13 September, 2012

risk taking

your mother takes risks.

i just do. and it's not because i am brave. it's because really i just follow my gut and i do what it says. i leap before i consider the consequences. for me, taking the time to really work through the what ifs has always made me feel so uneasy. so i just do. and then i trust.

it's been that way as long as i can remember. and i'm not sure why. i'm not sure where it comes from. gradndpop and grandmom are the opposite of risky. so i didn't learn it from them. and i don't take risky risks. i never used drugs (well, the dangerous ones). i never smoked cigarettes. i didn't drink until i was (nearly) old enough. i never drove drunk.

the risks i'm talking about are the more exciting ones.

like deciding at age 19 to visit my dear friend in israel when it was almost a daily occurrence to see reports of bus bombs on the news. i booked the ticket and then i thought about it. and then i told grandmom. she was thrilled.

when i was in europe i slept in atm machines and on the side of railroad tracks. and when the friend i was with was driving me bananas, i split and finished the trip alone. and later that night when my head hit the pillow, i worried about how nervous it made me to travel alone.

i visited cuba even though it's "illegal" to do so.

i registered for my yoga teacher training course before really evaluating what it would mean to my life at the time. i just registered. paid in full. and then figured it out.

i registered for my childbirth educator program when i was eight months pregnant with you. and it ended up taking me over three years to complete the two year program. i hadn't thought it through. i just wanted to do it so i did.

the first birth i attended was because on a whim one day i thought i would like to be a doula. i asked my sweet friend if she would allow me to attend her birth and she welcomed me graciously. i signed up for the training program that day.

i quit my first teaching job after five years because i wasn't happy there. i left a tenured position without having another one lined up. because i figured i would work it out. and i did.

i met your dad and he moved in with me three months later. and we were engaged two months after that. we got pregnant with cooper on purpose before our wedding because we couldn't wait to be parents. i didn't worry about what that meant for us as teachers. or for me as a daughter or as a grand-daughter.

so i just do. and then figure it out.

that goes for this blog, as well. i write what i feel. i write what i believe needs to be said. sometimes i write to remind me of how challenging it was to be your mom and so that other moms will know they aren't alone. and sometimes i write for justice for birthing women and for mothers everywhere. and i truly hope that i accomplish even just a little bit of that.

but when i hit the "publish" button, especially after a couple of my riskier posts (you all know which ones i am talking about), i take a risk both personally and professionally.

and then i take another risk.

i keep the post public. and i check google again to see where my blog lands in the results.