21 October, 2011


ok, so now that i have vented some anger, let me see if i can really let all of the positive things sink in.

mason is still so little. now we get more alone time. and maybe he will wean himself while i am pregnant next time since he will be older. deep down i guess i really did want him to be older before i had another baby.

i just have to get rid of the jealousy when i see friends having their seconds and thirds. or when i hear about really shitty people i know having more and more babies. i have to let it go and just focus on me and what's right for us.

don't get me wrong, i do want another baby. i really want three more babies, and maybe that will still happen. whatever happens is exactly what is meant to happen. i just have to remember that.

we won't try again for another ivf treatment until mason is done nursing because of all of the medications i will have to take. maybe we can get pregnant on our own in the meantime and i won't ever have to go back to the fertility center again.

i will be able to actually finish my childbirth education certificate. i was afraid that if i were pregnant i would never get it done. so i have only three more papers to write and then i can start offering my eight-week courses. i am really excited for that.

i can take on more doula clients and maybe finish that certification, too.

i can drink beer.

josh will be higher up on the pay scale when we do have another baby and maybe he will be able to take a few weeks off with us.

so there are good things. it doesn't take away from the fact that all of the negatives are there. and after some time passes, i know i will believe that these good things are really good. i am just really shocked. i never thought this was where this would end up, i really believed this would work.


  1. if what is going to happen is what is meant to happen, then why try ivf? if we're just tied to what is "meant" to happen, then just sit back, go about your day, and let it happen?

    i have trouble with the idea of what is "meant to be." i can't see how anything is meant to be. what i can see are people (not saying you) who are afraid of life, afraid of making choices, and afraid of making a wrong choice or a choice that is not successful. by saying something is or is not "meant to be," it takes the responsibility away and allows us to smile and think, "hey, not my fault, wasn't meant to be."

    we have life. we have intelligence. we make choices. they don't all work out. sometimes, someone else's choice conflicts with ours.

    if i don't get the job i wanted, i won't say it wasn't "meant to be." i'll say that the person hiring chose someone else for specific reasons. maybe the person hired was smarter, more educated, had a more impressive résumé, or was better looking.

    things don't happen because of any script that is "meant to be." things happen because we make them happen. we get up, we try, we learn, we do, we win, we lose, we succeed, we fail. we make things happen. sometimes, what happens is not what we want, but that doesn't mean it wasn't what someone else wanted. someone who maybe tried harder or did more.

    i know that doesn't apply to your situation because you're not in a competition. i was using that to go along with the job analogy.

  2. i believe that we are all born into this world with lessons to learn. i will be presented with the lessons that i need to learn and if i learn them, good. and if not, i will have it be presented with the lesson again and again until i learn it. it's called karma. and that's what i believe.