4. i really miss cooper this week. especially today.

not sure why, but i'm missing your brother a lot this week. i was lying there with you snuggled close last night thinking about cooper's birth. i couldn't believe it was real. i feel like i talk so much about him, that sometimes i forget the reality of it. the reality that he was here and that he died. you have a brother that you will never know. i imagine times will come when you will speak of him as if you knew him, but you won't. no one will. only me, really.

people are reading this story now and many are dying to know how this all worked out. but i feel like first have to honestly address the sheer anger i voiced earlier towards good people who did nothing wrong. i was so full of anger and jealousy that people who were having babies just pissed me off with their blind ignorance. i am sorry. but these were just my honest feelings. i never planned to let anyone read this.

so back to the story.

we were there in that OR. i was shivering and uncertain about what to do. at one point i yelled, "i cannot think with all of these people staring at me!" the room was lined with doctors, nurses, anesthesiologist, anesthesis, pediatricians, etc. upon hearing my exclamation, they all abruptly left the room. they must have been wondering what all of the thought was about. of course i would have a c-section. i was there. i was prepped. you were 39 weeks. breech. no brainer.

they just don't know, i guess, about how important that experience of labor is. so many moms don't think about labor, or pregnancy for that matter, as anything but a means to an end. many moms even choose a c-section. but there we were, faced with this choice. we went back and forth. i'm going to go. no stay. let' get out of here. wait. maybe not. then i stopped. what can i live with? can i live with choosing his birthday? yes. can i live with him dying. no. there was no way i would survive that. if you died because of a choice i made, i would not survive. period. so as much as it pained me to lose the homebirth experience, as much as i knew deep down that you would be ok, that dr. salvatore, as wonderful as she is, is still a surgeon, as much as i wanted to birth you, i could not lose you. i had already lost your brother.

so i said it. i think i should stay. and meredith, with tears in her eyes, said, finally, i think you should, too. and that was it.

the sheet went up and the docs and nurses began to wash up. daddy went to call your grandparents. meredith stayed with me but at some point was kicked out. when your dad came back i asked if he'd called uncle chris and aunt cole. he hadn't, so he texted them right there.

just as he did, i said to him, when are they gonna start? and dr. salvatore said we're halfway through, tiff. and minutes later we heard the play-by-play. your butt, your legs, your arms, your head.

you were here.

(i later discovered that the texts were received at 3:34 pm and you were born at 3:40 pm. meredith also told me that, ironically, they hd to break your water sac and it literally exploded all over the room.)

you cried. i was worried that they cut the cord too fast. i said it. dr. s. said she'd swiped it so you got all the blood. i'm not sure how effective that is, if it's the same as letting it stop pulsing on it's own, but she gets credit for the attempt.

your dad stayed with me as the strangers took you away. (i found out later through a picture that the gooked up your eyes, even though i told them not to. so pissed. still.) i yelled at daddy, "go with him!" you were all alone in the lights, the cold, with strangers doing things to you. i wanted you to at least hear daddy's voice if i couldn't hold you. it still hurts me to think about how you must have felt.

i began to feel the pain of getting sewn up. they gave me more drugs. i was freezing. covered with blankets. i got a glimpse of you when you were first born...you were still in that crazy hurdler position...you looked literally terrified. i wanted to hold you. i couldn't. daddy did. meredith did. the doctors did. but not me. meredith tried to find space through the blankets to get you nursing. but it wouldn't work. at some point i fell asleep. daddy said i was snoring.

they moved me to a bed and rolled us out together to recovery. it was then that i was able to hold you. to touch you. to breathe you.

you nursed. and i fell in love.

part 3...this could take a while

so there we were in the OR getting ready to turn you. i should've known by then that if you were going to turb, it was going to be when you were ready. i know now nearly 8.5 months later, that you are not a baby that can be manipulated.

anyway, i was cold and numb and full of hope. so were the doctors. and meredith. and your dad. they started trying to turn you. you wouldn't budge. they kept trying and you kept staying put. then your heart rate elevated. a lot. so we waited. they tried again. nothing. i mean NOTHING. not even a millimeter. then i had a contraction. we waited again. another try. more nothing. the doctor said, "guys, i don't know if this is gonna happen. you gave it your best shot, but he's not moving".

ok. i was ok with that. you still had time. hell, we were only at week 39. we had three more weeks to play with.

