tonight you just wouldn't settle down to sleep. you nursed. you switched sides. nursed again. cried for daddy. he came to lie down next to you. you nursed again. daddy snuck away. you switched sides. i asked if you wanted to "rock rock" and you said yes, reached out your arms to signal that you wanted to be picked up, and then moved your arm back and forth pantomiming me vacuuming. this means you want me to hold you over my shoulder, hum 'all you need is love', and vacuum the bedroom. you fall asleep within seconds. i turn off the vacuum and lay you down on the bed. sometimes you roll to your side and drift right back to sleep while i gently rub your back. but most times you say 'milky' and i nurse you back to sleep. then i eventually sneak away. sometimes it takes longer than other times.
tonight while i was waiting to sneak away, i was thinking back to one particular walk when you were about six weeks old. it was a gorgeous fall day. you had been awak all day. which was normal. you never slept during the day. so this day i stuck you in the moby wrap and stuck it out through your protests and walked the neighborhood until you finally fell asleep. you had done that before but it would usually only last seconds. this time you slept for a long time. i braved it and came in the house. you stayed asleep through the door being opened and closed. i slowly lay down on the living room couch and you stayed asleep, all tucked in. you slept a while. i think i may have even slept. until i felt pee all over me and you were screaming.
back then your cries ran through me like someone was pumping acid through my veins. i reacted with every sense of my being. i couldn't cope with your crying. i had no idea what you were ever trying to tell me.
but these days, you so rarely have to cry to let me know what you need. we have gotten into such a groove. i understand your body movements, the words that maybe no one else can decipher, the looks on your face that can communicate just about anything.
i never imagined back then on that gorgeous fall day that we would get along so well. the moment i saw that little bubble that contained the embryo that contained everything you would become, i fell in love with you. from the moment you were conceived, even before that, i have done everything in my power to protect you and to help you to be the strongest and the healthiest and most loved little human you could be.
but yet, in the beginning, i didn't like you too much. i was terrified of you. i was terrified of not being able to calm you, of not knowing what you needed, what you were telling me. when you did sleep i would literally hold my breath so i wouldn't wake you. i didn't know how to keep you happy. and that was new for me. i had always known how to keep people happy (when i wanted to, that is). but you were different. i had no control over you. again. new. those first few months, i was afraid.
but these days, i love you just as much as i ever did. maybe even more. but even more that that, i like you. a lot. you are super cool and you make me laugh all the time. i love watching you decipher your world and explore every inch of it. you fascinate me just by being you.
and now i can sense that although i understand you differently now, it was that same personality in that little bitty baby body that i was so afraid of. i just hadn't figured you out yet. back then, i had no idea how much i'd like you.
12 June, 2011
05 June, 2011
who i am today
dear cooper
yesterday was your due date. you would have been three. three years old. and likely there would have been no mason. and i would have been a whole different person. i would not be who i am today.
i carried you inside of me for just over half of a term pregnancy. i held you in my arms for only ten minutes. but no other person in this world has ever had quite the impact you have had on me.
your birth changed me. forever.
over these three years i have pissed people off. i have lost friends. i have been mean. i have wished for bad things to happen to good people. i have begrudged people of their happiness. i have felt hate. and anger. and jealousy. and sadness. and despair. and hopelessness.
but i have also learned so much about love. and life. and yes it sounds cliche. but it's true. i have made new and wonderful friends. i have strengthened bonds with old friends. i have watched your big cousins grow up and admired their dad as he learns more every day about being their dad. i have had people thank me for talking so openly about you. i have had people thank me for pissing people off because along the way they have learned something they might not otherwise have known and their lives have changed because of it. i have had people tell me that people i don't even know have been affected by me and my ramblings. i have facilitated as sixth grade students raised thousands and thousands of dollars in your name. and then walked five miles in your honor. and in honor of brothers and sisters they have lost that their parents only told them about once they heard about you.
all of those people who have thanked me or encouraged me, they have you to thank, little baby boy, not me.
i am honored that you chose me.
you weighed one pound and six ounces. you lived for about 600 seconds.
you changed me. you changed others. you have changed a little piece of the world in a way that i could never have dreamed.
i remember thinking, before meeting you, that once i had babies i wouldn't let that change me. you would fit into my life and i would go on living as i had always done, but with you by my side. i would go back to work, of course. i would still go out with my friends. i would continue living my life. you would fit into it.
but after you were here and then left so quickly, my whole focus changed. my life changed, so the life you would have had to fit into no longer existed. so once your brother was born, he met a whole different mom from the one you knew.
today i am consumed by motherhood. it is who i am. i do not mourn the loss of that other woman. or of her life. i do not feel the need to hold on to something that no longer is. this is me now. i am your mother. i am mason's mother. it's what i do. and it's what i do best. it's what i love to do. what i live to do.
