sometimes i suck

you have been sick this week. it started last friday. it is now saturday, so it was a full week. you had a fever off and on the whole weekend. and then sunday night you were really warm. and monday you slept all day. i mean all day long. you woke a few times for a few minutes, but mostly you slept on my lap. i was worried. it was so unlike you. you are cutting six teeth -- all four molars and your fangs. it must hurt like a bitch. you have another cold, which is probably because i suck at washing your hands. i am sorry for that. colds suck. you can't breathe. you have a hard time sleeping. you cough. it sucks. i gave you ibuprofin after that long day of sleeping and monday night your fever broke. i like to let a fever be. it is there for a reason and has a job to do. but i figured (as your uncle chris pointed out) that it had lots of time to work by then and it was ok to give it to you. you still didn't sleep well. you were waking up every half hour or so and screaming as if you were being tortured. you were pointing into the air and screaming "milkies" but refusing to nurse. but tuesday you seemed a little bit better but you were still pretty miserable. and still really sleepy. and tuesday night sucked. i hadn't slept more than 20-30 minute intervals in days. i was getting more and more tired and miserable and my patience was wearing thin. because even when you were sleeping, i wasn't. wednesday i was an idiot and took you to paws farm. i thought that you were feeling better. i thought it would be good for you to get out into the fresh air and to be around your friends. you also had a chiropractic adjustment from our friend jason. i hoped it would help speed your healing. but wednesday night was the worst night of all. you were up pretty much the whole night. it was one of our worst nights ever. well, really you were sleeping restlessly. screaming and pointing all over again. i was up most of the night. again. and this is the night that i really sucked. bad. i lost my patience. totally. i yelled at your dad while you were in my arms. i kicked things around the house. yelled at the dogs. cursed them. yes, all with you in my arms. i was angry. so so angry. i couldn't fix you. milkies weren't fixing it. i had no idea how to make you feel better. so i suck. i suck because i react that way in front of you. i suck for letting you see that kind of anger and emotion. i suck because i can't keep it together. i hope you know that i will never treat you like that. i hope you know that it is ok for you to scream and cry when you need to. but how can you know that? if you see me treat your dad and your dogs so badly, then you must imagine i might treat you that way sometime, too. if i get angry when you are screaming and crying, even if i don't do it every time and even if i am not angry with you, how can you know that? i suck. it's no excuse, but i wanted to be able to make you better and i couldn't. i just felt so sad for you. i wanted you to be you again and to feel right again. thursday morning you were worse yet. you were totally miserable. so i broke down and took you to the doc. you were still very sleepy. i wanted to see how your ears were looking. i wish i had one of those things to look into your ears myself so i could have avoided the trip, but whatever, it was fine. yes, your ears were red. i had been giving you hylands ear ache tablets and been putting garlic oil in your ears, just in case, so i was at least relieved to know that that was probably what was making you so miserable. so i didn't fill the script for the antibiotic, much to your grandmom's dismay, and i continued to give you the hylands and put the garlic in your ears. i want your body to know how to heal itself. i want your body to react to an antibiotic whan and if you ever really need one. thursday night was a little bit better and on friday you were almost back to being you. so you had another chiropractic adjustment. and you had lots of snuggles and i was more patient and compassionate. i gave you a long whispery talk in your ear about how i somtimes suck and how i will always try harder. and about how i will never treat you mean. i will never yell at you and make you feel small. i will always respect you. i will always let you know how valuable you are as a human being, not just as my child. last night was one of our best nights ever and today you seem to be almost 100% you again. i love you, buddy. i know that there will be many more nights when i will be awake hoping you feel better. and i hope that i can keep it together a little better each time so that someday i don't suck at all. but this is reality, and i guess we all suck a little bit sometimes.