we've all come a long way, baby

29 weeks tomorrow. i can't even believe it. that means only 11 more weeks until you are to term. and only 9 until we are safely able to welcome you into the world here at home. it seems like we were only 9 weeks pregnant just yesterday. and then 12. it is really going by so fast. i only have to have 8 more shots of progesterone in my bum (i am using much nicer words these days in my blog because i am writing them to you, little boy).

side track -- i'm not sure if i mentioned that we know your name. we have known it from way back when we found out you were for sure a boy. so i guess we settled on it somewhere in either week 13 or 14. we had thought about naming your brother that name, but grandpop didn't like it at the time. he does now, so we won't mention it!

anyway, what i am trying to say about all of this is that we are almost there. this very long journey towards holding you in our arms has almost ended. it started so long ago. your dad and i have both grown so much through all of it. through dealing with the loss of your brother, through months of trying unsuccessfully, through the IUIs, through IVF and through a very scary first half of this pregnancy. but now you are almost here. and now the things i am thinking about are if i have enough on my registries (aunt cole says i do not), what to call your dad's parents, since grandmom and grandpop are already taken, who will your pediatrician be, and fun things like that.

your dad is making your room better every day. he has torn off that ugly paneling that was in there. he ripped out the carpet. he took away the molding. he spackled the holes in the wall and painted the primer on. and now, your room is painted -- white up top and bright orange on the bottom. we have had your adorable bedding for so long, about a year now i guess. i can't wait to see what your room looks like in the end. i want you to know that this is all new for your daddy. he was very brave in taking on this project. he never knew how to do anything around the house before, but he has tried and done a great job so far. he still has to put up the molding and lay the floors, and paint the window frames, (and all within the next month!) but i am sure it will get done and that in the end it will be perfect. he has put all of his love into making your room a nice place for you to grow and play. (your cousins helped, too!)















and then there is aunt cole, she got to feel you move yesterday. she saw my belly thump out and ran right over to introduce herself. now i am sure that you are already very familiar with her voice, but wait until you meet her in person. she is going to love you so much and as she says, torture you. and she will...she will want to bite you and suck on your lip and all sorts of strange things. but don't be scared, she loves you already.

aunt cole and i have been through a lot together. we were friends in high school, but it wasn't until we were out of school that we became really good friends. we had lots of fun together and maybe when you are grown up we will tell you about some of those times. we lived together for a long time -- in three different homes. she is like my sister, so that's why she is your aunt.

and cole has a baby boy named nicolas who is with your brother somewhere. he was born a few months before cooper. she and i weren't talking then because mommy was stupid and she let some stupid guy before she met your wonderful daddy influence her thinking. so aunt cole had her feelings hurt and we didn't talk for a while. your mom missed her while she was gone, but we didn't see each other until mommy was in the hospital with pneumonia when i was 10 weeks pregnant with your brother. she was worried about me and your brother so she came to see me. it was brave of her.

it was only a few weeks before that that i had learned that she lost nicolas the way she did. i should have called, but i didn't think she would want to hear from me. plus, i didn't even really understand what had happened to her. i was one of those stupid people that i get so angry with these days. you know? the ones i have cursed about throughout my blog writing. the ones who get pregnant so easily and have their babies with no problems and who are oblivious to the fact that bad things can happen and that babies can die. that was me. and that's why i get so angry.

so anyhow, we started to talk again. mostly through email. we were supposed to get together on february 2, 2008 for coffee in the morning. i was going to go over to her apartment and see her and spend some time with her little boy, noah (who you will spend lots of time with). but on january 31, when my water broke i called her right after i called your daddy. she came to be with me right away. she came to be with us the next day, too, and was there when your brother was born. it was a very sad day for all of us.

so you can see why she matters so much to me. i'm sure i don't show it the way i should, but she really is one of the most special people in the world to me. she will be there when you are born, too. and your daddy and me and aunt cole will all be so happy when we get to hold you and hear you cry. and i know we will all be crying with you.

eating, sleeping, pooping

and no i am not talking about you. i am talking about me.

eating is stressing me out. i am not really hungry anymore. i mean, i get hungry, but earlier on, until about a month ago, i was famished. all. the. time. it seemed that from the minute your little embryo was implanted into my uterus, i was hungry. i ate all day long. and sometimes, i even ate during the night. i couldn't get enough food. and that lasted until about week 24 or so, i was starving. (maybe that's why i have already gained about 35 pounds and i still have 12 weeks to go.) but now, not so much. and so i forget to eat as much as i should. then i worry. i worry about your brain. i worry about you. all. the. time. but i guess that's normal. that's what mommies do.