so thank you again, baby boy. thank you for choosing me as your mother. i only hope that we can meet again in this lifetime. i hope you are still hanging around waiting to be held again in my arms. and know that if you are, if you choose to come back to me, you will meet a whole new mom but feel that same love again. only this time i'll be crying tears of happiness.
yesterday was your due date. you would have been three. three years old. and likely there would have been no mason. and i would have been a whole different person. i would not be who i am today.
i carried you inside of me for just over half of a term pregnancy. i held you in my arms for only ten minutes. but no other person in this world has ever had quite the impact you have had on me.
your birth changed me. forever.
over these three years i have pissed people off. i have lost friends. i have been mean. i have wished for bad things to happen to good people. i have begrudged people of their happiness. i have felt hate. and anger. and jealousy. and sadness. and despair. and hopelessness.
but i have also learned so much about love. and life. and yes it sounds cliche. but it's true. i have made new and wonderful friends. i have strengthened bonds with old friends. i have watched your big cousins grow up and admired their dad as he learns more every day about being their dad. i have had people thank me for talking so openly about you. i have had people thank me for pissing people off because along the way they have learned something they might not otherwise have known and their lives have changed because of it. i have had people tell me that people i don't even know have been affected by me and my ramblings. i have facilitated as sixth grade students raised thousands and thousands of dollars in your name. and then walked five miles in your honor. and in honor of brothers and sisters they have lost that their parents only told them about once they heard about you.
all of those people who have thanked me or encouraged me, they have you to thank, little baby boy, not me.
i am honored that you chose me.
you weighed one pound and six ounces. you lived for about 600 seconds.
you changed me. you changed others. you have changed a little piece of the world in a way that i could never have dreamed.
i remember thinking, before meeting you, that once i had babies i wouldn't let that change me. you would fit into my life and i would go on living as i had always done, but with you by my side. i would go back to work, of course. i would still go out with my friends. i would continue living my life. you would fit into it.
but after you were here and then left so quickly, my whole focus changed. my life changed, so the life you would have had to fit into no longer existed. so once your brother was born, he met a whole different mom from the one you knew.
today i am consumed by motherhood. it is who i am. i do not mourn the loss of that other woman. or of her life. i do not feel the need to hold on to something that no longer is. this is me now. i am your mother. i am mason's mother. it's what i do. and it's what i do best. it's what i love to do. what i live to do.
so thank you again, baby boy. thank you for choosing me as your mother. i only hope that we can meet again in this lifetime. i hope you are still hanging around waiting to be held again in my arms. and know that if you are, if you choose to come back to me, you will meet a whole new mom but feel that same love again. only this time i'll be crying tears of happiness.
23 May, 2011
growing up
kid, you are growing up so fast. i realized the other day that you've been walking on your own for almost a year now. that is just so hard to believe. it seems like yesterday that you were demanding to walk around everywhere while i held onto your hands. it seems like that went on forever. it seems like yesterday when you stood up and held onto the couch all by yourself at your baby blessing celebration.
you were so ready to do things on your own from the beginning. i often wonder if that's what you were so pissed off about. you came out with this frustration that you just couldn't seem to get a hold of. and then when i couldn't get a hold of it either, it just seemed to escalate.
but as time went on, with every new skill you learned, it seemed that a little of the frustration disappeared.
a couple of weeks ago you grabbed my glass full of water and picked it up. i ran over to grab it from you as i imagined it falling and breaking all over your little toes. but before i got there you put it to your mouth, took a nice long drink, and put the glass back on the table. you did it so carefully. without even a dribble coming out of your mouth. i forget sometimes that you are growing up.
we were out the other day at the store. i forget what it was that we even bought, but as i paid i said my usual thank you to the cashier. when we got in the car and you saw whatever it was, you said "thank you" and did the sign at the same time. you kept doing it every time you saw that thing. we got you a fish. and on your own when we were looking at it together the next morning, you looked at me and said, "thank you" all by yourself. it wasn't the words that got me, it aws the look in your eyes. it was like you were thanking me for more than just the fish. it was the coolest thing i ever saw. well, that morning, anyway.
you have been saying thank you for so months now. i am always so amazed by it because i have never told you to say thank you. you just say it because you are soaking everything up that you see. you learn every day all the time without any effort on either of our parts. i never even taught you the sign for thank you. maren does it with jaren and you have seen her do it. you copy everyone around you.
