02 December, 2010

lessons from mason

before you were born, i had no idea how much being a mom would change my life. i knew i wanted you more than i wanted to breathe my own next breath, but i had no idea that you would immediately become everything to me. i mean everything. you are in every decision i make. in every move. in every thought. as i sit here and type with the knowledge that each key stroke may be the last before i have to run back in to nurse you back to sleep, i can't remember a time when my life wasn't about you. and only you.

your poor daddy. he loves me so much. and he loved the relationship he used to have with his wife. his wife, who is now a mother. he is at uncle kevin's tonight. before you were born i used to hate when he went there. i missed him and wanted him to waste time on the couch watching tv with me. but now i am happy that he has uncle kevin to go to. by the end of the day, i am so tired. i just want my arms back. i want a few minutes in which i can just sit. on the couch. and do nothing. and then go to bed.

i guess when your cousins were little i was too consumed with myself to notice how much work a baby was. although dom was an easy baby and i was around engough to see that. i didn't hang around much when christopher was a baby, but rumor has it that for the beginning months he was a lot like you.

i had no idea. i think back to the beginning with you. the first few days, you were so calm. you just nursed. and slept. and nursed. all the time.

but as the days went on, you needed to nurse. all the time. i had no idea the time that nursing you would take up in my life. cleaning? ha! filling the dogs bowls with water? ha! peeing? showering? shaving my legs? ha ha ha ha ha! i had no time to do anything except sit on the couch and nurse you.

you hated the car. you hated the swing. you hated to be put down. you only wanted to nurse.

and then we had thrush. three times back and forth. my nipples hurt. so badly that i just could not nurse you all the time. so daddy worked his happiest baby on the block magic and would get you to sleep. i would dread the moment you would stir because i knew it meant you'd be back on the boob.

i couldn't sleep. i couldn't figure out how to nurse you lying down. you woke up all night long to nurse. you still do. i haven't slept more than three hours straight in about fourteen months. and three hours is once in a rare while. and i am so happy when i get three hours.

and most nights, it doesn't bother me. most days, the messy house doesn't bother me.

today it does. i look at my what used to be white kitchen floor and i want to scream. the bathroom floor is dirty. there is dust everywhere. and the damn dog hair. there are piles of junk and papers and bills and crap everywhere. laundry. everywhere. shit that needs to get up in the attic. leaves all over the lawn. no christmas lights. a nasty kitchen counter with a nastier sink. dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away. again. laundry that needs to be washed. again. a to do list that only gets longer. and longer. and i want to scream. and run away. and drink about five and a half beers and pass out.

but i can't. because my baby boy is in my bed. sleeping for now. teething. and coughing with another cold. and you will need me any minute. so this i guess has to be my therapy for now. and i already feel better.

i know that the alternative would be so much worse.

i remember the days when i cried and cried. for weeks. cooper was gone. i had held him and cried to him about how sorry i was that he had gotten so screwed. his entire short life, all he heard was his mommy and daddy srying. and he felt us loving him. weeks and months went by before i began to feel like a new sort of normal person.

and then there were the months of negative pregnancy tests. and periods. and fights with your dad. and tears. we wanted you so badly we could taste it.

and then we got pregnant. after shots and ultrasounds and blood tests and acupuncture and herbs. and i was so cautious. so careful about everything i heard and thought and saw and drank. about every move i made because i was terrified to lose you.

and now you are here. for almost fourteen months you have been here. and my life will never be the same. i sometimes feel as if i don't have my own life at all anymore. you are my life. my everything.

you were not an easy infant. you are not an easy toddler. you are demanding. and expressive. and needy. and i am responsive. and exhausted. and in love with you.

you are happier every day. you learn new things all the time. and my eyes never tire of staring at you. i never tire of kissing you. and of snuggling with you. i sometimes wish i had an easy baby. but then i realize that you are teaching me all of the lessons i need to know. you chose me for a reason. and i am so thankful for that.

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