i can't sleep. i cannot get comfortable. i even bought one of those giant stupid rip off maternity pillows. it may help a little, but i still can't sleep. now i am not a good sleeper as it is. i seem to have overcome my light-sleeping, but now i am waking up every hour or so either to pee or just because i am completely uncomfortable.

i will keep this short, in case anyone other than your dad and aunt cole ever read this -- my poop is so weird. anyone who knows me knows that i am obsessed with poop anyway, so it wouldn't really be surprising to know that i am writing about it. but every day it is different. a different color. different texture. different amount. different smell. so weird.

these are just some of the ways you have changed my life so far. other than that, i don't wear deodorant anymore (i don't want to poison you with the aluminum in there and the natural stuff makes me smell worse than i do on my own), my favorite thing to do is take a shower with your daddy so that he can talk to you and hold you in my belly. then we get into bed and he reads you a book. i could spend the rest of my life that way. i drink OJ every day. i never used to because of the sugar, but i figure you probably like the sweet taste, and plus it gives us calcium and vitamin c. oh yes, the vitamins -- prenatals, fish oil, femdophilus (twice per day), vitamin c, vitamin e, and i eat everything orange so that you will have plenty of vitamin a (beta carotene) because it is supposed to make that bag of water that you are floating in really strong. i live for every movement in my belly and i am already wondering how sad i will be when you are not in there anymore. i am so excited to meet you and hold you, but i love that we have all of this time together. i love looking at myself naked. never in my life have i said that. but i love seeing my big belly with you inside. you have changed me in so many ways already. i can't imagine what it will be like once you are here.

just when i'd forgotten

so just when i thought things were rolling along nice and easy, we got a letter from the fertility center yesterday reminding me that we are not so normal, after all. they want to know what we are going to do with our three frozen embryos...our popsicle babies. these are your possible future brothers and sisters. they would allow us to try again without your dad having to give your mom so many shots. you all would have the same date of conception! but all different birthdays. how crazy would that be?

but the other side is that we have to pay $270 per every six months of "storage", or shall i say babysitting. that means that by the time we have all of our babies, we could have spent thousands. what to do...what to do??? it sounds heartless to talk about money when i've just described these little frozen things as your future brothers and sisters.

but what if in the future we can make a baby on our own without having to go to the doctor all the time, and without having my blood drawn all the time, and without thinking so much about it? what if we store those embryos and we try again and it doesn't work -- there is a lower success rate with frozen embies than with fresh ones, like you.

we have a couple of months to decide. but i'd rather just focus on you, so i'd like to make the decision pretty quickly.

it's getting closer and closer

we had our appointment with meredith yesterday. there was a midwife's apprentice there, too. love that.

as usual, we went right in, plopped down on the comfy couch (although it was hot as you know what in there and they had only the fan on the a/c unknowingly until your dad fixed that problem. i was so hot -- which doesn't usually bother me, but i guess being nearly SEVEN MONTHS pregnant makes the temp feel a little different than usual) and talked for about 45 minutes about how i am feeling and what is going on. we talked about you moving around in there and the fact that a whole month has gone by without me having any issues. not even any fears. i've sure come a long way. even since your brother was in my belly. it always seemed like something was going wrong. but not now. now we are having some smooth sailing.

we talked mostly about the day you will be born. i can't believe this is really happening. and pretty soon. we went through the details about who will be there and for how long. we talked about how to make sure i get my rest afterwards. oh and about where the tub might be. daddy suggests having it in your room and then you can be born in your own bedroom. i think that is a very nice idea.

we also talked about finding you a pediatrician. and about circumcision. we are not going to do that to you. i think you will be pretty happy about that. your daddy has never said that we would, he is just worried that you will be teased. i think you will be strong enough to take it and that mostly no one will ever really know or care. i just don't want to inflict pain on you like that. there's no reason for it. see what you get when you have a hippie sort of mommy.

we listened to your little heart beating away with a fetoscope. daddy couldn't hear it, but he will next time because it is getting bigger and bigger. you actually kicked right into it and bumped it into meredith's head. it was pretty funny. you seem to be tempermental. so unlike your brother. he was always so calm and quiet in there. now of course, he didn't get to be as big as you are, but still, i always had the feeling that he was a peacemaker, he wasn't a fighter. you, on the other hand, i think you are a feisty one. i welcome that. i'm pretty feisty, myself.

oh yes, we also felt around and grabbed your head. sorry about that!

daddy to be

we went to visit your friend jonathan last night and he sure is a cutie. he is still so tiny and fragile, so your mom was still nervous about holding him. and it really does seem that babies know how uncomfortable and nervous i am because they always always cry when they are in my arms. i won't be nervous with you, though. holding you for the first time will be the most wonderful moment of my life.