last week you came up to me and said' "off". and when my face asked you "what off?" you pointed to your diaper and said "off. poop." i nearly pooped my own pants with surprise. for months you have been telling me when you pee -- since i leave your diaper off so often at home you are often telling me you have peed on the floor -- but i just figured that was because your diaper was off and it was easy for you to recognize it. but here you are, getting to be a big boy, telling me that you pooped. it's only been a week or so but i can't believe how much easier it is for both of us. i don't have to annoy you by asking you and checking your butt. you just tell me. i can only imagine how good that makes you feel to understand what is happening in our body and to be able to tell me about it. and also i guess to know that it's normal.
these days when you are tired you tell me, "up" and point towards our bed. if you want to nurse you say "milky" and show me where i should sit. you can tell me if you want a snack and point to the exact thing you want. if you fall and get hurt you can show me where it hurts and what did it to you. you make up your own signs for words you can't say. you have always been a communicator, from the moment you were pulled form my belly, but it makes it so much easier and so much more fun now that you can communicate with your words and with clear body language.
it must be so hard to be a baby. even with a mom who responds within seconds to your cries or requests, there have obviously been so many times when i couldn't understand what it was you needed, or now as you are getting older, what you wanted. when you were a tiny baby and you couldn't speak, or walk, or even sit up by yourself, you must have felt so much frustration with your world and even with the people who love you.
it was really hard for you to be a baby. and it was really hard for me when you were a baby. but now you are growing up becoming a big boy. we have figured each other out. and together we're trying to figure out the world. and it won't be long before you are eight. and then nine like your cousins. it happens so fast. it seems like just yesterday that they were running around learning about being "civilized" just like you are now. and now they are big and are sometimes just too cool to hang with your goofy mom. and that will be you someday. someday too soon.
so for now, i am going to spend every minute i can watching with wonder as you are growing up right in front of me.
you were so ready to do things on your own from the beginning. i often wonder if that's what you were so pissed off about. you came out with this frustration that you just couldn't seem to get a hold of. and then when i couldn't get a hold of it either, it just seemed to escalate.
but as time went on, with every new skill you learned, it seemed that a little of the frustration disappeared.
a couple of weeks ago you grabbed my glass full of water and picked it up. i ran over to grab it from you as i imagined it falling and breaking all over your little toes. but before i got there you put it to your mouth, took a nice long drink, and put the glass back on the table. you did it so carefully. without even a dribble coming out of your mouth. i forget sometimes that you are growing up.
we were out the other day at the store. i forget what it was that we even bought, but as i paid i said my usual thank you to the cashier. when we got in the car and you saw whatever it was, you said "thank you" and did the sign at the same time. you kept doing it every time you saw that thing. we got you a fish. and on your own when we were looking at it together the next morning, you looked at me and said, "thank you" all by yourself. it wasn't the words that got me, it aws the look in your eyes. it was like you were thanking me for more than just the fish. it was the coolest thing i ever saw. well, that morning, anyway.
you have been saying thank you for so months now. i am always so amazed by it because i have never told you to say thank you. you just say it because you are soaking everything up that you see. you learn every day all the time without any effort on either of our parts. i never even taught you the sign for thank you. maren does it with jaren and you have seen her do it. you copy everyone around you.
last week you came up to me and said' "off". and when my face asked you "what off?" you pointed to your diaper and said "off. poop." i nearly pooped my own pants with surprise. for months you have been telling me when you pee -- since i leave your diaper off so often at home you are often telling me you have peed on the floor -- but i just figured that was because your diaper was off and it was easy for you to recognize it. but here you are, getting to be a big boy, telling me that you pooped. it's only been a week or so but i can't believe how much easier it is for both of us. i don't have to annoy you by asking you and checking your butt. you just tell me. i can only imagine how good that makes you feel to understand what is happening in our body and to be able to tell me about it. and also i guess to know that it's normal.
these days when you are tired you tell me, "up" and point towards our bed. if you want to nurse you say "milky" and show me where i should sit. you can tell me if you want a snack and point to the exact thing you want. if you fall and get hurt you can show me where it hurts and what did it to you. you make up your own signs for words you can't say. you have always been a communicator, from the moment you were pulled form my belly, but it makes it so much easier and so much more fun now that you can communicate with your words and with clear body language.
it must be so hard to be a baby. even with a mom who responds within seconds to your cries or requests, there have obviously been so many times when i couldn't understand what it was you needed, or now as you are getting older, what you wanted. when you were a tiny baby and you couldn't speak, or walk, or even sit up by yourself, you must have felt so much frustration with your world and even with the people who love you.
it was really hard for you to be a baby. and it was really hard for me when you were a baby. but now you are growing up becoming a big boy. we have figured each other out. and together we're trying to figure out the world. and it won't be long before you are eight. and then nine like your cousins. it happens so fast. it seems like just yesterday that they were running around learning about being "civilized" just like you are now. and now they are big and are sometimes just too cool to hang with your goofy mom. and that will be you someday. someday too soon.
so for now, i am going to spend every minute i can watching with wonder as you are growing up right in front of me.
