26 July, 2009

we've all come a long way, baby

29 weeks tomorrow. i can't even believe it. that means only 11 more weeks until you are to term. and only 9 until we are safely able to welcome you into the world here at home. it seems like we were only 9 weeks pregnant just yesterday. and then 12. it is really going by so fast. i only have to have 8 more shots of progesterone in my bum (i am using much nicer words these days in my blog because i am writing them to you, little boy).

side track -- i'm not sure if i mentioned that we know your name. we have known it from way back when we found out you were for sure a boy. so i guess we settled on it somewhere in either week 13 or 14. we had thought about naming your brother that name, but grandpop didn't like it at the time. he does now, so we won't mention it!

anyway, what i am trying to say about all of this is that we are almost there. this very long journey towards holding you in our arms has almost ended. it started so long ago. your dad and i have both grown so much through all of it. through dealing with the loss of your brother, through months of trying unsuccessfully, through the IUIs, through IVF and through a very scary first half of this pregnancy. but now you are almost here. and now the things i am thinking about are if i have enough on my registries (aunt cole says i do not), what to call your dad's parents, since grandmom and grandpop are already taken, who will your pediatrician be, and fun things like that.

your dad is making your room better every day. he has torn off that ugly paneling that was in there. he ripped out the carpet. he took away the molding. he spackled the holes in the wall and painted the primer on. and now, your room is painted -- white up top and bright orange on the bottom. we have had your adorable bedding for so long, about a year now i guess. i can't wait to see what your room looks like in the end. i want you to know that this is all new for your daddy. he was very brave in taking on this project. he never knew how to do anything around the house before, but he has tried and done a great job so far. he still has to put up the molding and lay the floors, and paint the window frames, (and all within the next month!) but i am sure it will get done and that in the end it will be perfect. he has put all of his love into making your room a nice place for you to grow and play. (your cousins helped, too!)

and then there is aunt cole, she got to feel you move yesterday. she saw my belly thump out and ran right over to introduce herself. now i am sure that you are already very familiar with her voice, but wait until you meet her in person. she is going to love you so much and as she says, torture you. and she will...she will want to bite you and suck on your lip and all sorts of strange things. but don't be scared, she loves you already.

aunt cole and i have been through a lot together. we were friends in high school, but it wasn't until we were out of school that we became really good friends. we had lots of fun together and maybe when you are grown up we will tell you about some of those times. we lived together for a long time -- in three different homes. she is like my sister, so that's why she is your aunt.

and cole has a baby boy named nicolas who is with your brother somewhere. he was born a few months before cooper. she and i weren't talking then because mommy was stupid and she let some stupid guy before she met your wonderful daddy influence her thinking. so aunt cole had her feelings hurt and we didn't talk for a while. your mom missed her while she was gone, but we didn't see each other until mommy was in the hospital with pneumonia when i was 10 weeks pregnant with your brother. she was worried about me and your brother so she came to see me. it was brave of her.

it was only a few weeks before that that i had learned that she lost nicolas the way she did. i should have called, but i didn't think she would want to hear from me. plus, i didn't even really understand what had happened to her. i was one of those stupid people that i get so angry with these days. you know? the ones i have cursed about throughout my blog writing. the ones who get pregnant so easily and have their babies with no problems and who are oblivious to the fact that bad things can happen and that babies can die. that was me. and that's why i get so angry.

so anyhow, we started to talk again. mostly through email. we were supposed to get together on february 2, 2008 for coffee in the morning. i was going to go over to her apartment and see her and spend some time with her little boy, noah (who you will spend lots of time with). but on january 31, when my water broke i called her right after i called your daddy. she came to be with me right away. she came to be with us the next day, too, and was there when your brother was born. it was a very sad day for all of us.

so you can see why she matters so much to me. i'm sure i don't show it the way i should, but she really is one of the most special people in the world to me. she will be there when you are born, too. and your daddy and me and aunt cole will all be so happy when we get to hold you and hear you cry. and i know we will all be crying with you.

