patterns

i have a patience problem and because of that, so do you. when you try to explain something to me and i don't understand what you need, you cry and yell at me. sometimes you bite me. sometimes you throw or bang whatever it is you are holding with such force that i am sure you will dent the wall.

you point out the dent in the wall (or should i say dents in the walls) from when i have done just that. not for the same reasons, but for seemingly even more ridiculous ones.

and it breaks my heart every time.

and i hate to even admit that i react that way to stress sometimes. i would like to be able to say that i react the way that i do in my mind's eye. with a deep breath and the belief that nothing is that important.

but i let it get the best of me sometimes. and because of me, so do you.

you have no patience. no tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. and i have done that to you.

i lack patience with human beings in general, but mostly i lack patience with your dad and our dogs. and situations that i cannot control. you see me mumble under my breath or voice my frustration. you see me get annoyed with the dogs for just being dogs. you see me talk to your dad as if he is less than intelligent.

you and i spend a hell of a lot of time together.

so that means that you witness this shitty behavior pretty often. and though i try to hold it back or to shield you from it, you know. you feel it.

and then you mimic it. it is what you have learned. even though 95% of the time i respond to you with patience and love, the times that i have reacted to your fits of rage with a bit of insanity are the times that you have chosen to imprint on your brain.

it sucks.

lately, i have been imagining you growing up and getting married to someone like me. that image has really helped me be kinder and more patient with your dad. because i imagine him as a little boy and i imagine being his mother and feeling that overwhelming love for him.
the shitty thing is that you probably will choose someone like me. or worse, you will be like me. that's just what we do.

and that scares the shit out of me.

so how do we change our deeply embedded patterns? how do we notice when we are being less than what we expect of ourselves? and how do we become more of what we want for our kids?

it's just so hard sometimes to be a parent. there are so many things that we just fuck up. sometimes we do it unconsciously and sometimes we are more than conscious of it.

being conscious is sometimes so painful. and so terrifying.

i work every day to be better for you, but sometimes it seems as though i am stuck. i face the same fight with myself over and over again. sometimes, like motherhood in general, it's just thoroughly exhausting.

but i have to believe that i can be better. just last night you threw the meltdown of all meltdowns. and i actually stayed calm. throughout the entire thing.

you are teaching me every day how to be better.

i can only hope that in the end it's the good stuff you remember. and the good stuff that you get from me.

or that at least you understand that in every moment of every day, i did my very best.

feeling overwhelmed

uncle chris reminded me tonight that i have not written for a while. i have just been so busy. and lazy.

these are our days. in the morning you wake up (early usually). we play. we eat. we play. we get dressed and we go. we go to a friends house or a park or some kid-oriented activity. we have fun. we leave. you fall asleep in the car. i get you inside, nurse you back to sleep after the car transfer and sneak away. i throw in some laundry. straighten up the house (once in a great while i actually clean the house). eat some lunch. get on the computer and waste some time. go back in to nurse you when you wake, which is usually two or three times during your nap. i try to get motivated to get something done on the computer.

lately i have been realizing that i have a lot to do on the computer and i don't do any of it because i waste time.

what i should be doing is working on stuff for ICAN. i have to get the monthly reports done and file something for the IRS and really i am still super clueless about it all. i am also starting up a local attachment parenting chapter. it's a lot of work. i am still trying to work on my childbirth ed certification and i really would love to get this done sometime in the near future but it just doesn't seem to be happening. i have to write research papers. god i hate writing research papers. i love the topics and i love to read about it all. but to actually get my ass in gear to write the research papers...it's killing me. and then there is the doula training and the postpartum doula training. what was i thinking taking all of this on at once? i am teaching a class this weekend. planning. there is the big latch on, an event to celebrate breastfeeding. i am trying to organize that, too. and meredith, our super awesome midwife, is having a baby and i am in charge of the meal train.

and then there is the really big stuff. like your dad and i have decided that we are going to try to get you a little brother or sister. or two. or both. or whatever. we have these three frozen embryos just calling my name. i can;t wait to be pregnanct again. i am so excited to give birth. the baby stuff i try not to think about. but having another little toddler running around someday is just so exciting to me. so i have had doctor's appointments for check-ups and updating tests and stuff. and things to think about like do we transfer one or two embryos. and can i have my babies at home if there are two? so i have been on the phone with every midwife in the vicinity of south jersey trying to find someone who will say ok to a vbac at home with twins. finally, i found someone. so at least if we decide to go for two, i won't be the one closing the door on my homebirth. we aren't trying again right away and i think i will try to keep it to myself when we do, for a little while at least. but if i know me i won't be able to but for now i would like to say that i will.

so it's a lot. and it's kind of overwhelming. so for now i am taking a break from the social networking. i need to focus on getting some shit done.

not the best post, i know. but i am kind of in one of my hide from the world moods anyway, so it's the best i got.