18 May, 2011
attachment to the way other people do it
i have had a really difficult time with motherhood. not with the actual mothering part, but with accepting that all people are different and have different stories, and that no matter what, if a baby is loved, in the end he will be ok. i have had a hard time letting go of my need for others to parent their babies the way i parent you. because hey, i parent you the way i do because i believe that it's the right way to parent. many people say there is no right way, but i think there is. and i think that if everyone was honest, they think their way is right, too. otherwise, why would they parent that way? and maybe some good-hearted open and accepting people will say that there is a right way for each family. or for each child. or for each mother. yes, that's true, but there are just some big things that i believe are right.
1. i believe that we should all try to breastfeed our babies. that we should all become educated and take responsibility for learning how to do it. we live in a culture and time when breastfeeding is not the norm. many of us have never seen it done. but we need to prepare. to learn. to seek support. because it is best for our babies. and it's good for us. and for the earth. we need to give it our best shot. yes, there are people who have been abused and cannot even imagine putting a baby to their breast. there are people who have traumatic birth experiences and this affects their breastfeeding relationship. there are a whole slew of booby traps that can get in the way. but i believe it is our responsibility to try our best to figure it out. we all do the best we can with the knowledge that we have, i know this. and babies who are not breastfed will be just fine. they will be ok. they will thrive ( at least in this country). as long as a baby loved and fed with love, that baby will grow up and know how to show love. but i still believe that we should try our best. how can anyone feel guilt or make anyone feel guilt for giving it their best? i cannot understand a mother who simply refuses to try. and i guess it's not my job to understand. it's not my job to even accept it. it's her journey and she has her reasons. what business is it of mine?
2. i believe that hospital circumcision is wrong. this is just my belief. and i will do my best to urge people to choose to leave their sons intact. i believe it hurts and that it's a shitty way to introduce baby to the world. the mainstream world does not put the information out there about the risks of circumcision. they don't tell us that it is not necessary. they don't show the videos of the babies having it done to them. i encourage friends to at least wait a week or maybe even six months until bonding and breastfeeding are established until they have it done if they choose to have it done for whatever reason. at least then baby has learned to trust his mom. but when it's done in the hospital it is painful and done within a day of being on the planet. that sucks. i don't believe that anyone should feel guilty for their decision to do it. however, if you do it to your son after knowing 100% how the procedure is done and that it is not necessary, i just can't understand it. it makes my heart and my belly hurt. and again, i guess it's not my job to understand it. it's none of my business i guess, what someone else does to their sons genitals. and i can still love you if you do it. but in the end, i do think this is something that in the future people will look back and be very shocked to know that we as a culture did this to our babies for so long. and i know way too many moms who did have it done, and feel sad about it afterwards, so i will never shut up about why it isn't necessary.
3. i believe it's wrong to have a baby and to leave it in a container all day long. i don't think strollers or swings or cribs or or infant car seats used outside of the car are the devil. these things all serve a purpose and can be super helpful if your baby likes them. i just think it's wrong to stick your baby in a container and to ignore it all the time, no matter what. of course some women suffer from post-partum depression or are single moms or are sick and have no help from family and need to use these things. but i think it's wrong to leave a poor baby strapped into some container and to essentially ignore it for hours on end. babies are born with a need to be held and to bond with the people who love them. so when you can, i think you should hold your baby. not carry it or push it around in some apparatus all the time.
4. i think it is wrong and harmful to let your baby cry alone in order to teach him how to sleep. i can't imagine if i were crying and the person i loved just closed the door, left the room and said, "figure it out". there may come a time when the baby is older that you decide to let your baby cry for a few minutes until he falls asleep. ok, you know your baby and if he is ready. you may get to the point where youjust cannot function anymore, but i really believe there are other options. they just take longer than the three days or so that you would have to endure your baby's screams. 'the no cry sleep solution' is full of ideas. or you can just keep the baby in bed. or you can let dad hold the baby until he falls asleep and let dad put him down. there are so many different things you can try. and if you do let your baby cio in the end because you truly believe in your heart that it's best for your baby and it's what he or she needs, i can even understand that. your baby will still love you in the morning. but i just wish that sleep were not such a hot topic in our culture and that i would not have to hear about the poor little things crying alone.
