10 May, 2009

my second mother's day

last year on mother's day, i was a mother. yet no one noticed. or knew. or thought about it. or knew what to say. i was a mother to a baby who had died. i don't really remember the day. i do remember that it wasn't as bad as i thought it would have been.

most days were like that. the bad days always seemed to come out of nowhere. the days i dreaded and worried about always passed by uneventfully. but it was mother's day and my baby was not with me. he was supposed to be in my belly. but he was not. he was gone. his body was in a little cube on our bookshelf. his spirit was with me and always is. but that, of course, can never take the place of snuggles and kisses.

cooper is always on our hearts. he is here with us, guiding us to learn all of those lessons. he is in every choice i make and every decision that his dad and i make as a family. that love that we felt on his birthday is still here, so in essence, cooper is still here.

today is another mother's day. my second. i got a few cards and even a couple of gifts. it's really nice and exciting to know that we have a new little soul on the way. people are not afraid to wish me a happy one this year.

last year, it really would have meant so much more if anyone could have actually had the balls to say it, but i guess i have to forgive people for their fear. for not knowing. for not understanding. i know that i was in the dark before i lost cooper.

next year will be a whole different mother's day. i imagine us celebrating on a beautiful day in may. remembering cooper and celebrating our second son. there will always be some sadness for me, though, on mother's day. always. as our other children grow up, they will pick out presents and cards for me and make me terrible breakfasts in bed. i wonder if they will know how much it would mean to their mom if they would sign cooper's name on the cards for him.

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