your daddy, on the other hand, is so comfortable with babies. he knows just what to do to make them happy. you are so lucky to have him as your dad. well, i guess you already know that since you picked him. i am looking so forward to seeing him holding you and to seeing you look back at him.

inner strength

yesterday we went to a beautiful rose garden to watch our friends amy and anthony get married. everything is so much happier this year. you must have enjoyed the music because on the long ride home you were really thumping away at my insides. i felt you pushing against me so i placed my hand there and you really let me have it. so i made your daddy do the same and you whacked at him, too. you must be getting so big and so strong in there. we love you so much and are so proud of all the growing you are doing.

movin' right along

it's been a while since my last post. things are still quiet. which is nice. really really nice.

my belly is getting bigger. you seem to already have less room because i am not noticing as much bumping in the fluttery sort of way that i used to. now i feel a random kick or a punch. i used to be able to stare at my belly for minutes at a time and watch you dance around inside, but now it's just a periodic movement and i stare and i stare to no avail.

it's been 3 weeks and 1 day since our last appointment with meredith. and 3 weeks since our last appointment with anyone. that's the longest we've gone without seeing you or hearing your heartbeat. i miss hearing that sound. but it is nice that i haven't even had to call or text or email meredith about anything since we last saw her. i feel so normal again.

things are moving along nicely. your room is torn apart awaiting primer. and molding. and base board. and a chair rail. then paint. then the floor. then furniture. than the closet, which, pathetic as it may sound, i am most excited about. then all of your things -- and you already have lots of things. then we will add the most exciting thing of all. you. daddy suggested that you be born in your room. i think that sounds like a great idea.

grandmom has already bought you so many clothes, little one. she is so excited, as we all are, to have you as part of our family. your daddy's dad (we haven't decided what you will call him yet, as you will be his first grandchild) is super excited, too. he talks about you a lot. every one is so excited to meet you and to love you. it's going to be very hard for mommy to share you with all of these people. aunt cole will kill me, but i even think it will be hard to share you with her (sorry, aunt cole! love you!) i just feel like we have waited so long to hold you in our arms, i will never want to give you up.

it really has been a long time. daddy and i started to talk about raising little souls together when we first kissed. that was almost three years ago. since then, it has been quite a challenge. your brother was created a little less than a year after your daddy and i first kissed. then he was born. after he left us, it took us such a long time to create you. so much longer than we had thought it would have taken. and here we are. 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant with you. a whole month more pregnant than we ever were with your brother. we only have about 3 months left until we meet you. and we already love you so much.

all quiet on the baby front

i almost hate to say it. i hate to whisper it. i hate to think it. but all is well. and it has been well, aside from the upper respiratory infection and the cough that is still here after a month and those three separate yeast infections at weeks 17, 20 and 22. i believe that somehow the 20 and 22 infections related to the ATU visit and the internal cervical exam. at 24 i refused the internal and no infection. it could be coincidence, but so far, so good.

i am feeling the little boy moving in there pretty regularly. he is getting bigger and stronger every day. it really is the most amazing feeling in the world to know that there is a little baby human playing around in your womb.

baptism and bris

this week, little man, you attended two important events in your friends lives.

on sunday, your friend brielle had her baptism. she wore a beautiful and big white dress and seemed to be pretty clueless the whole time about what was going on. you heard people singing and praying and even though i don't believe in any of it, i am happy that you were there to hear the songs and to be amongst all of that positive energy.

and today you just got back from your friend jonathan's house. jonathan has two big sisters who died a few months after your brother did. we have a lot in common with his mommy and daddy and i hope that the two of you will be good friends. his dog is even named cooper, just like your brother! but aside from all of that, he became a part of his own tribe today, just like brielle was welcomed by hers on sunday. however, jonathan's experience was a little different. like brielle's baptism, it was a symbolic ceremony filled with prayer and song. again, i love that you are feeling all of this while you are inside of me. however, as part of the ceremony, jonathan had his circumcision done in front of all of his family and some of his friends. he screamed and cried and most of the people in the room were crying, too. his daddy was. his mommy was. all of his grandparents were. you know i was. you were kicking or punching or hiccuping. as soon as the mohel took little jonathan to the snipping table (there must be a name for it, but mommy doesn't know it), you started to wiggle. did you know what was about to happen to your very little friend?