5. i think it is wrong to hurt your child in any way. i cannot accept someone hitting their child. telling them to shut up. calling them names. i can accept that it happens and that people do it because they are doing their best at this time. but i cannot accept it in my life. so if someone treats their child in this way, i cannot be their friend. especially if they do it in front of my kid. it's not that i am trying to shelter him from the world, but i don't want you to know that i would choose people who do that kind of thing to their kid to be a part of our lives.
most of this post is therapy for me. i have to realize that all of these babies, as long as they are shown love, will be ok. and that i am not right. i am right for me and for you at this time. there is no right. there just is what we do. and what we learn. and how we change. but in the end, can i accept it? i have had a really hard time holding on to friendships in which someone makes choices different from mine. i guess i feel like i am in a constant state of defending my non-conventional choices and that instead of kindly explaining to them my reasons like i do, i really just want to tell them all of the things i just wrote about. maybe after this post i will have even less friends. but it's something i am learning to be ok with.
there are a lot of things i do that are not mainstream. i don't vaccinate. i use cloth diapers. i spend more money on feeding you and us whole and real foods than i can probably afford. i have used a stroller maybe five times with you. i never owned an infant car seat for you. you are intact. you sleep with us in our bed. i plan to nurse you until you are no longer interested in nursing (or until i can distract you enough that you are no longer interested). i take you to a chiropractor and a naturopath when you are sick instead of to the pediatrician. i let your fevers run their course. you don't drink cows milk. i will never take you to the animal circus. i plan to home educate you. but i don't always take the alternative route. i turned your car seat around at 14 months even though i knew i wanted to leave you rear facing for as long as possible. i give you ice cream. i have tons of toys for you to play with -- the plastic light up kind and everything. ok, so i guess i am pretty unconventional since that's all i can thnk of, but i don't think everyone should do all of these things. i don't think people who do them are bad. well, most of the time. but those things i wrote about above i have a really hard time with. if someone does one of those things, unless it's the last one, of course i can be their friend, if they still want me to be. if you do a couple or a few of them, i can still be your friend. if you do all of them, other than abuse your child, i can be your friend. but i still don't understand it. and i can't just let it go. i always think about it. i am not sure why. maybe it's because i think you think i am wrong if you don't do it the way i do -- a throw-back to the way i was always made to feel wrong when i was a kid. maybe it's my controlling personality. maybe it's because i tend to personify babies way too much and i feel like i can see from their eyes. maybe because if a person is making decisions that i would never accept in myself, i just can't understand it. i am trying really hard to understand why this lesson is so hard for me to learn. why am i so attached to the way other people are mothering their babies and children? i know that everyone has a story. everyone has a path. everyone has their lessons. i also believe that all little souls choose their parents, so they know what they are getting into. i am the same way about women and the way they choose to birth their babies. i just want everyone to have their best birth. deep down i can feel it. but i know thta what's best for me is not best for everyone. i don't think everyone whould have their babies at home. but i am so attached to women having their babies vaginally, naturally, without being induced, even though i delivered cooper with an epidural and you via cesarean. what is it? what is going on in my head that keeps me so attached to these things. i need a nice long talk with flossie, my teacher. i need to get back into my yoga practice. i need to sit. to meditate. i need to figure this out. i am losing friends and making people hate me. and i hate to be hated. and i guess i am reaaly lucky to have all this time on my hands to focus on things that don't affect my own life. i am lucky everyone i love and care for is healthy. that i can afford to live in a nice house in a nice place and stay home and have food on the table. someday, i will be too busy to notice or to care what others are doing. i guess i just hope that in the end the world is a better place for you and your kids. and i guess i believe the world will only get better if the babies and kids are shown better. i don't know. i am sure some people will read this and think i am self-righteous. that i have issues. that i am an asshole. i'm not even sure if i should publish this post. but i guess in the end, voicing our thoughts ans differences can be painful, but it can also lead to understanding. so here's hoping to a positive reaction...at least in the long run.
1. i believe that we should all try to breastfeed our babies. that we should all become educated and take responsibility for learning how to do it. we live in a culture and time when breastfeeding is not the norm. many of us have never seen it done. but we need to prepare. to learn. to seek support. because it is best for our babies. and it's good for us. and for the earth. we need to give it our best shot. yes, there are people who have been abused and cannot even imagine putting a baby to their breast. there are people who have traumatic birth experiences and this affects their breastfeeding relationship. there are a whole slew of booby traps that can get in the way. but i believe it is our responsibility to try our best to figure it out. we all do the best we can with the knowledge that we have, i know this. and babies who are not breastfed will be just fine. they will be ok. they will thrive ( at least in this country). as long as a baby loved and fed with love, that baby will grow up and know how to show love. but i still believe that we should try our best. how can anyone feel guilt or make anyone feel guilt for giving it their best? i cannot understand a mother who simply refuses to try. and i guess it's not my job to understand. it's not my job to even accept it. it's her journey and she has her reasons. what business is it of mine?
