15 June, 2009

sitting waiting worrying

i sit. and i wait. the number of minutes i have logged while staring at my belly over the past week is just ridiculous. i just sit and stare and wait for a ripple to move across my belly. some days, he is in there moving around all day long, it seems. and all night. it seems like every time i ask him to kick me, he responds. then a couple of days go by with barely any movement. seriously. almost all day and all night i wait -- and nothing. even when i beg. even when i jump up and down. even when i drink a huge glass of cold OJ then rest on my left side for an hour waiting. nothing.

then i worry.

shit -- can i just get a day -- just ONE DAMN DAY -- without worry? without an itchy crotch? without a terrible pain in the leg? or in the shoulder? or without a cough? or a sore throat? an aching uterus? a stiff neck? runny poop (or should i say "loose stool")?

it isn't the pain that bothers me. pain that i understand and can get a hold of is just fine. i welcome it because it means that i am having a baby.

no, it's all of the fears that come along with each pain that i wish to do without. see, this is how the brain of a woman who is pregnant after a terrible loss goes through the aches and pains of life while pregnant. a woman who has read to much and listened to too many sad stories. here's how my obsessive, worrisome, hypochondriacal brain works:

the itchy crotch -- the amniotic fluid could get infected and my water could break!
the leg pain -- a blood clot!
shoulder pain -- preeclampsia!
cough -- i'm going to pop the amniotic sac!
sore throat -- it could become bronchitis and then pneumonia and i could end up in the hospital and catch some infection there and the baby could come early because of it!
an aching uterus -- my placenta is separating from the uterine wall!
a stiff neck -- meningitis!
runny poop -- preterm labor!

christ, i could go on forever. why can't i get a hold of this monkey mind? i need more meditation. more yoga. more positive affirmations. more mantras to recite.

the crazy thing is, i am still in love with being pregnant. maybe because those moments of safety are so damn rewarding. addictive. euphoric. like just a little while ago, after a staring contest with my belly, when i saw a ripple move from above my belly button all the way to my right side, i realized that YES! there is a baby tucked safely away in there who is growing stronger every day. he feels my love and the universe is supporting us both. he is here to grow with us for a long, long time.

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