06 May, 2009

i just want to be normal

after the decision to use a midwife was made, we realized that we would of course need a back up plan in case of a hospital transfer. so i went to the midwife (CNM) at my NEW OBs office. i had transferred to them after cooper's delivery. she seemed ok with it. but when i asked that my pregnancy records be shared with my midwife, i was told in no uncertain terms that these docs would not work on a team with a direct entry midwife. they even tried to tell me that giving birth at home in nj is illegal, which it certainly is not. so i said, "well if i arrive at the hospital in labor, what happens then?" and she said, literally word for word, "don't ask for our doctors". un-fucking-believable.

so i left and asked for a transfer of my records to my midwife and high-tailed it out of there. i sent a few informational articles to the office about the safety of homebirth and the risks of hospital deliveries. i wonder if anyone actually read it.

that same week i decided to finally mail the letter to Dr. W. she is the one who was there when my baby died but then didn't remember. i told her how it made me feel and that i would hope that in the future she would read the charts before walking into a room. she actually called me and left a really really long message full of "ums" and apologies. i felt really good about that.

so then we switched docs. my midwife suggested a home-birth friendly OB in the area. i couldn't get an appointment with her until my 18th week, though, so i had to see someone else. yes, i am high-risk, as much as i hate to admit it. i do need a bit extra. maybe for my body, or maybe for my mind, but either way, i need it.

prior to the first appointment at the new OB, we went to our first appointment with the MFM. the high-risk docs. they did an U/S, which hopefully we won't have many more of. i'd like to avoid any risk of exposure to the waves as much as possible. anyway, while we were there we accidentally saw a little penis on the screen. we (well, i) had wanted to wait until the little one popped out until we knew if it was a boy or a girl. but the picture looked just like cooper's and we figured it out. even though we had wanted to wait, we were both elated at the surprise. this surprise just came a little bit early. at least this time it was a pleasant early arrival. the doc there also made us feel pretty low-risk. she did encourage the use of the progesterone shots (17p). we are also going back this friday for a check on my cervical length. if it is ok, which i am positive that it is, as my membranes ruptured. i did not have preterm labor and i have no problem with my cervix. so i think that after friday we should be done at the high-risk docs, which feels again pretty damn good.

so back to the new OB -- dr. a -- we will just call him that and if you want you wish to assume that the "a" stands for asshole, that would be more than appropriate. i had a friend go with me for the visit b/c hubby couldn't make it. this is the same friend who also lost her baby due to prematurity a few months before i lost cooper. she was amazing. she stayed with me for the whole thing.

anyway, we waited in the waiting room for over an hour. then we waited in the little cubby of an exam room for another half hour. when dr. a came in, he proceeded to talk to me as if i had no idea what happened. as if i haven't spent more hours researching my specific situation than even he has. he was a complete dick-head. i couldn't wait to get out of there. the only reason i was there was for my 17p script. i wanted so badly to tell him that, but i had to play the game.

so i got the script written and that led to a whole new adventure. hubby would describe it as a nightmare. i guess i would, too, depending on my mood. the insurance co. counts it as a specialty med so i had to get it in the mail. in the end, it was fine. it got to me in time because of the debacle that was caused by dr. a. now let me first explain that i have two friends who have used this same shot. their husbands both gave it to them. when i had my appointment with him, i asked if hubby could give it to me. his response was' "is your husband a doctor?" what the fuck? is that what you spent all of those years in school learning -- how to stick needles in someones ass cheek?

i asked my school nurse if she could give me the shot and she said no problem. i called to cancel all the appointments that i had scheduled to get the poke. they checked with the doc who was in the office that day and she said no problem. the next day, i got a call back. dr. a had discovered the plot and wanted to squash it. he and his power trip couldn't allow some lay person to be giving out progesterone shots in the real world. shots cannot happen anywhere but in the doctors office. needless to say, hubby had poked me day and night for days on end during our IVF process with no problem. but according to dr. a, this is a difficult shot to deliver. hmmm...

i went in yesterday for the shot and to have a swab taken of cells from my crotch to make sure there was no yeast or BV developing. hubby came with this time and we waited in the waiting room for one hour and 13 minutes. i was getting more and more pissed off as the seconds ticked by. i don't understand this about doctors. why do we have to wait for them while they make hundreds of dollars? is their time more valuable than ours. no. it is not.

so i finally got into the exam room. we waited there for another 25 minutes or so. by the time the doc came into the room, i felt as if i would not be able to control my anger. i was pretty mean for the first few minutes. but then i began to lighten up. he was an older indian man with a happy demeanor.

i had asked if i could take the swab myself so that i didn't have to undress and sit there with my legs in stirrups. but of course that was a big fat no. it's just a long q-tip like thing. my midwife says that if i had gone to her for the check, she would have me do it myself. but, she is woman centered and i am her client. to the doc, pregnancy is a medical emergency and i am a patient.

so he spent a good amount of time talking to me and the hubby about the birth of cooper. he really wanted to understand what happened. he wanted to know why we left that practice. he made suggestions that made sense and helped me to understand certain things. he was talking from a very yogic perspective about everything and i really liked it. he even pondered whether or not i am high-risk. he concluded yes, but i love that he thought about it.

he checked my cervix -- long, closed and very thick. but i knew that because i can check my own cervix. he took a swab. again, which i could have done, but whatever. i liked him so i let it go. he checked the heartbeat. strong as usual. he was moving all around as the doc had to chase him with the doppler. we heard him kick the mic. he's a feisty one. much more feisty than his big brother. dr. mama (i had to say his name; i think it's spelled differently, but how appropriate) actually checked where my uterus was with his fingers and showed hubby and me. he pointed out the sounds in my womb as only my midwife has done. it was such a fresh experience.

he checked the swab under the scope...yup, yeast and bacteria. not a ton, but with my history, enough to treat. he gave me two prescriptions. once is category C, not exactly sure about the other. C means that it's a risk/benefit situation. here, risk is too high if i don't take it. i am pretty much convinced that it is the yeast and bacteria that caused my rupture. so we treat it and then we are good to go.

i am still confident that we made the right decision in using a midwife. i haven't gotten into one of her visits yet, but once you see the comparison, you'll understand why.

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