2. i believe that hospital circumcision is wrong. this is just my belief. and i will do my best to urge people to choose to leave their sons intact. i believe it hurts and that it's a shitty way to introduce baby to the world. the mainstream world does not put the information out there about the risks of circumcision. they don't tell us that it is not necessary. they don't show the videos of the babies having it done to them. i encourage friends to at least wait a week or maybe even six months until bonding and breastfeeding are established until they have it done if they choose to have it done for whatever reason. at least then baby has learned to trust his mom. but when it's done in the hospital it is painful and done within a day of being on the planet. that sucks. i don't believe that anyone should feel guilty for their decision to do it. however, if you do it to your son after knowing 100% how the procedure is done and that it is not necessary, i just can't understand it. it makes my heart and my belly hurt. and again, i guess it's not my job to understand it. it's none of my business i guess, what someone else does to their sons genitals. and i can still love you if you do it. but in the end, i do think this is something that in the future people will look back and be very shocked to know that we as a culture did this to our babies for so long. and i know way too many moms who did have it done, and feel sad about it afterwards, so i will never shut up about why it isn't necessary.
3. i believe it's wrong to have a baby and to leave it in a container all day long. i don't think strollers or swings or cribs or or infant car seats used outside of the car are the devil. these things all serve a purpose and can be super helpful if your baby likes them. i just think it's wrong to stick your baby in a container and to ignore it all the time, no matter what. of course some women suffer from post-partum depression or are single moms or are sick and have no help from family and need to use these things. but i think it's wrong to leave a poor baby strapped into some container and to essentially ignore it for hours on end. babies are born with a need to be held and to bond with the people who love them. so when you can, i think you should hold your baby. not carry it or push it around in some apparatus all the time.
4. i think it is wrong and harmful to let your baby cry alone in order to teach him how to sleep. i can't imagine if i were crying and the person i loved just closed the door, left the room and said, "figure it out". there may come a time when the baby is older that you decide to let your baby cry for a few minutes until he falls asleep. ok, you know your baby and if he is ready. you may get to the point where youjust cannot function anymore, but i really believe there are other options. they just take longer than the three days or so that you would have to endure your baby's screams. 'the no cry sleep solution' is full of ideas. or you can just keep the baby in bed. or you can let dad hold the baby until he falls asleep and let dad put him down. there are so many different things you can try. and if you do let your baby cio in the end because you truly believe in your heart that it's best for your baby and it's what he or she needs, i can even understand that. your baby will still love you in the morning. but i just wish that sleep were not such a hot topic in our culture and that i would not have to hear about the poor little things crying alone.
5. i think it is wrong to hurt your child in any way. i cannot accept someone hitting their child. telling them to shut up. calling them names. i can accept that it happens and that people do it because they are doing their best at this time. but i cannot accept it in my life. so if someone treats their child in this way, i cannot be their friend. especially if they do it in front of my kid. it's not that i am trying to shelter him from the world, but i don't want you to know that i would choose people who do that kind of thing to their kid to be a part of our lives.
most of this post is therapy for me. i have to realize that all of these babies, as long as they are shown love, will be ok. and that i am not right. i am right for me and for you at this time. there is no right. there just is what we do. and what we learn. and how we change. but in the end, can i accept it? i have had a really hard time holding on to friendships in which someone makes choices different from mine. i guess i feel like i am in a constant state of defending my non-conventional choices and that instead of kindly explaining to them my reasons like i do, i really just want to tell them all of the things i just wrote about. maybe after this post i will have even less friends. but it's something i am learning to be ok with.
