obsessing over the vagina

i can't stop worrying about this damn vagina of mine. i ran over to my midwife yesterday so i could give her a sample form my vagina so that she could check for candida. can-di-da. i am actually starting to like the sound of that word. weird. i will know by friday what the infection is -- is it yeast? BV? insanity?

she gave me the name of a good therapist in the area who deals with pregnancy and post-partum issues. i called today. i hope she calls back soon. i need to get an appointment. i am having nightmares about blood in my underwear. i am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy, but these last couple of weeks, and no doubt the next few, i have been on egg shells.

my acupuncturist says that i should be good when i hit 6 months. maybe then i will relax a little?????

it's just that i want so badly to hold this baby and have him look me in the eyes. i want to lock eyes with him and stare for hours. and for days. and weeks.

i am still so envious of those moms-to-be who are naive to the whole idea of loss. envy. it really does lead to hate. i want to make them feel bad. and i hate to admit it but i still wish bad things would happen to them. i try not to and i hope to go it doesn't affect my karma. it's just that their blindness drives me mad.

and when i am going to be sure these feeling sin my belly are this little boy kicking and swimming around? i have been feeling flutters since 13 weeks. i am 20 and 3 now and i think i have felt a few jabs, but i am still not convinced. when will it happen? or am i still so doubtful that this will turn out well that i am in total denial and i will not allow myself to believe it?

why? why do good, kind people like us have to sufferlike this. and other good and kind people can't even get pregnant in the first place. what is it that allows pwople like my ex-sister in law make babies with no problem? why can she be pregnanct three times and eat like shit and not take care of her physical or mental well-being and still pop out three kids? granted, they were all early, but they are all happy and healthy today. i just don't get it. this shit just pisses me off.