my big little boy

you were not an average baby. i have mentioned this many times before, but you hated things that babies are supposed to love. the stroller. the car seat. the swing. you needed to be held all the time. and to nurse all the time. you had to bounce. not in the bouncy seat, but in our arms. i couldn't pee without you. most days i still can't. i couldn't take more than a 30 second shower. and that was on the days that i could. many days now i still can't. you don't want me out of your sight. you never have.

i guess some people believe that i have spoiled you -- or even worse -- ruined you.

i always picked you up when you wanted to be picked up. i still do. i kept you with me while we slept. i still do. you are ninteen and a half months old. it's only been the past couple of months that i have been able to sneak away from you during your naps. and it's been maybe about six or seven months since i could get away consistently at night. the time that i am able to stay away varies, but it really is nice to get some time to myself. to be able to pee alone. and cook dinner. and clean the kitchen floor. but i gotta admit. i already miss those hours of just laying on the bed with you. i can only imagine how much i will miss those times when another baby comes along someday. or when you are all grown up and are only napping because you stayed out too late with your friends the night before.

but the point is, you are becoming a big boy already. right before my eyes. all by yourself. on your own terms. you come up to me and tell me when you pooped. you say, "poop" and point to your diaper and say, "off". you say "thank you" to people when they give you something (most of the time it's after we walk away from them, but i still think it's pretty awesome). it's mostly awesome because i never say to you, "say thank you". you say it just because you hear me say it. you amaze me every day. you are becoming such a good sleeper and i am so happy that i never left you to cry alone. i trusted that you would learn to do it by yourself. and you are learning. same with the bath. you hated it unless daddy or i were in there with you. until a few months ago you wouldn't bathe alone. and aside from a couple of weeks in which you refused a bath altogether because of a stupid thing i did, you love baths all by yourself now. you ask for them. i still can't really leave you without a mojor fit. but the truth is, i hate to leave you. yes, it would probably be nice to be able to go anywhere and see you waving to me at the door with daddy holding you -- or even better -- to go somewhere with daddy and see you waving with uncle chris and your cousins. but i have to trust that someday, there will be someplace that i really want to go bad enough that it will be worth it to put us both through the separation and we will do it. and we will both be smiling and waving and blowing kisses. but for now, it's just something we are not ready for. and someday, just like with anything, i will miss the time when you were attached to my hip. you will be out with your friends and i will miss your presence. and someday you will move out of the house. and go to college. get married. or just take off with a backpack and explore the world. and i will miss the hell out of you and look back to the days when i couldn't leave because you wouldn't let me. and i'll miss the hell out of that.