the whole time it was happening i was imagining putting you through that and i even told your daddy right in the middle of the ceremony (loudly -- but you should get used to that in me) that i am not doing that to you. this is something you will have to help me decide. do you want it done so that you can match the boys in the locker room and so that you can look like your daddy down there? or should we just leave you alone because there really is no other reason for the snipping? i have been thinking on this for months, ever since we knew you were a boy and i think even before that, but i can;t seem to be sure of my circumcision decision. i don't want to do it. i know that. but do you want us to?

but as far as the religious ceremonies go...you will not have either of them. my hope is to have a blessing ceremony for you so that all of your friends and family can welcome you and share with you their positive vibrations. flossie will perform it. and you won't cry. and you won't wear a silky white suit. but we will be so happy and proud to introduce you to our community of people who love us and who love you.

dear baby boy

i am 25 weeks today, little one. i have decided that instead of writing to some random person in blogspace who doesn't know me, or you, or your daddy, i will write some of my letters to you. i'm going to do that today.

today i had to go buy a dress to wear to our friend anthony's wedding. i have been so excited to be able to show off my belly in a fancy party dress. when i was pregnant with your brother, i wasn't going to be able to go to any weddings. in fact, i was going to miss two weddings because he would have been a newborn. i ended up being able to go in the end, but there was a sadness about each of the days. but anyway, you will be attending a wedding next saturday. it's going to be outside in a garden, so i think we will love it.

your little friend jonathan arrived last week. he decided to come early. not as early as his twin sisters did, or as early as your brother, thank goodness, but he was early. it made your mom a little nervous. it was a reminder that you could decide to do the same. but i am just going to keep reminding you that you are to stay in my belly as long as you can. you are due to arrive on october 12, but i am shooting for the 19th, which would keep you in there 'til week 41, which is just fine with me. i just love you swimming around there in my belly and we have the rest of forever to spend together after that.

your aunt cole has been busy planning the party that will celebrate your arrival. the party will be here at our house, which is so exciting. so many people will be here to celebrate you and me. just think of all of that positive, womanly energy here in our house. it will still be here when you arrive, waiting to snuggle you in love. your mom usually hates showers. i hate to have all of the attention on me. but this time, it's all about you and i am so excited for it. i am looking forward to everyone patting my belly, imagining that they are patting you.

your cousins, christopher and dominic, are getting more excited every day to meet you. especially christopher. he always asks questions about you...about what you are doing in there. he has talked to you a few times and i hope that you will recognize his voice when you come out. your grandmom and grandpop are looking so forward to snuggling and kissing you. grandmom usually tries to hide her excitement about anything, but she has let it slip a few times.

it's summertime and your mom is feeling hot. normally, i love to be hot and sweaty, but this summer seems like it might be a little different. the a/c still hasn't gone on because i am waiting for your dad to get the leaky cracks filled around the house. but i think dad is right -- that rule is going to hurt me worse than anyone else.

speaking of your daddy...he is so excited every day to hear about you moving around in my belly. he feels you as often as he can, although it seems like sometimes you are playing tricks on him. as soon as i tell him where to put his hands, you often stop moving. almost like you are playing hide and seek.

so now i am going to go be lazy on the couch. we will be taking our yoga class with flossie tonight. i am excited to spend that time with you.

we love you so much, baby boy.

baby kicks

i can't believe how exciting it is to feel this baby move around inside of me. by far, every time he moves and i feel it, that is the highlight of my day. i imagine what he looks like in there. what he is feeling. i wake up at night and feel him moving around and i just smile uncontrollably, even in a half sleep. it is not only reassuring to know he is ok, but i feel so connected to him.

i started to feel the flutters early -- not even at 13 weeks. i continued to doubt myself, but as time went on, josh encouraged me to believe that it really was him moving around in there. then at 21 and 6, that's when i knew it was really him. and i just realized that it came at the perfect week.

i love it. i love having this little angel grow inside of my belly.

an exciting few days

we had our last appointment at the ATU today. before i had a chance to tell dr. l that i didn't t want to come back, he said i didn't have to! god, that felt great. my placenta has moved far enough away from the cervix that they feel comfortable that it will move the rest of the way by the end. the boy looks good -- size is all normal and he is just so cute. i think he looks like me -- he has my nose. (sorry, daddy.)

we took my dad with us. i actually had to force him because he is so nervous about everything. he loved it, though, just like i knew he would. it was so cute. he couldn't wait to talk to my mom about it. he was barely out of the car before he was telling her how big he is right now. go grandpop.

