30 April, 2011

baby number three for me

no. not yet.

when our little friend was born at home two hours after we left the zoo that day, i got kind of jealous. i always get jealous when i find out someone is pregnant or when i hear about a birth story. i don't want to feel that way, but i can't help it. it just takes over. sometimes i can't even be happy for people. i still am so effected by your brother's birth and by missing my chance to deliver you at home. i get angry with friends who trust their doctors so much that they make decisions that mess up their birth experiences for them. and then i get jealous when friends are lucky enough to have things go their way. i love these people and i love their babies, and it totally sucks that i still get these feelings. i hate it. i wish i could just be happy for people and that i could just let go of their experiences. after all, i know that each woman needs to birth her baby the way that she feels most comfortable and that each of us is on our own path. i know that some women are just not ready to take charge of their pregnancies or their deliveries. but i just want everyone to have the best birting experience they can. i know what it's like to be robbed of it. i know what effect doctors can have on a pregnancy and on a delivery. and when things go right i just can't help but be pissed off that things never seem to go right for me when it comes to delivering babies. but anyway this really wasn't the point of my post today. i have digressed.

the point was that after baby c was born at home in his tub, i was insanely jealous and made an appointment that day with the fertility doc to discuss our options as far as trying again with one or more of those embryo siblings of yours that we've got on ice. they said i can't try til i wean you. now we all know that i am not going to wean you. and we all know that i am also no rule follower, so of course i came home and looked into it. there have been plenty of moms who have gone through ivf while still breastfeeding. i could do it. especially since i want to try for an unmedicated transfer. but either way, the meds would be safe for you, so it wouldn't be a problem if we did use them.

but it got me thinking. really thinking.

i am not ready to have anohter baby. we want you to have a sibling. one that you can play with and talk to and teach things to. you love kids. you love being around your cousins. you are always so happy when you are playing with your friends (even when you are hitting them in the head and stuff). i want to have more babies. just not yet. i am very excited to be pregnant again. i love being pregnant. i love everything about it. i am so looking forward to my homebirth. my home vbac. but i am just not ready to actually care for another baby just yet. and although i am not young, i am still not so old that i really have to worry about the clock ticking. i really enjoy you. i love spending time with you and being able to stop everything just to go outside and play with you in the sandbox. i love to be able to jump on the bike and go for a ride with you whenever you touch your head and say "helmet". you and i are really into a groove and i don't want to mess with it just yet.

on top of that, i am terrified. you were not easy, as i've mentioned before. and i am absolutly terrified of having another baby who might be even nearly as demanding as you were. i cringe when i think back to the days of holding you and bouncing you all day long until my arms were numb. i can't imagine going through that again while you are still so needy and still demanding milkies about five times an hour sometimes and still often waking up every hour or two through the night to nurse.

so we will wait. and hey, maybe we will get pregnant on our own this time and we will just have to deal with what happens. because of course we will be able to deal with it and of course i can handle it. and likely it will be easier next time. after all, i have experience now and friends who will help. friends who understand what it's like to be a nursing mom and who won't tell me that "breastfeeding is for the birds" or that even though she knows i might get upset when she says this but that she thinks that my baby is crying all the time because he is hungry. my mommy friends get it and that just would have made it a whole lot easier last time. everyone always told me that i should give you a bottle so i could get a break. but i didn't need a break from you (i am pretty sur ei have have said this before) i needed help with all of the other shit that had to get done so i could just sit and nurse you. but no one understood. so this time, people will understand.

but still, i don't want to rush it. as jealous as i am that my amazing friends keep on having these amazing pregnancies and deliveries, i can wait for my next one. for now, you and i can just keep on being us. and one day, you will have your own baby to hold and kiss. and you will be able to watch him or her be born here at home. and i will keep learning lessons from cooper and from you and from another little soul.