23 July, 2009

eating, sleeping, pooping

and no i am not talking about you. i am talking about me.

eating is stressing me out. i am not really hungry anymore. i mean, i get hungry, but earlier on, until about a month ago, i was famished. all. the. time. it seemed that from the minute your little embryo was implanted into my uterus, i was hungry. i ate all day long. and sometimes, i even ate during the night. i couldn't get enough food. and that lasted until about week 24 or so, i was starving. (maybe that's why i have already gained about 35 pounds and i still have 12 weeks to go.) but now, not so much. and so i forget to eat as much as i should. then i worry. i worry about your brain. i worry about you. all. the. time. but i guess that's normal. that's what mommies do.

i can't sleep. i cannot get comfortable. i even bought one of those giant stupid rip off maternity pillows. it may help a little, but i still can't sleep. now i am not a good sleeper as it is. i seem to have overcome my light-sleeping, but now i am waking up every hour or so either to pee or just because i am completely uncomfortable.

i will keep this short, in case anyone other than your dad and aunt cole ever read this -- my poop is so weird. anyone who knows me knows that i am obsessed with poop anyway, so it wouldn't really be surprising to know that i am writing about it. but every day it is different. a different color. different texture. different amount. different smell. so weird.

these are just some of the ways you have changed my life so far. other than that, i don't wear deodorant anymore (i don't want to poison you with the aluminum in there and the natural stuff makes me smell worse than i do on my own), my favorite thing to do is take a shower with your daddy so that he can talk to you and hold you in my belly. then we get into bed and he reads you a book. i could spend the rest of my life that way. i drink OJ every day. i never used to because of the sugar, but i figure you probably like the sweet taste, and plus it gives us calcium and vitamin c. oh yes, the vitamins -- prenatals, fish oil, femdophilus (twice per day), vitamin c, vitamin e, and i eat everything orange so that you will have plenty of vitamin a (beta carotene) because it is supposed to make that bag of water that you are floating in really strong. i live for every movement in my belly and i am already wondering how sad i will be when you are not in there anymore. i am so excited to meet you and hold you, but i love that we have all of this time together. i love looking at myself naked. never in my life have i said that. but i love seeing my big belly with you inside. you have changed me in so many ways already. i can't imagine what it will be like once you are here.

18 July, 2009

just when i'd forgotten

so just when i thought things were rolling along nice and easy, we got a letter from the fertility center yesterday reminding me that we are not so normal, after all. they want to know what we are going to do with our three frozen embryos...our popsicle babies. these are your possible future brothers and sisters. they would allow us to try again without your dad having to give your mom so many shots. you all would have the same date of conception! but all different birthdays. how crazy would that be?

but the other side is that we have to pay $270 per every six months of "storage", or shall i say babysitting. that means that by the time we have all of our babies, we could have spent thousands. what to do...what to do??? it sounds heartless to talk about money when i've just described these little frozen things as your future brothers and sisters.

but what if in the future we can make a baby on our own without having to go to the doctor all the time, and without having my blood drawn all the time, and without thinking so much about it? what if we store those embryos and we try again and it doesn't work -- there is a lower success rate with frozen embies than with fresh ones, like you.

we have a couple of months to decide. but i'd rather just focus on you, so i'd like to make the decision pretty quickly.

17 July, 2009

it's getting closer and closer

we had our appointment with meredith yesterday. there was a midwife's apprentice there, too. love that.

as usual, we went right in, plopped down on the comfy couch (although it was hot as you know what in there and they had only the fan on the a/c unknowingly until your dad fixed that problem. i was so hot -- which doesn't usually bother me, but i guess being nearly SEVEN MONTHS pregnant makes the temp feel a little different than usual) and talked for about 45 minutes about how i am feeling and what is going on. we talked about you moving around in there and the fact that a whole month has gone by without me having any issues. not even any fears. i've sure come a long way. even since your brother was in my belly. it always seemed like something was going wrong. but not now. now we are having some smooth sailing.

we talked mostly about the day you will be born. i can't believe this is really happening. and pretty soon. we went through the details about who will be there and for how long. we talked about how to make sure i get my rest afterwards. oh and about where the tub might be. daddy suggests having it in your room and then you can be born in your own bedroom. i think that is a very nice idea.

we also talked about finding you a pediatrician. and about circumcision. we are not going to do that to you. i think you will be pretty happy about that. your daddy has never said that we would, he is just worried that you will be teased. i think you will be strong enough to take it and that mostly no one will ever really know or care. i just don't want to inflict pain on you like that. there's no reason for it. see what you get when you have a hippie sort of mommy.

