patterns

i have a patience problem and because of that, so do you. when you try to explain something to me and i don't understand what you need, you cry and yell at me. sometimes you bite me. sometimes you throw or bang whatever it is you are holding with such force that i am sure you will dent the wall.

you point out the dent in the wall (or should i say dents in the walls) from when i have done just that. not for the same reasons, but for seemingly even more ridiculous ones.

and it breaks my heart every time.

and i hate to even admit that i react that way to stress sometimes. i would like to be able to say that i react the way that i do in my mind's eye. with a deep breath and the belief that nothing is that important.

but i let it get the best of me sometimes. and because of me, so do you.

you have no patience. no tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. and i have done that to you.

i lack patience with human beings in general, but mostly i lack patience with your dad and our dogs. and situations that i cannot control. you see me mumble under my breath or voice my frustration. you see me get annoyed with the dogs for just being dogs. you see me talk to your dad as if he is less than intelligent.

you and i spend a hell of a lot of time together.

so that means that you witness this shitty behavior pretty often. and though i try to hold it back or to shield you from it, you know. you feel it.

and then you mimic it. it is what you have learned. even though 95% of the time i respond to you with patience and love, the times that i have reacted to your fits of rage with a bit of insanity are the times that you have chosen to imprint on your brain.

it sucks.

lately, i have been imagining you growing up and getting married to someone like me. that image has really helped me be kinder and more patient with your dad. because i imagine him as a little boy and i imagine being his mother and feeling that overwhelming love for him.
the shitty thing is that you probably will choose someone like me. or worse, you will be like me. that's just what we do.

and that scares the shit out of me.

so how do we change our deeply embedded patterns? how do we notice when we are being less than what we expect of ourselves? and how do we become more of what we want for our kids?

it's just so hard sometimes to be a parent. there are so many things that we just fuck up. sometimes we do it unconsciously and sometimes we are more than conscious of it.

being conscious is sometimes so painful. and so terrifying.

i work every day to be better for you, but sometimes it seems as though i am stuck. i face the same fight with myself over and over again. sometimes, like motherhood in general, it's just thoroughly exhausting.

but i have to believe that i can be better. just last night you threw the meltdown of all meltdowns. and i actually stayed calm. throughout the entire thing.

you are teaching me every day how to be better.

i can only hope that in the end it's the good stuff you remember. and the good stuff that you get from me.

or that at least you understand that in every moment of every day, i did my very best.