but then we got the bad and scary news. dr. salvatore said, "tiff, i have to tell you..." she went on to explain that she understood my need to go home and start labor naturally when you were ready. but that i needed to know that there was a slight possibility of cord prolapse. meaning that your knee was over my cervix and in between was your cord. if i began labor with my water breaking (which was a distinct possibility considering your brother's experience) the cord could slip out and you would have seconds to live.

even with that information, your dad, meredith and i still spent a good 30-45 minutes trying to decide what to do. i so badly wanted to at least begin the birth dance with you.

birth story, part 2

so there we were...me, daddy, meredith, and janelle (midwife and apprentice). waiting. they finally took us in for the version at who knows what time. i had to be prepped for a c-section, just in case something went wrong. i started to cry because it was so medical in that OR. i didn't want that for us. it was bright and cols and there were so many doctors and nurses. times three because cooper hospital is a teaching hospital. it was overwhelming and suddenly i got the feeling that everyone knew they'd be sectioning me. i said to your dad, "i never would've done this if i'd known it would be like this."

i was not planning on getting a section. i didn't pack bags, i didn't make arrangements for the dogs. daddy and i didn't go to dinner the night before. i didn't tell anyone that we might end up holding you that day. i didn't say good bye to my students. nothing. that's because the plan was...the plan we made with dr. salvatore and meredith...to try to turn you and if you didn't cooperate, we would go home and wait to go into labor. we were only at 39 weeks. i wanted to labor at home as long as possible, even if it meant someone else might end up doing the surgery. i did not want to choose your birthday.

your birth story, part 1

well, here i sit on the couch with you sleeping on my lap. it's 7:30 pm and this is your resting place until mommy is ready for bed. you are seven months, one week and four days old. and i'm just now deciding to write your birth story. let's see how much i remember...and how long it takes to type with my left hand only.

we went to the hospital at 9 am. and waited a long time for our ultrasound. it was confirmed, though. you were still breech. and it was no regular breech. i don't think there's even a name for this kind of breech. you were in a hurdler position with your arms stretched over your head. stuck, i guess.

we waited another really long time for the doctors to meet with us. the "king of versions" was going to try to turn you, so it was an extra long wait. but he thought he could turn you. we felt confident we'd be home for dinner with a vertex baby in my belly.

you haad another idea.

up-side-down...

well, mr. mason, you are still breech in there. many people are saying not to worry, that you will turn when you are ready, even if it is right before we start labor.

but you know your mommy. she still worries.

actually, i am pretty proud of myself because i am not really worried. i am only trying to explore all options and make sure that i do everything i can to get you into this world the way you are meant to enter it.

although in the end, i do believe that it's pretty much your karma to be born the way you will be. and mine. and daddy's.

here's what i've done to try to help you turn if you want to --

chiropractic
moxibustion (that's when daddy burns that stinky cigar like thing down near my pinky toes)
maya abdominal massage
inversions (that's when i am hanging off the couch upside down or laying on my back in a tilt)
swimming with somersaults and handstands included
ice packs on your head
whale sounds and baby mozart at my pelvis
daddy talks to you down low through a paper towel roll
walking our fingers from your head to my pelvic bone
trying to massage you in the right direction
continuing my yoga
crawling on the floor on my hands and knees
visualization/pictures of head-down babies around the house
talking to myself and to you
and i think there has to be more...i'm sure your dad will help me remember...

so we are going with meredith to the OB today to discuss the options of you decide not to turn or if you just can't. i'm trying to listen to you, baby boy, to see what you need. i love you and either way, we are just so excited to meet you and hold you and squeeze you and love you.

update

nicole asked me last week why i haven't updated my blog lately. it's partly because i can't type, but it's also partly because i'm not angry or scared too much anymore. and that's a good thing.

so here are a few things i need to update you on...

little mason is in the breech position. if he stays there, we will have to have him in the hospital via c-section. and what a rip-off that will be. i will be so disappointed to have the docs be the first to hold him. i know that in the end, all that matters is that he is healthy and he is here, but i just want his entry into this world to be perfect. for him and for me. we (josh, meredith and i) are all going to see dr. salvatore on wednesday to come up with a back-up plan.

