08 March, 2011

to work or not to work

it's march. there are five months left in the school year. i was just sitting here thinking that if it were next year and i were back to work how miserable i would be. i feel so lucky that i have been able to be home with you for 17 months and two days. and i have only been away from you a few times in those 17 months for a couple of hours at a time. i could probably count those times on two hands.

i did not plan to be this kind of mother. i bought the $200 breast pump because i figured i would have to pump milk so i could be away from you. i figured i would have to be away from you for my sanity. and i am sure it probably could have helped if i had gone that way. your dad would maybe be happier. he and i have gone to dinner once alone since you were born. we were gone an hour. maybe. but i don't feel bad about it. except that i think sometimes he feel sbad about it. i hate leaving you. i feel weird, almost wrong, when we are not together. i am not that mom who needs my time or space. sometimes i wish i were that mom. it would be nice to go get my toes done or my brows waxed and to stop on the way home for a coffee at starbucks and read for a while. but that day will come sometime. for now, i feel best when we are together.

so that brings me to my major life decision. do i go back to work? do i go back to work half of the year, almost literally, or do i give up the salary and the stability and all that it could bring us as a family? i mean, i teach 6th grade. i like my job. i love the kids most days and i have lots of fun with them. lots. and most of them have loved me through the years. parents usually love me. i love everyone i work with. my principal is probably the best in jersey to work for and we live .8 miles from work. you would be with grandmom and grandpop while i was at work. they live .4 miles from us. i would be home by 3:16 every day. i would be home for all of the days off and all summer.

it would really be the best possible situation in the world. i am not sure who would have it easier as a working mom.


i hate to leave you. hate it. i enjoy spending time with you. i enjoy being able to watch every minute of you as you grow and learn and explore. i love that we don't ever have to be anywhere unless we want to be. i love that we can spend time just living and being. we don't have to rush. and we learn so much from each other. i can enjoy you at your own pace.

your dad loves that i am home with you, too. he knows how much it means to both of us.

and we don't want much. we live in a tiny house and we don't have lots of stuff. we don't want lots of stuff. we can do it. live on one salary i mean. and it won't be too difficult. it will be tight and i will probably worry about money more than i can handle sometimes. we won't be able to get new fancy cars or go on regular vacations. we will have to watch every penny we spend for a long time. i will probably be very jealous of most of my friends when i see the new things they can buy and the things they can afford to do. but we can do it. i can make some money. there's lots i can do and lots i have brewing.

i hate to leave carusi. it's really the best place in the world to teach. if i ever have to go back, i don't know how i would be able to go anywhere else and teach. i would be like my friend maddy who always compared life in jersey to life in ohio, as if it was some kind of neverland or something. it would totally suck to have to teach anywhere else. so i would have to be sure that didn't happen. i would just never be able to go back. or i could only go back if there was an opening at carusi.

but regardless, i have never been one to make decisions based on fear.

(well, except for when i decided to allow them to section me instead of going home to labor with you, but that's a whole other blog entry.)

i have also been devouring books about education reform. about homeschooling. and i don't think that my conscience will allow me to ever go back into a public school classroom. i just feel so many things are wrong for so many kids, i don't think i could do it.

so here i am. at a precipice. do i resign from a job and that i love (and go to with your dad) that has a fairly nice paycheck with complete stability and a pension and leave you with your loving grandparents for about 186 days of the year OR do i stay home with you and worry sometimes about money and not be able to save anything and leave the house every day miserable because i miss you.

the truth is i already know the answer to this question. i have known for a while. i just have to be brave enough to admit it. and i think just writing this will help.

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Tiff. Love your feelings and emotions. I was there. Worked part time with Julianne and it just wasn't worth it. Quit when I got pregnant with my beautiful boy.

    Loved being home with my babies. Did not need anything more. Met great moms and great kids. And now look at me.....I am almost done.....no, not being a Mom, just mothering.

    Now I am just learning to let go. My first baby will be a senior next year and off to college. My second is in 9th grade. They are moving away from me, which is so hard, but good. They need to if they are to survive in this world. But oh.....

    I never wished one day away. The stages are all so special. I am finding these teen years are trying. But that is how we learn to let go....if they were still my sweet babies all the time, I would never let them go. But when my darling daughter is sassy and moody, I let go. I have to.....for my sanity. For me.

    So I will survive the terrible teen years. I will enjoy the days when she is my "little" girl. I will cherish every moment I have with her. I will cherish all her accomplishments. I will be the proud mom of the young lady she is becoming. I will watch in awe as she handles herself with her elders.

    And my son, so much easier, no mood swings, no answering back, but no more hugs. No more kisses. He doesn't think I'm funny anymore. Dad is cool now. I love their relationship. I am so proud of it. He will teach him what I can't. What I don't know. But as I watch him open my door, I am proud. When I see him turn into the young man he will become.....I am happy.

    Wow, did I lose myself right now. Anyway, I was just going to say to enjoy this time. I did....every single second.....and it's gone. Where did time go? When did they grow up? I was right here, and I still missed it.....

    My one piece of advice....don't wish it away. It passes way too quickly. xoxo