14 September, 2011

milky other side

your uncle chris has you conditioned to ask for "milky other side" instead of just "milky" or just "other side".

before you could talk you would sometimes start crying "milky" while you were nursing. i figured out that you meant you wanted to switch sides so i taught you to say "other side". so eventually, your uncle thought it was funny and every time you would start to nurse he would say real loud, "other side" and you would then switch sides. now you do it all. the. time. you nurse on one side for a few seconds and then say, "milky other side!" you come up to me and ask for "milky other side". at night you roll over in your sleep and cry out, "MILKY OTHER SIDE!"

it's funny -- most of the time.

and these are the joys of nursing a toddler. that along with the putting your hand down my shirt while i carry you through target. or trying to eat a meal out at PJs and having you climb from your booster onto my lap and nurse underneath my attempts to finish my sandwich and beer.

but the craziest thing is what goes on in my mind about the future. your dad and i have decided that we are ready to try for another baby. and for us that means that i have to take lots of meds and shoot shots into my leg and have one (or two) of your frozen embryo siblings transferred into my womb. i am excited and afraid at the same time. but what i think about the most is the way that a new baby or babies will change you and me.

i love you and me.

i am finally really understanding you and i have finally become really patient you and you are finally becoming patient with me. we are in such a groovy groove. i am terrified of shaking your life up. of shaking our lives up. things are so good right now. they are getting easier every day. and even though i sometimes hate nursing you, i can't imagine that part of our relationship going away.

we have friends who have just been through this. watching them introduce new babies into their little toddlers lives has been so terrifying for me. i have seen them grimace through the pain of sore nipple throughout pregnancy. i have watched and listened as they have become so frustrated with their giant nursing kids while the little babies are latched on peacefully. why would i want to do this to you? to me? to us?

i know that you will get so much out of having a little baby around. you love babies. you will love having a sibling in the long run. and i know that the benefits outweigh all of the inconveniences or even the stress that it will cause you. me. us.

but still, i can't help but mourn the loss of you and me. i am already mourning it. and i am not even pregnant yet.

i love you so much. i love us. and i am sorry for the way your world might be rocked in the future. but for now, i will just keep on smiling and laughing -- and yes most times i even smile at four AM -- when you ask for, "milky other side!"


  1. Beautiful. I have the same thoughts on how my relationship with my little guy is so special and so central in my life, I can't imagine having it interrupted by a crying baby. Change is scary, even if it's a change we want. I'm planning to wait longer than I originally had in mind, but as my mom told me when I was thinking of having the baby that was Joshy, "if you wait till you are totally ready for it you'll never have a kid!"

  2. I love love LOVE this. You said so much here. Thank you for sharing. MYP

  3. I feel exactly the same way you do. I get sad when I think about Jax having to share me, and about my having to split my time, which right now is fully devoted to him when we are together.