we went to see meredith yesterday. i just love her. no waiting again. i weigh 152...so excited! that's already 30 lbs. more than i was when i started. i have no idea where it is, unless i have reverse image disorder. all the sites say at this point i should have gained 15 lbs. but how cool is it that meredith said nothing? heartbeat was good. she heard it with a stethoscope. i tried but i couldn't...maybe next time. we chatted for an hour about diet and exercise and how my body has been feeling. when we left i saw christy and another parents-t0-be-pair and we all chatted and christy felt my belly. it's so so nice...nothing can compare to it. i hope i never have to go back to an OB. this has already been the best three grand i have ever spent. (thanks, daddy!)

my good friend at work is trying to make a baby right now. i am hoping that she is pregnant as i write this and that all goes well for her. my other good friend mb just told me today that she is 11 weeks. erica is 35 weeks and melis is 3 behind us. and i thought this baby boy wouldn't have any little friends to hang with.

and my students threw me a shower. i cannot believe the amount of gifts that they gave me. tons of clothes. toys. blankets. and a $160 gift card. amazing. they totally surprised me and planned it all on their own . there were balloons, cake, snacks, and music. it was so sweet. i just love those kids.

life is good.

17p

on tuesday of my 17th week, i started my injections of 17p -- alphahydroxy progesterone. i am now 23 weeks and josh shot me in the butt again yesterday. i have to have it injected weekly until week 36. the first week, we had it done at the docs. i think i wrote about it on here. and it was fine. it didn't hurt at all. the next couple of weeks it was fine. but the past few weeks, it has been a real pain in the ass -- literally. yesterday, the burning stuck around. it's actually still burning. typically, the process begins with some stress and aggravation on both josh's and my part. josh has to fill the vial, which takes forever because he is so careful not to make any bubbles. then we both get nervous because we are never exactly sure where to inject. every week, it's the same thing over again. once we settle on a spot, it's time for me to take a deep breath. as i said, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it stings, sometime it doesn't bother me at all. then, josh gets super worried because some of the oil leaks out. he presses on it and then applies a band-aid. i ask if it's bleeding. he usually says '"no", but there is always blood on the band-aid when i take it off in the morning. it's a load of fun, trust me. and the worst part is -- i probably don't even need them. they are used to prevent preterm labor, which typically starts with contractions. that didn't happen to me. but, i figure it's better to be safe than sorrowful.

sitting waiting worrying

i sit. and i wait. the number of minutes i have logged while staring at my belly over the past week is just ridiculous. i just sit and stare and wait for a ripple to move across my belly. some days, he is in there moving around all day long, it seems. and all night. it seems like every time i ask him to kick me, he responds. then a couple of days go by with barely any movement. seriously. almost all day and all night i wait -- and nothing. even when i beg. even when i jump up and down. even when i drink a huge glass of cold OJ then rest on my left side for an hour waiting. nothing.

then i worry.

shit -- can i just get a day -- just ONE DAMN DAY -- without worry? without an itchy crotch? without a terrible pain in the leg? or in the shoulder? or without a cough? or a sore throat? an aching uterus? a stiff neck? runny poop (or should i say "loose stool")?

it isn't the pain that bothers me. pain that i understand and can get a hold of is just fine. i welcome it because it means that i am having a baby.

no, it's all of the fears that come along with each pain that i wish to do without. see, this is how the brain of a woman who is pregnant after a terrible loss goes through the aches and pains of life while pregnant. a woman who has read to much and listened to too many sad stories. here's how my obsessive, worrisome, hypochondriacal brain works:

the itchy crotch -- the amniotic fluid could get infected and my water could break!
the leg pain -- a blood clot!
shoulder pain -- preeclampsia!
cough -- i'm going to pop the amniotic sac!
sore throat -- it could become bronchitis and then pneumonia and i could end up in the hospital and catch some infection there and the baby could come early because of it!
an aching uterus -- my placenta is separating from the uterine wall!
a stiff neck -- meningitis!
runny poop -- preterm labor!

christ, i could go on forever. why can't i get a hold of this monkey mind? i need more meditation. more yoga. more positive affirmations. more mantras to recite.

the crazy thing is, i am still in love with being pregnant. maybe because those moments of safety are so damn rewarding. addictive. euphoric. like just a little while ago, after a staring contest with my belly, when i saw a ripple move from above my belly button all the way to my right side, i realized that YES! there is a baby tucked safely away in there who is growing stronger every day. he feels my love and the universe is supporting us both. he is here to grow with us for a long, long time.

the day after

so i am now officially more pregnant than i have ever been. i am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. i am feeling a bit of relief, but i still have that fear every time i go to the bathroom that there will be blood in my panties or on the toilet paper. i have a terrible cough right now and every time it gets really bad, i fear that i will just break that balloon of water that the boy is swimming in. but still, i do feel better.

