being your mom

as you fell asleep tonight holding your rubber duck and plastic boat, i thought about what an awesome responsibility it is to be your mom. and i wasn't thinking about all of the typical stuff like having to make sure you are fed and dressed, and catching your puke as you throw up. i was thinking about the really important stuff. about nurturing your soul.

i believe that you, as i believe about your brother, chose me to be your mom. you knew you had things to teach me. in a short 16 months with me plus ten in the belly, you have already taught me countless lessons. you and cooper are my buuddhas.

you are not what i imagined when i imagined having a baby. for some reason i imagined an easy-going baby who would snuggle up with me and just be happy to be held. you are not that baby. you are curious and full of energy. it seems you are never still. not even in your sleep. you only now are beginning to let me hold and snuggle you. you demand that i respond to your needs often before i have had the chance to hear what it is you are trying to say. you want everything that you want five seconds before you communicate it. you are an excellent communicator. you learn faster than i can even keep up with. it's almost as if i hold you back sometimes. even with your tiny legs i often find myself literally running to keep up with you. you have been this way since birth.

obviously then, i am not the mother i imagined. i am more patient than i thought. i care less about a clean house than i thought i would. i allow you do do things i never thought i would. i have plans for us that i never imagined i would have. i follow your lead. when you don't want to put pants on, for whatever reason, i don't make you put pants on. when you want to dump the cheerios all over the floor, i let you. and then i laugh as you stomp them into the rug. i wear wrestling head gear around the house because you ask me to.

i imagine that as you get older i will be even more "lenient" with my "discipline" techniques. i hope that i will be able to sit back and watch you bloom into the miraculous human being that you already are. you are already everything that you will be. i just have to let it happen.

i was reading in a book that raising children is much like planting flowers. the flower is already there. it just has to grow and bloom. you have to care for it, but you have no power to change it. i am so thankful that i am the one who gets to care for you and to watch you bloom.

i only hope that i am able to keep my own story, my own tape recordings about what is right and normal, out of your way. i know that you will help me stay out of your way as you teach me your lessons, and as i tend to your very big - soul.