11 January, 2012

tiger mom

when i was in my twenties i woke up one day with some bumps on the side of my neck. they itched like hell. i scratched and scratched at them. i went to the doctor and she told me i had swollen glands. wtf? are you serious? i went back after a few days without an appointment when the bumps were worse and asked if the doctor could just look at my neck again. she came out and told me that her office was not mcdonald's and that i needed an appointment if i wanted her to look at my neck again.

i switched doctors and the new doc asked me why i waited so long to get the bumps looked at.
i had shingles.

this new doc was the one who told me years later, when i was ten weeks pregnant with your brother that my fever of 105 that was not going away even with four hour doses of tylenol and advil alternating for ONE WEEK was just a virus and i had to wait it out. i eventually went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital for a week with pneumonia.

you know the story of your brother. misdiagnosed yeast infection. multiple vaginal exams at 22 weeks after water had broken. doctor asking if i was breastfeeding your dead brother at my six-week appointment.

when you were a couple of months old the first ped we were seeing said you were cranky because you had an ear infection. he gave me a script which we never completed and you were the same. you didn't have an ear infection. you were just cranky.

even your doc now who we love told me you had intestinal worms because i was curious about some stringy things in your poop. he gave me a script. i never completed it. you didn't have worms.

you can understand why i don't trust doctors.

so last week when you had a swollen testicle, i was hesitant to call the doctor. i finally did and took you in and was told i needed to take you to the ER immediately because it was possible that you could lose that testicle. i am beating myself up now about not calling sooner. so, lesson from mason learned.

luckily the worst case scenario did not come true this time. you do, however, likely need surgery. you have a hydrocele.

today we have to take you to the pediatric urologist to go over the details.

i am terrified of handing you over to some doctors while you scream and reach for me. i can only imagine the intensity at which you will protest as they try to get you under general anesthesia. you are so young. so little. i am terrified of all of the ways they could screw up.

you are my baby. you are everything for me. everything.

i am putting this in writing. if you have to have the surgery and they screw up in the worst way imaginable, i will have absolutely nothing to lose. i won't be able to live with losing you. i will kill someone. i will.

so today when we meet with this doctor i will be exploring all possible options. and if it turns out that surgery is the only choice, i will make it clear to this doctor how and why i feel the way i do. i am sure your dad will be embarrassed a few times by the end of the appointment. but this guy has to know that you are all i have and that i am a crazy woman when it comes to protecting you.

fuck amy chua. i am the tiger mom.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Tiff, wow. I want to pick up the phone & call you to talk--because I've had some worries in that general area of Jackson's body too, since summer. I'll keep you guys in my thoughts. Know that I am around (FB, twitter, and I think you might have my cell #) if you want to vent, scream, or talk.

    I'm totally with you about the crazy, by the way. We are our children's only & fiercest protectors, it is our job, and I think that warrants some crazy.