we listened to your little heart beating away with a fetoscope. daddy couldn't hear it, but he will next time because it is getting bigger and bigger. you actually kicked right into it and bumped it into meredith's head. it was pretty funny. you seem to be tempermental. so unlike your brother. he was always so calm and quiet in there. now of course, he didn't get to be as big as you are, but still, i always had the feeling that he was a peacemaker, he wasn't a fighter. you, on the other hand, i think you are a feisty one. i welcome that. i'm pretty feisty, myself.

oh yes, we also felt around and grabbed your head. sorry about that!

16 July, 2009

daddy to be

we went to visit your friend jonathan last night and he sure is a cutie. he is still so tiny and fragile, so your mom was still nervous about holding him. and it really does seem that babies know how uncomfortable and nervous i am because they always always cry when they are in my arms. i won't be nervous with you, though. holding you for the first time will be the most wonderful moment of my life.

your daddy, on the other hand, is so comfortable with babies. he knows just what to do to make them happy. you are so lucky to have him as your dad. well, i guess you already know that since you picked him. i am looking so forward to seeing him holding you and to seeing you look back at him.

12 July, 2009

inner strength

yesterday we went to a beautiful rose garden to watch our friends amy and anthony get married. everything is so much happier this year. you must have enjoyed the music because on the long ride home you were really thumping away at my insides. i felt you pushing against me so i placed my hand there and you really let me have it. so i made your daddy do the same and you whacked at him, too. you must be getting so big and so strong in there. we love you so much and are so proud of all the growing you are doing.

10 July, 2009

movin' right along

it's been a while since my last post. things are still quiet. which is nice. really really nice.

my belly is getting bigger. you seem to already have less room because i am not noticing as much bumping in the fluttery sort of way that i used to. now i feel a random kick or a punch. i used to be able to stare at my belly for minutes at a time and watch you dance around inside, but now it's just a periodic movement and i stare and i stare to no avail.

it's been 3 weeks and 1 day since our last appointment with meredith. and 3 weeks since our last appointment with anyone. that's the longest we've gone without seeing you or hearing your heartbeat. i miss hearing that sound. but it is nice that i haven't even had to call or text or email meredith about anything since we last saw her. i feel so normal again.

things are moving along nicely. your room is torn apart awaiting primer. and molding. and base board. and a chair rail. then paint. then the floor. then furniture. than the closet, which, pathetic as it may sound, i am most excited about. then all of your things -- and you already have lots of things. then we will add the most exciting thing of all. you. daddy suggested that you be born in your room. i think that sounds like a great idea.

grandmom has already bought you so many clothes, little one. she is so excited, as we all are, to have you as part of our family. your daddy's dad (we haven't decided what you will call him yet, as you will be his first grandchild) is super excited, too. he talks about you a lot. every one is so excited to meet you and to love you. it's going to be very hard for mommy to share you with all of these people. aunt cole will kill me, but i even think it will be hard to share you with her (sorry, aunt cole! love you!) i just feel like we have waited so long to hold you in our arms, i will never want to give you up.

it really has been a long time. daddy and i started to talk about raising little souls together when we first kissed. that was almost three years ago. since then, it has been quite a challenge. your brother was created a little less than a year after your daddy and i first kissed. then he was born. after he left us, it took us such a long time to create you. so much longer than we had thought it would have taken. and here we are. 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant with you. a whole month more pregnant than we ever were with your brother. we only have about 3 months left until we meet you. and we already love you so much.

02 July, 2009

all quiet on the baby front

i almost hate to say it. i hate to whisper it. i hate to think it. but all is well. and it has been well, aside from the upper respiratory infection and the cough that is still here after a month and those three separate yeast infections at weeks 17, 20 and 22. i believe that somehow the 20 and 22 infections related to the ATU visit and the internal cervical exam. at 24 i refused the internal and no infection. it could be coincidence, but so far, so good.

i am feeling the little boy moving in there pretty regularly. he is getting bigger and stronger every day. it really is the most amazing feeling in the world to know that there is a little baby human playing around in your womb.