his room is all finished, as you know. however, it keeps on looking like a bomb dropped in there. we keep receiveing gifts! it's amazing. we have clothes for him for the next three years of his life. i've done so many loads of laundry and there are still crates of clothes in the attic that will need washing. we are so thankful to everyone.

my belly is HUGE. and bigger every second, it seems. mason is moving around all the time. i mean all the time. i wonder if he will be as active when he is out in the real world with the rest of us.

josh is going to take three weeks off when the baby arrives. it's going to be a wonderful time for all of us to bond.

nicole got a job. we miss her. chris was laid off. he loves it, but we are all hoping he will get a new job at lowe's very soon. he and nicole are tlaking about getting an apartment together. funny that nicole and i were roomies for so long and now she may be a roomie with my brother. i love it!

other than that, my body is just getting ready to release this little one into the world. i hardly sleep. my allergies are out of control. this cough is still here and has gotten bad again. but soon, very soon, possibly any day now, we will have a baby to kiss and love.

baby shower!!!

it's been a while and i do apologize...it's just so hard to type with my numb fingers. i do want to update a few things, even though it means going back nearly three weeks!

so aunt cole threw us the best baby shower ever! it was here at our house and everything was perfect. she had lucky bamboo for decorations and TONS of yummy food. grandmom helped, too. aunt cole had a clothes line with so many cute outfits for you -- including baby legs, which i cannot wait to see you wear with your onesies! all of our friends were here to celebrate you -- and they all brought us everything we need for you. they all brought books, too, so you have a nice big bookcase filled with lots of great books! she did everything just the way i wanted it -- no gift wrap so no opening of presents in front of everyone! it was awesome. i was so tired at the end of the day, though.

so a big huge thank you to aunt cole to all of her hard work making the day perfect for us!

more lessons

the placenta has moved, so one of our hurdles has been jumped.

however, little boy, you are NOT in the head down position. your head is up near my heart. maybe that's because we are just so connected and you feel comfortable there. but i need you to move down so we can have the birth experience we have been dreaming about. i know that either way, in the end, a you being born healthy is all that matters, but i will feel such a loss if i have to go to the hospital for a c-section. i want so badly for you to come into this world in a peaceful way, the way you deserve. with nice lighting and calming scents, and people who love and care about you.

i love you. please feel safe to move your head down.

33 weeks with the midwife

we had our 33-week check-up on monday. it went well, but meredith thinks you are upside down. well, really right side up, but we need you to have your head down. you still have plenty of time to flip. we are going to go see you on the ultrasound machine to make sure. if you are the wrong way, we are going to try everything we can to help you get into the right position for our home delivery. i hope you cooperate. trust your mommy, it will be so much better to be born here than in the hospital.

what's daddy been up to?

well, last week your daddy fell off of his motorcycle. it was about 8:00 and he was coming home early from work at the pool. i was happy that he would be home early. but right after he hung up, it started to rain. hard. and there was a lot of crazy wind. it was bad. i was so worried. lincoln and i were staring out the window waiting for him to get home safe. but he called and said that he wrecked. i ran out of the house in the rain with no shoes and in my pjs to go get him. he was right up the street. it was so scary. he was worried that because i was upset you would come early. but you know better than that! he is ok. he has a lot of scratches and scrapes, but we were very lucky. his bike needs some fixing up, but nothing too bad. your mom was never so scared in her life...i hope that we never have to be that scared for daddy again.

but on a happier note, daddy has been working hard on your bedroom...even though you probably won't be in there too much! he has torn down the paneling on the walls, spackled and painted, hung a chair rail, baseboard, and crown molding. he is now laying the floor and will hang the valances. (i've also been having him do tons of other stuff like paint the bathroom, work on outside stuff, etc. he has been so awesome about it all.) he loves that he is able to make your room for you! you will love it when you see it! here's what it looks like so far...

the big scare

last thursday night was a terrible night. i was contracting pretty much every 4 minutes or so. i also had a random pain in my upper abdomen. we called meredith at about midnight. she said relax, take a bath, and if they didn't stop -- go to the hospital for a scan. after about two more hours of "let's go...let's wait...let's go...let's wait" i finally decided to try to close my eyes and calm myself down. i fell asleep and in the morning, i was fine. i think maybe i didn't drink enough. no worries since then, though.

