09 August, 2011

bringing buddha back

i realize that much of my suffering -- anger frustration guilt regret jealousy and the rest -- is caused by greed, just like the buddha taught.

my desire to be able to reverse time, to hold cooper in my arms, to be able to change people's minds and actions, to change my own past actions, to get pregnant easily, to carry a baby without fear, to have my home birth, to make your dad behave in the ways that i want him to, and everything else that causes that rage to bubble up inside, is causing me to suffer. it's making me heavy. i don't laugh or love like i used to.

your dad misses me. he misses who i used to be. and i miss that, too. i miss who we used to be before it all.

i am not who i was before. and i never will be again. i can't fix that. i can't go back. but i can work on bringing a little bit of me back. the part that let things roll. that accepted other people. that didn't stress about things that i had no control over. that part i can bring back. i used to love people. and accept them for where they were. i used to laugh more. and smile more. and be, well, just lighter.

but things happened. i lost cooper. we struggled with getting pregnant with you. you ended up being pulled out of my womb by a doctor with a mask on instead of being born peacefully into your dad's arms like we had planned. and then you were you. you challenge me every step of the way. and while your dad and i came together like magnets in all of those other times of sadness and pain, when you were born we just seemed to repel each other's forces. it's been so hard. the past three and a half years have been so hard.

but here's the thing. i want to be light again. to be easy. to laugh. to let things roll. i want love and acceptance. i want you to have a mom who laughs a lot. and not just with you. i want you to see me laugh with others. and with your dad.

i need to bring buddha back.

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