although this damn yeast infection is still here and it is still burning the shit out of my vagina. and today i wore jeans -- bad move. i can't wait to get home and change into nothing!

anyway, the good stuff. yesterday, josh and i both felt the baby kick or punch through my belly. i never imagined how exciting that would actually be. it makes it so real that there is a real baby human in there doing his thing. it's so cool how quickly this has all happened. sunday was the first i saw my belly move and then on monday josh saw it. and it's been regularly happening since then. and now we have both felt him. all in that 22nd week that i had been dreading. is he trying to tell us something? or is cooper?

or are they one in the same? i don't mean it's the same baby -- but maybe the same energy. flossie thinks that the universe just wasn't at the right vibration to hold cooper's energy last year. but she is feeling something about these '09 babies that is different. so maybe the same ball of energy that was cooper is now this baby boy. they do choose their parents, i believe, so maybe 22 weeks, 3 days and ten minutes just wasn't enough time with us.

delivery; 22 and 3

josh and i spent the night in that little room. he stayed next to me all night long. i was so uncomfortable. they had hooked me up to the IV for fluids and i had to stay on my left side. i didn't drink enough. i even stayed on my back for much of the night. what was wrong with me? i was so sure everything would be fine.

around 6 the next morning, i still wasn't feeling anything. but a short half hour or so later, i began to feel a tightness. i wasn't sure if i had to poop or not. they put a monitor on me and still no contractions. then i decided to poop in a bed pan, so that hopefully i would know i wasn't contracting. i pooped, but the feeling didn't go away. they kept saying i wasn't contracting. but i knew i was.

eventually, they registered on the monitor slightly. another doc came in to stick his hand up there. i was not dilated at all and the cervix was still closed. that was a relief. they gave me something, morphine, i think, with the hopes that the uterus would relax and that contractions would stop. they didn't and they moved me to l&d.

by then, my parents were there. so was nicole. and josh's dad and patti. his mom and bill were on their way.

around 11 AM, i started to feel some real pain. i think that's when i got the fever. dr. steighner came in and said, with hands over her mouth, "i'm so sorry. we are going to have to induce." i just said, "ok." josh lost it and ran out of the room in hysteria. my mom went after him and told him not to do that and that he had to hold it together for me. i am still angry with her for that. part of why i love him so much is because he has emotions like that. i wanted everyone to be that sad with me. i didn't want people to hold it together. i wanted everyone in that hospital to feel what i was feeling.

they induced because my fever was up around 104. it was awful. later on i had an epidural. i figured why take the pain when my baby was going to die anyway? it helped a lot with the physical pain, but the emotional heartache was too much for any of us to take.

at some point, the pediatricians came in to talk to us about 22-weekers. the news was all bad. basically, we could try to be as aggressive as possible, but if he survives, he would probably have multiple handicaps. i knew immediately that i couldn't do that to cooper. he wasn't ready for any of it. he was ready to go. he had lessons to teach us.

but let me tell you, there is nothing in the world like having to decide on the spot whether or not to let your baby die. i remember saying, "is he really asking me this? do i have to decided this now?" yes. i did.

i hate that room. it was so clinical. i was tied to the bed.

throughout the day, more and more people came in to say how sorry they were and to be there for us. josh's mom and step-dad arrived. aunt susan and michael. eileen.

around 4:30 mom, dad, and aunt susan left to take care of all of the dogs. they came back around 5:15ish, just in time to learn that the baby was on his way. i remember seeing my dad's face. he was so sad. he didn't know how to help me feel better. he was holding back his tears.

i wasn't.

i had told nicole that i felt something like i had to poop. she went and got the doctor. dr. white. she checked my cervix and said, "she can push." that is when reality set in. even until then i was holding on to the hope that this little guy would somehow be ok.

they cleared the room. nicole stayed with us through it all. she cried and supported me the whole time. josh was right there holding my hand. i think i only had to push three times and the little boy was out. immediately, i asked, "is he alive?" i at least wanted to hold him while he was alive. i think that josh told me that he was and the nurse said she would clean him up and bring him back to me. hell no -- i wanted him right away. what was she thinking? he wouldn't be here that long and i wasn't about to share any of that time with her.

she placed him on my chest and we all just stared at him and loved him through our tears for his whole life, which was about ten minutes. these were the best and worst ten minutes of our lives. he made some noises. he gasped for breathe a few times, which made me fear that he was in pain. his eyes were closed. overall, he was like a little bundle of calm and peace. as soon as he was born, the room was filled with peace.

i kept apologizing to him telling him how screwed he had gotten.

and just like that, he was gone. at one point i asked the doctor if he was still alive and she said she didn't think so.