doc visit

so last monday at the doc's, we waited. of course we waited. we waited about an hour. it's been worse. dr. salvatore was great, though. she was not concerned at all about the bloodwork, even though my iron was pretyt low. she even gave dietary suggestions about how to get the iron levels up -- instead of the standard "take an iron pill" recommendation. she guessed that the baby is in a head down position. we left feeling relaxed and very positive...but still both of us confirmed that we would not have done this any other way. without a midwife, i mean. i will never go back to the medical model of care. i lvoe my midwife!

fingers

please forgive me if my spelling is off. my fingers are numb and have been for weeks now. it's mostly the thumbs, pointers, and middles -- which are exactly the fingers i use for typing (yes, people, i failed keyboarding in high school). so that's that.

blood work results

the blood work came back "still weird". i love my midwife (have i mentioned that?) she has been consulting with dr. salvatore (remember the supportive OB who is so supportive of homebirth? they both think the blood work is weird. i have to go in on monday to the (yes) doctor's office. i am so dreading that -- waiting and waiting. but i plan to make the most of that waiting and take up as much time as possible once i get some time with the doc. the whole thing is that i could have some form of anemia -- but not the typical anemia. of course. why would anything be typical? i am just hoping and praying that it is something that can be fixed and that the birth at home will not be affected. i cannot imagine having this baby boy anywhere but at home.

on another note, he is rolling around in there like crazy. i don;t really feel kicks and punches too often, but i do feel a ton of rolling and it seems that my belly is constantly making waves. i love this boy.

also, we've received a few baby gifts -- closet organizer from grandma and grandpa e, baby's name in beautifully painted letters from aunt erica, and DIAPERS! yes, i was that excited when i opened the package from nina and tammy. they are so damn cute and look so big. this boy is gonna have a chunky looking butt!

blood in the street

friday we met with meredith. it was a great appointment. they (she and the midwife's apprentice -- i love saying that) felt around my belly trying to see which way the boy was hanging out in there. his head was down near my pelvis and he was kind of slung in there on a diagonal.

my blood pressure is good. baby's heart rate is good. my water level is great. conversation was good. couch was comfy. it was, as always, a great hour spent.

she took my blood to check iron levels. and then she called me yesterday evening to say she wanted to re-draw my blood because the results came back "weird". that's not really a concern for me right now, so if the second draw comes back showing anything negative, i will post about that. but for now, the good story is this.

meredith's partner (her midwifery business partner) is currently having her baby. as of friday, she was 42 weeks pregnant. so as of today, she is 42 weeks and 4 days. the baby is coming, but it has been long and slow. so because of this, meredith needed me to swing by christy's house so she could re-draw. and obviously we weren't going inside, so there we were, camped out on a curb in south philly, filling a vial with blood. it was fabulous.

an education in childbirth

i decided to become certified to teach other people about all of the wonderful ways they can give birth to their babies. since my experience with your brother at the hospital with all of those doctors who seemed so impersonal and to know know what i (or cooper) needed, i have been reading and exploring and learning about all of the ways babies can come into this world.

that's why you will be born here at home. it is safer for you because the only germs here are our germs -- germs you are already used to. mommy will feel safer, too. i can play the music i like and make the lights how i want them, and be where i want to be. i will be able to walk around. to get into the shower. or the tub. i can labor on the toilet. i can eat and drink. daddy will be able to catch you. we will leave your cord attached until you no longer need it. and we won't have to sleep in the hospital. we will already be home where we are comfortable. and we won't have to leave. not until we want to leave.

i feel so sad for people (including the old me) who think that a hospital birth is their only choice. who think that the standard of care they get from their OB is normal and the only option.

so i want to be able to empower women to make the choices that are right for them. and yes, some will still go to their OB and have their baby at the hospital, and that's ok for them. but i want them to know that they are in charge of the births of their babies. that they, in fact, know how to give birth to their babies better than the doctors do -- even the female ones. because we all give birth differently. we all know how to do it. but we have been convinced that we need help.

so i spent the weekend with five other miraculous women. each one has a different story and a different birthing experience to share. i learned so much and can't wait to learn more. it will take some time -- i have a lot of work to do before becoming certified as a childbirth educator, but it will be such an exciting journey.

and i know so much more now, after this weekend, that i feel so much more prepared and excited for your arrival into this world. it's so close. two months away or so. i feel you moving around in there so often, hopefully you will be getting comfortable with your head down pretty soon. right now, it's down there. but you are on a diagonal line across my belly. but i know you will get to where you need to be. we won't force you to do anything.

