02 February, 2011

two years

today marks the day that i found out we were going to have you, mason. it's been two years. it brings me back to all of that pain. the pain of losing cooper. the pain of month after month of negative pregnancy tests. month after month of calls from the fertility center saying that i was not pregnant. the shots. the meds. the stress. the tears. the hatred i felt for every pregnant woman on the planet. the anger i had toward every new mother. i will admit it. i wanted bad things to happen to people. it is hard to believe that your mom wished that for people. people i liked. even loved and cared for. i wanted bad things to happen so they would know the pain and the feeling of loss and disappointment just like i did. i hated the way that so many women took for granted getting pregnant easily and then having healthy full term babies -- after uneventful and easy pregnancies in which they complained about being pregnant. i wanted bad things to happen. this day reminds me always to be careful with my words. it reminds me of all of my sisters who have shared in the pain of childbearing losses of any kind...whether it be from abortion, miscarriage, infertility, preterm delivery, full term losses, infant losses or whatever other horrible losses are out there causing pain and sadness. and it reminds me, as cooper does in his absence, and as you do every minute of your life, how much of a miracle this whole thing really is. love to all of you who have loved and lost and continue to love and to try again. you are brave and powerful.

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