15 November, 2010

Nursing Down

it's been a couple of months, i guess, since i've been able to consistently nurse you down to sleep and then sneak away. it's bitter-sweet, really. there are nights like tonight when i just want to keep you with me on the couch so we can snuggle up and watch tv for hours. but then there is the reality of sneaking away and actually getting an hour or two to myself. i spend those moments in a very exciting way...i take my vitamins, make some tea, sneak in some computer time and maybe catch a re-run of how i met your mother. i eat some peanuts and glance at the monitor every 60 seconds or so. i never want you to have to cry, so as soon as i see you stir...well, really stirring is ok these days...you can usually get yourself back to sleep with a minor stir. when i see you rub your nose i run to you and snuggle up next to you and nurse you back down. at that point i usually just pull up the covers and kiss your sweet head and whisper "i love you" and go to sleep. the truth is, i look forward to that moment the entire time i am away from you. it's nice to reunite after that hour or so apart. when i am away from you, something just doesn't feel right. i am not the mom who needs to be away from you. i don't need my own time. my own time is the time that i am with you. i am lucky you are here with me. i am lucky you chose me. and i will always cherish every minute i spend with you. there will be a time in the not so near future when you won't be around. you'll be at school. with your friends. out with your dad. and i will miss you. and i will miss these days when all you needed was me. nursing down is a cherished activity in our lives together. one that will be short-lived. one that i will be sad to see go someday...someday not so far away.

02 November, 2010

The Hospital Nursery

Mason, I am so thankful I knew enough not to send you to the nursery. I had a C-section. It was major abdominal surgery. It hurt. I was in pain. It was difficult to move around. I was tired. But I was a mother.

I could have sent you to the nursery. But I didn't. You stayed with me for four days in the hospital. I nursed you in my bed, even though the sign said not to sleep with you. I only left you to shower. Once. I was tired. Exhausted. But you were here on this Earth with me. Safely. You did not know anyone else. You knew me. Only me. My voice. My smell. The sound of my heart beat. You knew that with me you were safe.

I can't imagine sending you to the nursery to be cared for by someone else. Some stranger, who yes, may have loved to hold you and snuggle you. But she would be a stranger...not your mother. She might also have given you a wild bath and scared you terribly with the water. She may have given you a bottle. Or a pacifier. Or she may have ignored your cries.

I imagine the babies in the nursery feel sad and lonely. They miss their mommies. They must wonder where their mommies went and why they are all of a sudden all alone in a new and scary place. A place that is foreign to them with people who are foreign to them.

I am so happy I kept you with me. It wasn't a difficult decision. It wasn't hard. It wasn't a sacrifice. There was no way I could even consider letting you out of my sight. You are my baby and I am your mother.