your new friends

over the past two months, you have had a whole bunch of new friends enter the world. each one of those babies has their own special story. one of those little boys decided to be born at home in his bathtub even though his mom planned to have him at the hospital. turns out he knew what was best for his mom. she had two babies already. one was born via c-section and the other was a hospital vbac. his mom is a childbirth educator in training and wanted deep down to have a planned homebirth. but she was just not ready to take that leap. so the baby helped her out and came too fast for her to go anywhere but into the bathroom. it was beautiful and safe and wonderful. one sweet baby girl was born at the hospital birthing suite. she took a reallllllly really long time to get here. her mom was so strong and powerful throughout the entire labor. i was with her for the final eight hours of her labor and even thoughshe was exhausted and this was her first birth, she did not even once consider asking for medication to help the pain. and even in the face of a "midwife" who was threatening meds, mom continued to listen to her own body and pushed her out while in an uprgith position, one the nurse and the "midwife" had tried to discourage her from trying. it was truly amazing. and another one of your friends decided to be born at home in his bathtub after we were at the zoo with his mom and his big brother. his mom planned to have him at home, but she didn't really plan to have him come so fast. he was born only a half hour after the midwife got there. and then this morning we had another baby girl enter the world at home. unplanned. she also knew what was best for her brave mommy. her mom had a baby born five weeks too early the day before you were born. she planned to deliver this baby at the birth center, but ended up having her baby at home, which is just what she needed. it's really amazing what the female body can do on it's own when nothing gets in the way. with no interventions at all. i can't wait for my homebirth.

11 April, 2011


recently i was reminded that although i have suffered at the hands of the medical community, i should not expect everyone else to have a mistrust for doctors. that comment really pissed me off and i can't seem to let it go.

i do not have a blatant and general mistrust of doctors. doctors are full of knowledge about their specific field. if you are sick, i mean really sick with something that we cannot handle on our own, i would obviously take you to the doctor and use any medications that were needed to make you better. i have given you tylenol and advil when i knew you were in pain. i gave you a couple of days worth of an antibiotic when you were a couple months old. i was told by a doctor that you had the "beginnings of an ear infection". you already cried so much and were so miserable much of the time, i believed that neither of us would survive an ear infection. so i gave it to you. then a lovely friend suggested i read "no more amoxicillin". she gave me the gist of the book, and though i didn't read it until recently, i learned enough from her and from searches online and in my natural health books and through consulting with our naturopath, to know that you likely did not have an ear infection, that if you did it would heal itself, and that if it were an infection, it had a very small chance of becoming dangerous. very small chance. i learned that the use of antibiotics for an ear infection would only allow your body to heal temporarily and that it was best to let your body work. so i have never given you another antibiotic and i will not unless the research i do and the consultation with our naturopath deems it necessary. i was recently told (again) that you had very red ears. i gave you pain meds so you would not suffer, and did not fill the script. you got better. i am not bashing anyone who gives their kid meds or even anyone who trusts their doctor, nor do i think i am better or right because of the way i take care of you. but i do believe that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to our world to be knowledgable. i was told by a pediatrician when you were weeks old that i should nurse you only for ten minutes per side no often than every two hours. luckily i did not listen to her. luckily i had a midwife to whom i was turning for my nursing advice. had i listened, and many moms do in our culture because they have no other resources, i would not have succeeded in breastfeeding you. and yes, your brother died at the hands of the medical community. i am at fault for not being more well-informed. i trusted my OB. and i have heard over and over again from many many mothers that they, too, suffered in one way or another because they trusted their doctors. endless breastfeeding support meetings, endless grief support meetings, tons of reading and talking to people who are trained in the field of natural health have led me to believe that doctors are good for some things, but for the vast majority of things concering our health and wellness, it is best to stay away from them. they have their place, but i could go on and on about why OBs and even certified nurse midwives often do way more harm than good to a pregnant or laboring or nursing moms. we should not turn to pediatricians for advice on breastfeeding (unless he or she is an IBCLC), discipline, or sleep. they are not trained in these fields. they are trained in the field of medicine. an OB is a trained surgeon. many have never seen a baby birthed naturally. many have not even breastfed their own babies.

and yes, i know this is not my best writing, but you are napping and could wake at any moment. we are going up to see our fabulous friend and her new baby, who was born at home last wednesday. and has yet to see a pediatrician, a doctor of any kind, a nurse, or whatever. i am so looking forward to bringing a brother or sister for you into the world that way. some day. with no interventions. with no inaccurate advice to piss me off.

and yes, doctors do piss me off. the female body is meant to birth babies -- big ones, small ones, whatever. and breasts were made to nurse babies -- big babies, little babies, early babies, grown up babies and even babies who have baby siblings growing in their moms bellies. babies are not supposed to sleep through the night until they are ready. they should sleep near their loved ones. they are not supposed to eat solid foods at four months. they do not need rice cereal. our bodies were made to heal. our bodies are amazing. trust them.