12 May, 2009

fear and loathing in the second trimester

i really hate pregnant women who can just be pregnant and happy and enjoy every second of pregnancy. i am scared. scared all of the time. i hate to admit it, and i rarely will. in fact, this is probably the first time i have even admitted it to myself. it's just so damned unfair. josh and i have to worry about every little thing that to most parents-to-be see as normal occurrences of pregnancy. and i hate those parents. oh god, i fucking hate them all. i want to go up to every one of them and tell them how lucky they are and that i can't even believe how fucking stupid they are to not even realize it.

even the women in my prenatal yoga class. even the instructor. they are all so blind about what can happen. i hate them all.

i got up off of the couch last night around 9:00 and felt super dizzy. i walked to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and wasn't quite sure which was sideways -- me or the wall. the dizziness stuck with me 'til i crawled into bed. and it was there all night. and this morning. not as bad, but bad enough to bring me to open the fucking "what to expect" book and i hate that fucking book. all it does is scare the shit out of me every time i look in it. but i looked. and of course, dizziness is normal, but for me, there is no normal. i don't fit into that category. i wish someone would write a "what to expect when you're expecting after your first baby died" book. maybe i should write one.

so it's normal. but of course, it could also mean a low-lying placenta (yup) or abruption. but that's only if there's bleeding. no bleeding here. but i still have to check every 20 minutes or so. and i'm still using this suppository for the BV, so all day long, clear gel is flushing out of my crotch and i feel it. so every gush causes fear and anxiety.

and my midwife is in california. but it says in my paperwork to call her day or night for a list of serious concerns -- dizziness being one of them. but at 7 AM here it's 4 AM there and i am not convinced i should call. so i'm waiting 'til a normal hour. and now we have state testing and i am trapped in my room with no relief so i am staring at the door waiting for it to arrive so i can make my phone call.

oh god, spirit, universe -- whoever is listening -- please, please help us make it through this pregnancy safely with a little healthy baby boy in our arms.

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