there are a lot of things i do that are not mainstream. i don't vaccinate. i use cloth diapers. i spend more money on feeding you and us whole and real foods than i can probably afford. i have used a stroller maybe five times with you. i never owned an infant car seat for you. you are intact. you sleep with us in our bed. i plan to nurse you until you are no longer interested in nursing (or until i can distract you enough that you are no longer interested). i take you to a chiropractor and a naturopath when you are sick instead of to the pediatrician. i let your fevers run their course. you don't drink cows milk. i will never take you to the animal circus. i plan to home educate you. but i don't always take the alternative route. i turned your car seat around at 14 months even though i knew i wanted to leave you rear facing for as long as possible. i give you ice cream. i have tons of toys for you to play with -- the plastic light up kind and everything. ok, so i guess i am pretty unconventional since that's all i can thnk of, but i don't think everyone should do all of these things. i don't think people who do them are bad. well, most of the time. but those things i wrote about above i have a really hard time with. if someone does one of those things, unless it's the last one, of course i can be their friend, if they still want me to be. if you do a couple or a few of them, i can still be your friend. if you do all of them, other than abuse your child, i can be your friend. but i still don't understand it. and i can't just let it go. i always think about it. i am not sure why. maybe it's because i think you think i am wrong if you don't do it the way i do -- a throw-back to the way i was always made to feel wrong when i was a kid. maybe it's my controlling personality. maybe it's because i tend to personify babies way too much and i feel like i can see from their eyes. maybe because if a person is making decisions that i would never accept in myself, i just can't understand it. i am trying really hard to understand why this lesson is so hard for me to learn. why am i so attached to the way other people are mothering their babies and children? i know that everyone has a story. everyone has a path. everyone has their lessons. i also believe that all little souls choose their parents, so they know what they are getting into. i am the same way about women and the way they choose to birth their babies. i just want everyone to have their best birth. deep down i can feel it. but i know thta what's best for me is not best for everyone. i don't think everyone whould have their babies at home. but i am so attached to women having their babies vaginally, naturally, without being induced, even though i delivered cooper with an epidural and you via cesarean. what is it? what is going on in my head that keeps me so attached to these things. i need a nice long talk with flossie, my teacher. i need to get back into my yoga practice. i need to sit. to meditate. i need to figure this out. i am losing friends and making people hate me. and i hate to be hated. and i guess i am reaaly lucky to have all this time on my hands to focus on things that don't affect my own life. i am lucky everyone i love and care for is healthy. that i can afford to live in a nice house in a nice place and stay home and have food on the table. someday, i will be too busy to notice or to care what others are doing. i guess i just hope that in the end the world is a better place for you and your kids. and i guess i believe the world will only get better if the babies and kids are shown better. i don't know. i am sure some people will read this and think i am self-righteous. that i have issues. that i am an asshole. i'm not even sure if i should publish this post. but i guess in the end, voicing our thoughts ans differences can be painful, but it can also lead to understanding. so here's hoping to a positive reaction...at least in the long run.
17 May, 2011
sleeping through the night
this is one of the many questions that makes my blood boil. how does he sleep? is he sleeping for you? does he sleep through the night? oh, he's in bed with you. that must be so hard.
no. it isn't hard. it's parenting. is parenting easy? is is supposed to be? i chose to keep you in bed with me from your first night on earth. it was my plan from before you were born. i read enough to know it was safe. i used my common sense and i did what was right for me. and for you. you stayed in my bed at the hospital -- directly across from the sign telling me not to let you sleep in bed with me. you have slept in our bed every night of your life since we came home from the hospital. and we want you there. we did this on purpose. we chose to keep you there with us. it's not hard. it's how we like it. all of us.
and you don't sleep through the night. not nearly. but does anyone? i haven't slept through the night in...i don't know...my entire life. i wake, i roll over. i get up to pee. i pull the covers back from your dad. you do the same sort of things. but you don't know how to get back to sleep yet all the time by yourself. you do it now more often than you ised to. and you sleep longer stretches sometimes. but you don't sleep longer than four hours at a time. and that's rare. but when you wake, i roll over, you latch on and we both go back to sleep. it's really not a big deal most nights. yes, some nights it sucks. but some nights your teeth hurt. some nights i just can't get comfortable. some nights your dad snores. so i'm not gonna blame just you.
my point here is i am still hearing this question. people ask me. they ask my friends who are new moms. new moms ask each other. i wish that we could all just accept that babies do not sleep through the night unless they are left to cry and to believe that no one is coming. and if i have a ninteen month old who is still waking and it's not a problem for me, then it's not a problem. it's not a big freaking deal. yes, it would be a big deal if you were down the hall in a crib and i had to get my tired ass out of bed to nurse you. then it would suck all the time. but it doesn't suck. most of the time. really. you are right there. i roll over. we go back to sleep.
so friends. please don't feel bad for me. don't wonder how i do it. i do it just because it's what i do. and it's what my kid needs.
and please know, i am not saying that everyone should keep their kid in bed with them. i'm just saying who cares if my kid or anyone else's is sleeping through the night? let's all just get over it. let's all just stop caring and stop asking and stop announcing if babies are sleeping through the night!
no. it isn't hard. it's parenting. is parenting easy? is is supposed to be? i chose to keep you in bed with me from your first night on earth. it was my plan from before you were born. i read enough to know it was safe. i used my common sense and i did what was right for me. and for you. you stayed in my bed at the hospital -- directly across from the sign telling me not to let you sleep in bed with me. you have slept in our bed every night of your life since we came home from the hospital. and we want you there. we did this on purpose. we chose to keep you there with us. it's not hard. it's how we like it. all of us.
