delivery; 22 and 3

josh and i spent the night in that little room. he stayed next to me all night long. i was so uncomfortable. they had hooked me up to the IV for fluids and i had to stay on my left side. i didn't drink enough. i even stayed on my back for much of the night. what was wrong with me? i was so sure everything would be fine.

around 6 the next morning, i still wasn't feeling anything. but a short half hour or so later, i began to feel a tightness. i wasn't sure if i had to poop or not. they put a monitor on me and still no contractions. then i decided to poop in a bed pan, so that hopefully i would know i wasn't contracting. i pooped, but the feeling didn't go away. they kept saying i wasn't contracting. but i knew i was.

eventually, they registered on the monitor slightly. another doc came in to stick his hand up there. i was not dilated at all and the cervix was still closed. that was a relief. they gave me something, morphine, i think, with the hopes that the uterus would relax and that contractions would stop. they didn't and they moved me to l&d.

by then, my parents were there. so was nicole. and josh's dad and patti. his mom and bill were on their way.

around 11 AM, i started to feel some real pain. i think that's when i got the fever. dr. steighner came in and said, with hands over her mouth, "i'm so sorry. we are going to have to induce." i just said, "ok." josh lost it and ran out of the room in hysteria. my mom went after him and told him not to do that and that he had to hold it together for me. i am still angry with her for that. part of why i love him so much is because he has emotions like that. i wanted everyone to be that sad with me. i didn't want people to hold it together. i wanted everyone in that hospital to feel what i was feeling.

they induced because my fever was up around 104. it was awful. later on i had an epidural. i figured why take the pain when my baby was going to die anyway? it helped a lot with the physical pain, but the emotional heartache was too much for any of us to take.

at some point, the pediatricians came in to talk to us about 22-weekers. the news was all bad. basically, we could try to be as aggressive as possible, but if he survives, he would probably have multiple handicaps. i knew immediately that i couldn't do that to cooper. he wasn't ready for any of it. he was ready to go. he had lessons to teach us.

but let me tell you, there is nothing in the world like having to decide on the spot whether or not to let your baby die. i remember saying, "is he really asking me this? do i have to decided this now?" yes. i did.

i hate that room. it was so clinical. i was tied to the bed.

throughout the day, more and more people came in to say how sorry they were and to be there for us. josh's mom and step-dad arrived. aunt susan and michael. eileen.

around 4:30 mom, dad, and aunt susan left to take care of all of the dogs. they came back around 5:15ish, just in time to learn that the baby was on his way. i remember seeing my dad's face. he was so sad. he didn't know how to help me feel better. he was holding back his tears.

i wasn't.

i had told nicole that i felt something like i had to poop. she went and got the doctor. dr. white. she checked my cervix and said, "she can push." that is when reality set in. even until then i was holding on to the hope that this little guy would somehow be ok.

they cleared the room. nicole stayed with us through it all. she cried and supported me the whole time. josh was right there holding my hand. i think i only had to push three times and the little boy was out. immediately, i asked, "is he alive?" i at least wanted to hold him while he was alive. i think that josh told me that he was and the nurse said she would clean him up and bring him back to me. hell no -- i wanted him right away. what was she thinking? he wouldn't be here that long and i wasn't about to share any of that time with her.

she placed him on my chest and we all just stared at him and loved him through our tears for his whole life, which was about ten minutes. these were the best and worst ten minutes of our lives. he made some noises. he gasped for breathe a few times, which made me fear that he was in pain. his eyes were closed. overall, he was like a little bundle of calm and peace. as soon as he was born, the room was filled with peace.

i kept apologizing to him telling him how screwed he had gotten.

and just like that, he was gone. at one point i asked the doctor if he was still alive and she said she didn't think so.

we held him for quite sometime after that. nicole went to the waiting room to tell everyone. i found out later that she had said, "he's arrived. and he has passed." i'm not sure that there could have been a more beautiful way to say it.

i wanted to keep holding him forever, but josh became uncomfortable as the baby turned cold. they took him and cleaned him up and dressed him. they brought him back. we held him longer. his grandparents came in to see him and to hold him. my dad wouldn't hold him. he couldn't handle that.

my biggest regret is that because of the epidural, i couldn't move. i couldn't give him his only bath. i couldn't dress him myself. we had the nurse take some pictures of him and then nicole took some of him with us. but we only have five pictures. another regret.

eventually they took him away to some room in the basement where all the the dead bodies were. they moved us to another room. they put a leaf on our door with a teardrop so that everyone would know that our baby had died.

we held him once more before bed. i cried all night long. seriously, all night long. it hurt so badly. i have never felt anything like that loss. i was empty. empty and it hurt. it hurt so bad.

and that's how it went down for me the last time at 22 and 3.