we love you.

observations

as we were going through our grief over the loss of your brother and then our struggles with trying to conceive again, i swore i would NEVER complain about being pregnant. so let me clarify -- these are not complaints. as i keep telling your dad, i am simply reporting out observations of what is happening to my body. i tend to observe and report out on the good, the bad, and the ugly. so here it goes...

the good

my baby belly
seeing myself naked
feeling you move around in there
practicing yoga with you, my angel, inside
your daddy reading to my tummy
your daddy kissing you through my belly
all of the things your daddy does for me
your grandparents are so excited
our friends are so excited
your cousins and your aunt cole are so excited
taking a shower with my big belly in the way of my feet
imagining what you look like
day dreaming about your arrival
thinking about all of the things we will do as a family
imagining carrying you around in a sling
dreaming about you
picturing your daddy holding you and kissing you
looking forward to my prenatal photo session
(i guess this list could go on forever)

the bad

i cannot sleep
my hands are always falling asleep
indigestion
stress about whether or not i am eating well enough
swollen feet (only sometimes)
my lower back hurts
(not as bad as i thought)

the ugly

i am still jealous and angry about other people's pregnancies and little babies
(not sure if this one will ever go away)

so that's that. it's down in writing. and i don't feel as guilty about mentioning observations i may be making while on this journey towards mommy-hood.

we've all come a long way, baby

29 weeks tomorrow. i can't even believe it. that means only 11 more weeks until you are to term. and only 9 until we are safely able to welcome you into the world here at home. it seems like we were only 9 weeks pregnant just yesterday. and then 12. it is really going by so fast. i only have to have 8 more shots of progesterone in my bum (i am using much nicer words these days in my blog because i am writing them to you, little boy).

side track -- i'm not sure if i mentioned that we know your name. we have known it from way back when we found out you were for sure a boy. so i guess we settled on it somewhere in either week 13 or 14. we had thought about naming your brother that name, but grandpop didn't like it at the time. he does now, so we won't mention it!

anyway, what i am trying to say about all of this is that we are almost there. this very long journey towards holding you in our arms has almost ended. it started so long ago. your dad and i have both grown so much through all of it. through dealing with the loss of your brother, through months of trying unsuccessfully, through the IUIs, through IVF and through a very scary first half of this pregnancy. but now you are almost here. and now the things i am thinking about are if i have enough on my registries (aunt cole says i do not), what to call your dad's parents, since grandmom and grandpop are already taken, who will your pediatrician be, and fun things like that.

your dad is making your room better every day. he has torn off that ugly paneling that was in there. he ripped out the carpet. he took away the molding. he spackled the holes in the wall and painted the primer on. and now, your room is painted -- white up top and bright orange on the bottom. we have had your adorable bedding for so long, about a year now i guess. i can't wait to see what your room looks like in the end. i want you to know that this is all new for your daddy. he was very brave in taking on this project. he never knew how to do anything around the house before, but he has tried and done a great job so far. he still has to put up the molding and lay the floors, and paint the window frames, (and all within the next month!) but i am sure it will get done and that in the end it will be perfect. he has put all of his love into making your room a nice place for you to grow and play. (your cousins helped, too!)















and then there is aunt cole, she got to feel you move yesterday. she saw my belly thump out and ran right over to introduce herself. now i am sure that you are already very familiar with her voice, but wait until you meet her in person. she is going to love you so much and as she says, torture you. and she will...she will want to bite you and suck on your lip and all sorts of strange things. but don't be scared, she loves you already.

aunt cole and i have been through a lot together. we were friends in high school, but it wasn't until we were out of school that we became really good friends. we had lots of fun together and maybe when you are grown up we will tell you about some of those times. we lived together for a long time -- in three different homes. she is like my sister, so that's why she is your aunt.

and cole has a baby boy named nicolas who is with your brother somewhere. he was born a few months before cooper. she and i weren't talking then because mommy was stupid and she let some stupid guy before she met your wonderful daddy influence her thinking. so aunt cole had her feelings hurt and we didn't talk for a while. your mom missed her while she was gone, but we didn't see each other until mommy was in the hospital with pneumonia when i was 10 weeks pregnant with your brother. she was worried about me and your brother so she came to see me. it was brave of her.

