30 April, 2011

baby number three for me

no. not yet.

when our little friend was born at home two hours after we left the zoo that day, i got kind of jealous. i always get jealous when i find out someone is pregnant or when i hear about a birth story. i don't want to feel that way, but i can't help it. it just takes over. sometimes i can't even be happy for people. i still am so effected by your brother's birth and by missing my chance to deliver you at home. i get angry with friends who trust their doctors so much that they make decisions that mess up their birth experiences for them. and then i get jealous when friends are lucky enough to have things go their way. i love these people and i love their babies, and it totally sucks that i still get these feelings. i hate it. i wish i could just be happy for people and that i could just let go of their experiences. after all, i know that each woman needs to birth her baby the way that she feels most comfortable and that each of us is on our own path. i know that some women are just not ready to take charge of their pregnancies or their deliveries. but i just want everyone to have the best birting experience they can. i know what it's like to be robbed of it. i know what effect doctors can have on a pregnancy and on a delivery. and when things go right i just can't help but be pissed off that things never seem to go right for me when it comes to delivering babies. but anyway this really wasn't the point of my post today. i have digressed.

the point was that after baby c was born at home in his tub, i was insanely jealous and made an appointment that day with the fertility doc to discuss our options as far as trying again with one or more of those embryo siblings of yours that we've got on ice. they said i can't try til i wean you. now we all know that i am not going to wean you. and we all know that i am also no rule follower, so of course i came home and looked into it. there have been plenty of moms who have gone through ivf while still breastfeeding. i could do it. especially since i want to try for an unmedicated transfer. but either way, the meds would be safe for you, so it wouldn't be a problem if we did use them.

but it got me thinking. really thinking.

i am not ready to have anohter baby. we want you to have a sibling. one that you can play with and talk to and teach things to. you love kids. you love being around your cousins. you are always so happy when you are playing with your friends (even when you are hitting them in the head and stuff). i want to have more babies. just not yet. i am very excited to be pregnant again. i love being pregnant. i love everything about it. i am so looking forward to my homebirth. my home vbac. but i am just not ready to actually care for another baby just yet. and although i am not young, i am still not so old that i really have to worry about the clock ticking. i really enjoy you. i love spending time with you and being able to stop everything just to go outside and play with you in the sandbox. i love to be able to jump on the bike and go for a ride with you whenever you touch your head and say "helmet". you and i are really into a groove and i don't want to mess with it just yet.

on top of that, i am terrified. you were not easy, as i've mentioned before. and i am absolutly terrified of having another baby who might be even nearly as demanding as you were. i cringe when i think back to the days of holding you and bouncing you all day long until my arms were numb. i can't imagine going through that again while you are still so needy and still demanding milkies about five times an hour sometimes and still often waking up every hour or two through the night to nurse.

so we will wait. and hey, maybe we will get pregnant on our own this time and we will just have to deal with what happens. because of course we will be able to deal with it and of course i can handle it. and likely it will be easier next time. after all, i have experience now and friends who will help. friends who understand what it's like to be a nursing mom and who won't tell me that "breastfeeding is for the birds" or that even though she knows i might get upset when she says this but that she thinks that my baby is crying all the time because he is hungry. my mommy friends get it and that just would have made it a whole lot easier last time. everyone always told me that i should give you a bottle so i could get a break. but i didn't need a break from you (i am pretty sur ei have have said this before) i needed help with all of the other shit that had to get done so i could just sit and nurse you. but no one understood. so this time, people will understand.

but still, i don't want to rush it. as jealous as i am that my amazing friends keep on having these amazing pregnancies and deliveries, i can wait for my next one. for now, you and i can just keep on being us. and one day, you will have your own baby to hold and kiss. and you will be able to watch him or her be born here at home. and i will keep learning lessons from cooper and from you and from another little soul.

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