we held him for quite sometime after that. nicole went to the waiting room to tell everyone. i found out later that she had said, "he's arrived. and he has passed." i'm not sure that there could have been a more beautiful way to say it.

i wanted to keep holding him forever, but josh became uncomfortable as the baby turned cold. they took him and cleaned him up and dressed him. they brought him back. we held him longer. his grandparents came in to see him and to hold him. my dad wouldn't hold him. he couldn't handle that.

my biggest regret is that because of the epidural, i couldn't move. i couldn't give him his only bath. i couldn't dress him myself. we had the nurse take some pictures of him and then nicole took some of him with us. but we only have five pictures. another regret.

eventually they took him away to some room in the basement where all the the dead bodies were. they moved us to another room. they put a leaf on our door with a teardrop so that everyone would know that our baby had died.

we held him once more before bed. i cried all night long. seriously, all night long. it hurt so badly. i have never felt anything like that loss. i was empty. empty and it hurt. it hurt so bad.

and that's how it went down for me the last time at 22 and 3.

22 and 2

so today i am 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant. the last time i was 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant, i woke up with a whole different feeling. i had been to the OB the night before with a yeast infection complaint -- but also with some brown spotting. dr. white said it was just a really bad infection and that's why there was blood. i asked about having the same problem the month before and she said it was too bad for a one-night treatment and that i needed a 7-night one instead this time. i didn't believe her but i didn't trust myself, so i went home and inserted the suppository she had prescribed.

i woke up the next morning, january 31, 2008 and put on a panty liner as i knew from previous experiences with treating yeast infections that i would be leaking all day long. and that was what happened. all day long i was leaking. more than normal, but i didn't think it was a huge deal. i just kept changing pantie liners.

i was sitting in my wheelie chair at the front of my room, because i knew i was freaked out a little about something. i took it easy most of the day. the bell rang to end 6th period -- it was 1:26 PM. i felt a huge gush of fluid. i looked down to see that my pants were soaked. i ran to the restroom to see what the hell was going on. just clear fluid. what the hell was i thinking? how could i not have gone directly to the doctor? i haven't worn those pants at all this pregnancy. they were the grey ones i had gotten from gap maternity. i haven't even used that same stall in the restroom since then.

so what did i do? i went home. my 7th period is my free period. i went home. i changed my clothes. i threw the pants in the laundry. i went back to school to teach my last class. i did try to call the doc on my way home, but it was ringing and ringing so i just figured i would call after school. moron.

i went down to the cafeteria at the end of the day to see josh. he was getting ready to leave for a wrestling match in east-bumble-you-know-what. i cried when i told him what happened, but assured him that i was fine. the crazy thing is that i believed that.

i went home and freaked out on lexis (my sweet dog) who had pooped on the floor because she was so nervous about what was happening to me. i went into our storage closet and moved boxes around to get to her crate. i moved heavy shit after my water had broken. moron. i went to the bathroom and there was some blood on the toilet paper. i called the doc and they said, "come in right away". that's when i knew there was a problem. that's when i was convinced. i guess i had been in denial.

but honestly, i still thought everything would be ok.

i called my mom to take me to the doc. we sat in traffic. i was so nervous. she was, too, but she did a great job of trying to keep me calm. we got there and they took me right in. another sign that i was in real trouble.

dr. swift checked me out with an internal. she said she would be right back and when she returned she brought in the ultrasound machine. she looked and i saw little cooper in there moving around. to me, he looked ok and i was relieved. she sat me up and said, "ok. this has nothing to do with the medication you took yesterday. your water broke." and i said, "what does that mean?" i mean, i knew technically what it meant, but i wanted to know if my baby would be ok. and she said, "well, sometimes we can keep you pregnant for a long time. you need to go right to the hospital."

i ran out of the room with my shoes half on and yelled to my mom that we had to go to the hospital. i was crying and spazzing out. she asked "why? why?" and i yelled at her to just come on. the woman yelled for me to check out and i basically told her to fuck off. i forgot my jacket.

we got into the car and i called josh, who luckily for once had his cell on. i told him through my hysteria what had happened. he said, ok, i will be there. now remember, he was at a wrestling meet a half hour away and had taken a bus to get there. later i found out that he had one of the fathers drive him. he said that on their way out of the school, the man offered him congratulations and josh said, "no. this isn't good . she is only 22 weeks pregnant." apparently, they both then broke into a sprint.

back at the hospital, i was checked again internally by another doctor who said that first we had to hope that i would make it 24 hours without going into labor. then we would hope for a week. then every day after that would get him closer to viability. was this really happening? i remember telling him that the baby was head down and he said that was a good thing. still i was clueless and asked him why. he said, "in case we have to deliver." OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

i called nicole who rushed right over. josh's dad got there soon after. and then josh. he was crying and scared. i wasn't crying anymore. i was just scared.

