29 April, 2009

now try this...

after returning home from the hospital empty-handed...oh yes, there was the teddy bear that was supposed to take the place of our baby...i had quite a road to tread. i spent the first week crying. there was a point in those first few days that i had eyes so black it looked as if i had been beaten in an alley somewhere. j went back to work after a week. i stayed home for three more after that. it was hell. pure hell.

but then life began to go on. i went back to the doc for a check up after 4 weeks. she said go ahead and try again if you are emotionally ready. we were. but then i started spotting. i went back to the doc. this doc (the one who had been there to catch when i delivered coop) asked if i was breastfeeding. what the fuck? is she fucking serious. it was six weeks ago. you watched my baby die ten minutes after i delivered him and you can't remember. don't you look at charts? i think that was when i first began hating doctors.

we waited another month so i could have an u/s to make sure all was clear. it was and we started the journey. remember, it only took three months last time. this would be no problem. we would be on the road to second-time-parenthood in no time. months passed. i bought every book about fertility i could find. we tried everything. i mean everything but the egg whites. after five months i knew something was wrong with me. something got screwed up in the process of carrying and delivering cooper. we went to see an RE.

nope. nothing is wrong with me. they tested me for everything. nothing. two more months. no luck. let's check j. somehow over the course of the pregnancy a vein had taken over in the sperm-making zone and we were not only qualified to attend "my baby died" support groups, but we could also attend "we can't make babies easily on our own" groups. wow. how things had changed. in the course of six months, what a new perspective we had on life.

two months of IUI. nothing but tears. and stress. and hatred. then we decided "why waste our time on this since according to the docs it probably won't work anyway and let's just take the plunge and move to IVF -- the mother of all IF treatments.

in the meantime, i had tried everything. applied kinesiology. ayurvedic herbs. acupuncture. supplements. eveing primrose oil. preseed. chinese herbs. meditation. yoga. everything. and nothing happened. i cried a lot. we fought a lot. but we didn't make a baby.

december 2008 -- began our first IVF cycle. january 19 -- egg retrieval. i had acupuncture leading up to it. two treatments that day. drank the chinese herbs. they got 11 eggs. i think. 9 fertilized. 7 made it overnight. in the end we had five. five little babies in the making sitting in an incubator all alone in a dark fertility center. january 23 -- transferred one blast. froze 3. then we waited. february 1 -- cooper's bday. february 2 -- we're pregnant. perfect timing for once.

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