09 May, 2009

the sky is falling

i took the name of today's post from a conversation i had with joshua after we got home form the high-risk doc visit yesterday. it's so hard to balance my history with what i want to be my present. i so want this pregnancy to be as natural and as noninvasive as possible. i was hoping that when i went yesterday they would say i didn't have to come back but once more. but alas, that was not the case. in true doctor fashion, we were told that the sky is falling. well, not quite, but with our past experience and bit of anything but great news is really bad news.

we got there at 3:10 for our 3:15 appointment. we were seen at 4:15. we had our anatomy scan, which i really didn't want to have but after the taste of seeing that little one's possible penis the last time, i just couldn't take the not knowing. he is a boy, for sure. beyond that, it is so fascinating to watch him in there playing in my womb. he was moving all over the place for the entire 45 minute scan.

i am thinking is he bored in there? does he want out? or does he really like it and he'll stay in there for another 22 weeks. that is perfectly ok with me. the longer this pregnancy goes, the happier i will be. is he bothered by the invasion? is he trying to get away from the waves of the ultrasound? why are we peeking in on him when we know he is just fine. can't we trust the process?

i want that to be my last scan of little baby boy. i will call them on monday and tell them so. i can imagine the resistance i will get. the tone implying that i have no idea what i am talking about. that i don't care for my baby. that i am not a good mother. i've heard it before.

he looks just fine, which we knew. he has all of his limbs, which we knew. but oh no, the doc couldn't see his eye cavities so we have to go back for another scan in two weeks. no, thank you. my son has eyes. if only i could start to think on the spot with that white coat in front of me and say what i need to say. i'm working on it. that will be my lesson throughout this and my next pregnancies. aside from that, he didn't see any signs of birth defects, which i knew. but since we (here is that tone again) turned down any of the screens, he can't tell us for sure. we didn't really need to know, that's why we turned down the screens, so you didn't even have to mention it.

let me say that this doc wasn't so bad. i know it sounds like i want them all dead. but i don't. we had met with him for a consult after cooper was born. i still trusted docs then. i believed they knew it all. he was kind of stiff, i guess, at that point, but not too bad. my best friend hates him so i wasn't happy that we had to see him yesterday, but after we waited for him in his little cubby of a consult room (which feels like a little room in some basement somewhere) for another 20 minutes or so, he was friendly and apologetic enough that i was able to see past his white coat for a few minutes of the few he spent with us.

but then, here it comes, there is a, "the only thing that concerns me", which in my head is a terrifying sound. please don't say that to a mom who has lost a baby. to a mom who has held her baby in her arms for his whole life and listened to him gasp for his final breaths. don't say that to a mom who has a little marble block full of her 1 lb. 6 oz. baby boy's ashes sitting in her living room with the words "and we loved you all your life" on it. please don't say that to a dad who has the tiny hand prints of his first son tattooed over his heart along with his name and birth and death date. don't prepare us like that. if you have bad news just fucking say it. there is no need to sugar-coat for two people who have been through the worst of losses.

"your placenta is covering part of the cervix". it's long and closed and hard, which i knew, but now we have a new issue to worry about that will help pay for dr. l's fancy house and fancy car and for his wife to stay home from work with their little ones. another $15 co-pay every other week for the next god-knows how many weeks and another god-knows how many claims to the insurance company. god, i seem like i hate them, don't i? i don't. i just hate the concept that we seem to have here in this country that carrying a child is always a risk and an emergency situation.

the placenta is partially covering the cervix. no intercourse he says. is he kidding? we have not had sex since prior to the retrieval of my eggs on january 19. no way in hell i am risking an infection. joshua is more than ok with that. other than that, there is nothing to worry about, nothing they can do but monitor. and we shouldn't worry. but i can feel the worry and the fear seeping from daddy's pores. which makes me then worry about him. i am not worried about this placenta thing. it may move he says. and i am sure it will.

and more appointments. back in two weeks to see if baby boy has eyes. and to measure the cervix and to check where the placenta is. then in two more weeks again for the cervix/placenta combo. then in another two weeks for a scan to see if baby boy is affected by where the placenta is. it can cause his growth to slow down. oh, and yes, also to check the cervix and placenta. jesus. i wanted to be done with this!

i call meredith as soon as i get to the car. she says just what i knew she would say. not to worry. as long as it is partial, it will move as the uterus grows and takes the placenta along for the ride. and if it doesn't, we can't do anything about it anyway. i may bleed toward the end. we can check toward the end. and worst case scenario i end up with a c. a legitimate c. not one that comes because mom is too tired to push anymore because of all the meds she has been pumped with. not one that comes b/c doc says the baby is too big and won't fit out of the birth canal. not one that comes at 4 or 10 pm (the most common times for a c) when the doc wants to end his shift or get some damn shut-eye. a real legitimate c. but this is only if it doesn't move. and it's nothing i have to worry about for now. for now, the pregnancy is going smoothly and baby boy is strong and active. and a partial placenta previa is not a danger to my pregnancy. baby boy is just fine in there.

i did some research last night. so did daddy. it really is nothing to worry about. and that is why i turned down all the screens. all of this testing and monitoring just brings about more worries. when there is something wrong, your body knows it. you know it. i knew it the last time, i just didn't know what. and the docs were too busy or too non specialized or just too damn desensitized to believe me. and i believed them. and look where it got me.

i will call on monday to alter their plans. no need to check for eyes. and no need to check for growth. you can check my cervix because i will feel better knowing that it's still looking the way it should. and i will be happy to see that the placenta has gone where it needs to go. and joshua will be able to relax. if we do three more every other week, that will be 19w 4d, 21 w 4d, and 23 w 4d. then i think i will relax and we can enjoy the second half of the pregnancy with just mommy, daddy, baby and midwife. the way we hoped. no machines. no invasions. no worries.

and yes, we do know his name. we have known his name for four weeks now. but that is one thing we are keeping to ourselves.

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