they checked for contractions. nothing. they moved me to a room. i was convinced that i would be in the hospital for a long, long time. i was sure that the baby was not coming any time soon, and that once he did we would spend months in the NICU. i called my principal and told her that i might not be back at all that year. stupid girl.

that was how it went down for me at 22 weeks and 2 days.

yoga...just breathe

so i went to take a class with flossie at the yoga center of medford last night. she is a complete angel. flossie performed our marriage ceremony, for those of you who were at the wedding. now, i've been practicing yoga during this pregnancy both at home and in a class through the hospital. the hospital class takes place at destination maternity -- retail heaven for pregnant chicks. the room has mirrors -- yucky for yoga! and most chicks walk in with their shoes on. i've even seen a few step right on their mats with their shoes. ugh! you can hear the music pumping outside the room -- you know, the music that gets you in the mood to spend spend spend! which, of course, i have many of the times i have gone there for class. the instructor is kind and means well, but she has given advice about pregnancy a few times that makes me want to scream. for example, she talked to us about the importance of fetal monitoring, which i believe, is not necessary. she went on and on and i kept my mouth shut because i just wasn't in the mood for a conflict. anyway, flossie's class left me feeling uplifted. it left me with a sense of peace and of trust in my body and the universe.

i'm not going to go back to the ATU. i'm a normal mommy-to-be who happens to get a lot of yeast infections. that's it. last time, whatever happened is under control now. i am doing all i can that makes sense. progesterone shots weekly. screening for BV. and most importantly, paying close attention to my body. i'm fine.

and teh great news is that now i am feeling the boy move around in there more consistently and more definitively. yesterday in the car on the way to yoga, josh even got to see my tummy move because baby boy was tossing and turning in there. he is here to stay. we'll see him in october.

moving right along

i am 22 weeks today -- looking forward to making it safely through this week and then hopefully i will start to get some of my sanity back.

the yeast has invaded again and i am convinced that when i get the internal exams at the ATU they are putting some extra yeast up there. and i felt the itch pretty soon after the exam. i am considering not going back there. if anything i will go out of curiosity for the U/S. even though i want to avoid invading his space, i just love seeing him safely tucked away in there.

did i ever mention how much better it is to have a midwife than an OB? i sent meredith an email yesterday about all of the craziness going on -- the yeast, the hardly happening movement, the leg pain, the decision about the fFN test -- yes it was a long email. so she called me yesterday evening, from her bed with a fever, and we discussed it all. i can't believe anyone would choose to use a doc when they have this option available. i guess it's fear. but i am not sure how many moms are more fearful than i am, and this is the only road i will ever choose for having my babies.

and on another thrilling note -- i felt him kicking super hard yesterday and looked down at my belly and I SAW IT MOVE! it was so exciting. that was when reality set in. i can't wait for that to happen again.

cooper's due date

today is the day our first son was supposed to be born. right now we would have been planning a one-year-old birthday party. but instead, this morning, i was at the ATU bright and early at 7:20 AM to have my cervix measured.

we saw the baby boy again. it's amazing the difference two weeks can make.

it's also amazing the difference one year and four months can make. it was january 31and we had been to the doc for a follow-up U/S. i had been spotting. but no one seemed worried. the next day my water broke. and the day after that, cooper was born. nearly 18 weeks too soon.

so i am looking at this little baby on the screen. immediately i saw his heart beating. and i saw him just chillin' out in there. which he has never done for an U/S before. so i became secretly terrified. morbid thoughts began to race through my brain. why isn't he moving? what happened? what's wrong with him? is he dead?

and this was all in the course of about 20 seconds. while i could see his heart beating. oh, the insanity. fear is a powerful emotion.

so my cervix is still long. the placenta is not covering the cervix, but it is still low-lying. if it were in that position at the point of delivery, i would need a C. but it has 18 weeks to move and i am positive that it will go where it needs to go.

now the next decision is whether or not to have the fFN test done. fetal fibronectin is basically a glue that holds the baby in place. the fFN test can tell us either that i have a chance (30% or so) of going into labor within two weeks or that there is a 99.2% chance that i won't. so the question is, do i have this invasive test, which involves taking a swipe around and under the cervix, done in order to gain two weeks of peace of mind? because it could also cause me two weeks of terror. however, if it comes up positive, they would take every precaution they could to keep the little guy safe in my uterus. decisions decisions.

must be nice when the biggest decision is "what color should we paint the baby's room?"