it was only a few weeks before that that i had learned that she lost nicolas the way she did. i should have called, but i didn't think she would want to hear from me. plus, i didn't even really understand what had happened to her. i was one of those stupid people that i get so angry with these days. you know? the ones i have cursed about throughout my blog writing. the ones who get pregnant so easily and have their babies with no problems and who are oblivious to the fact that bad things can happen and that babies can die. that was me. and that's why i get so angry.

so anyhow, we started to talk again. mostly through email. we were supposed to get together on february 2, 2008 for coffee in the morning. i was going to go over to her apartment and see her and spend some time with her little boy, noah (who you will spend lots of time with). but on january 31, when my water broke i called her right after i called your daddy. she came to be with me right away. she came to be with us the next day, too, and was there when your brother was born. it was a very sad day for all of us.

so you can see why she matters so much to me. i'm sure i don't show it the way i should, but she really is one of the most special people in the world to me. she will be there when you are born, too. and your daddy and me and aunt cole will all be so happy when we get to hold you and hear you cry. and i know we will all be crying with you.

eating, sleeping, pooping

and no i am not talking about you. i am talking about me.

eating is stressing me out. i am not really hungry anymore. i mean, i get hungry, but earlier on, until about a month ago, i was famished. all. the. time. it seemed that from the minute your little embryo was implanted into my uterus, i was hungry. i ate all day long. and sometimes, i even ate during the night. i couldn't get enough food. and that lasted until about week 24 or so, i was starving. (maybe that's why i have already gained about 35 pounds and i still have 12 weeks to go.) but now, not so much. and so i forget to eat as much as i should. then i worry. i worry about your brain. i worry about you. all. the. time. but i guess that's normal. that's what mommies do.

i can't sleep. i cannot get comfortable. i even bought one of those giant stupid rip off maternity pillows. it may help a little, but i still can't sleep. now i am not a good sleeper as it is. i seem to have overcome my light-sleeping, but now i am waking up every hour or so either to pee or just because i am completely uncomfortable.

i will keep this short, in case anyone other than your dad and aunt cole ever read this -- my poop is so weird. anyone who knows me knows that i am obsessed with poop anyway, so it wouldn't really be surprising to know that i am writing about it. but every day it is different. a different color. different texture. different amount. different smell. so weird.

these are just some of the ways you have changed my life so far. other than that, i don't wear deodorant anymore (i don't want to poison you with the aluminum in there and the natural stuff makes me smell worse than i do on my own), my favorite thing to do is take a shower with your daddy so that he can talk to you and hold you in my belly. then we get into bed and he reads you a book. i could spend the rest of my life that way. i drink OJ every day. i never used to because of the sugar, but i figure you probably like the sweet taste, and plus it gives us calcium and vitamin c. oh yes, the vitamins -- prenatals, fish oil, femdophilus (twice per day), vitamin c, vitamin e, and i eat everything orange so that you will have plenty of vitamin a (beta carotene) because it is supposed to make that bag of water that you are floating in really strong. i live for every movement in my belly and i am already wondering how sad i will be when you are not in there anymore. i am so excited to meet you and hold you, but i love that we have all of this time together. i love looking at myself naked. never in my life have i said that. but i love seeing my big belly with you inside. you have changed me in so many ways already. i can't imagine what it will be like once you are here.

just when i'd forgotten

so just when i thought things were rolling along nice and easy, we got a letter from the fertility center yesterday reminding me that we are not so normal, after all. they want to know what we are going to do with our three frozen embryos...our popsicle babies. these are your possible future brothers and sisters. they would allow us to try again without your dad having to give your mom so many shots. you all would have the same date of conception! but all different birthdays. how crazy would that be?

but the other side is that we have to pay $270 per every six months of "storage", or shall i say babysitting. that means that by the time we have all of our babies, we could have spent thousands. what to do...what to do??? it sounds heartless to talk about money when i've just described these little frozen things as your future brothers and sisters.

but what if in the future we can make a baby on our own without having to go to the doctor all the time, and without having my blood drawn all the time, and without thinking so much about it? what if we store those embryos and we try again and it doesn't work -- there is a lower success rate with frozen embies than with fresh ones, like you.

we have a couple of months to decide. but i'd rather just focus on you, so i'd like to make the decision pretty quickly.