04 May, 2009

the power of positive thinking

so the second journey begins. or third, i guess.

we decided after much back and forth to use a midwife this time. we had taken a birthworks class in the fall and we loved it. we learned so much about birth that we didn't even know. i walked in on the first day and we talked about waterbirth. that is something i had always wanted. but when we lost cooper i figured a hospital birth was the only way for me to go. what if something happened? i would never forgive myself. but the more i learned and the more another pregnancy became a reality, the more anger and fear i had towards the whole medical world.

take it back to the day cooper was born. remember i mentioned the many things that ended up my crotch after my water had broken? and then the infection. i think back to that day and picture it all going down with a midwife. i knew from the moment the peds told me that 22-weekers have very little chance of survival. and if they survive, they have the major risk of all kinds of problems. i wouldn't do that to my little boy. he wasn't that kind of kid. he was a gentle soul. i just knew that if we strapped him down in that isolette and stuck tubes and needles in him, we would end up with the ashes of our little boy sitting at home in the end anyway. so let's say he was born at home at 22-weeks. maybe he wouldn't have been born so early. maybe i wouldn't have gotten an infection because we were safe at home with our own germs and no hands going up the crotch but my own. and even is he was born it would have been peaceful, with only family and friends around in our own bed. this is one time in my life where i really wish i had a time machine.

i had forgotten how awful that was. the docs were basically asking me if i wanted to try to save my baby's life or if i wanted to just let him go. who ever thinks they will have to make that decision. and it was on the spot. there was really no time to think about it.

so anyway, the midwife was secured after our first consultation. she was wonderful. we chatted for over an hour and she really cared. her father is an OB so we are kind of getting the best of both worlds. she is so calming. her tone of voice, the way she speaks at a bit above a whisper. we made the right decision. there is no doubt in my mind. after all of the different negative experiences we have had with docs, this is the way i will feel comfortable.

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