and you don't sleep through the night. not nearly. but does anyone? i haven't slept through the night in...i don't know...my entire life. i wake, i roll over. i get up to pee. i pull the covers back from your dad. you do the same sort of things. but you don't know how to get back to sleep yet all the time by yourself. you do it now more often than you ised to. and you sleep longer stretches sometimes. but you don't sleep longer than four hours at a time. and that's rare. but when you wake, i roll over, you latch on and we both go back to sleep. it's really not a big deal most nights. yes, some nights it sucks. but some nights your teeth hurt. some nights i just can't get comfortable. some nights your dad snores. so i'm not gonna blame just you.
my point here is i am still hearing this question. people ask me. they ask my friends who are new moms. new moms ask each other. i wish that we could all just accept that babies do not sleep through the night unless they are left to cry and to believe that no one is coming. and if i have a ninteen month old who is still waking and it's not a problem for me, then it's not a problem. it's not a big freaking deal. yes, it would be a big deal if you were down the hall in a crib and i had to get my tired ass out of bed to nurse you. then it would suck all the time. but it doesn't suck. most of the time. really. you are right there. i roll over. we go back to sleep.
so friends. please don't feel bad for me. don't wonder how i do it. i do it just because it's what i do. and it's what my kid needs.
and please know, i am not saying that everyone should keep their kid in bed with them. i'm just saying who cares if my kid or anyone else's is sleeping through the night? let's all just get over it. let's all just stop caring and stop asking and stop announcing if babies are sleeping through the night!
09 May, 2011
how long are you gonna nurse him?
so the time has finally come. people everywhere want to know when i am going to stop nursing you. so far no strangers have commented to my face. i actually look forward to that day so i can let loose on someone i don't care about. but the question keeps coming. it's coming from curious friends. from family members who just don't seem to get it. still after 19 months. they don't get it.
nursing is so much more than just food. you nurse when you are hungry. yes. and thirsty. yes. but you also nurse when you just need a break. a break from people who love you very much but probably quite often overwhelm you. a break from playing. or just to come touch base with me to say 'hey mom. i'm busy sometimes. but you and i are still tight. no worries.' you nurse when you are tired. or hurt. and yes, maybe sometimes you even nurse when you are bored. hell. i eat all the time when i am bored. but i eat cookies. or chips. at least mommy milk is nutritious.
and yes. it is still nutritious. it is full of all kinds of vitamins and nutrients. stuff you aren't getting from your solids. the few solids you are interested in eating. so i never have to worry about you getting enough protein or carbs or anything. it's all in the milk. my milk changes with you and with your needs. it's pretty damn amazing that way.
so i will just make the answer short and simple for everyone. i will keep nursing my son until he and i are ready to stop. holy shit! does that mean i might be nursing a two year old? yes. for sure. i can promise everyone right now that you will not be done nursing by the time you are two. or a four year old? maybe. likely by then you would want to nurse only a few times a day. maybe just to get to sleep. but maybe not. maybe you will want to -- gasp -- nurse in public. and guess what -- if you want to or need to nurse in public that badly that i cannot convince you to wait, i am sure i will nurse you in public even as a four year old.
and let's clear this one up for those of you who have not read this response anywhere else. "once they are old enough to ask for it..." really? so when your baby is asking for his bottle by saying "baba" you are going to refuse because he is asking for it? or if your kid asks for broccoli your response will be "no honey, you are too old for broccoli because you are old enough to ask for it." this one just aggravates me to no end. only in america do we have to defend our choice to use our boobs for what they are there for.
i was thinking about this tonight while nursing you probably about five times at your cousin's baseball game. i can't remember ever seeing anyone nurse in public. maybe it's because people are so discreet when they do it. maybe it's because i wasn't looking for it. maybe people just don't do it. but regardless, i have nursed you everywhere as you have grown. the most awkward places have been at wrestling tournaments and on a boat with you in your big life vest. i am sure your dad could remember more, but i don't really care too much. i just nurse you because you want to nurse and because it's good for you. and for me. it's good for us.
but i wonder how many people at that game were offended by what we were doing. i never seem to get looks. i have never been approached or made to feel that i shouldn't be nursing you. maybe people are just good at hiding their disgust. or maybe the majority of people really don't care.
either way. ii'm gonna keep nursing you until we are done. because it's good for us. and it's normal. period.
nursing is so much more than just food. you nurse when you are hungry. yes. and thirsty. yes. but you also nurse when you just need a break. a break from people who love you very much but probably quite often overwhelm you. a break from playing. or just to come touch base with me to say 'hey mom. i'm busy sometimes. but you and i are still tight. no worries.' you nurse when you are tired. or hurt. and yes, maybe sometimes you even nurse when you are bored. hell. i eat all the time when i am bored. but i eat cookies. or chips. at least mommy milk is nutritious.
and yes. it is still nutritious. it is full of all kinds of vitamins and nutrients. stuff you aren't getting from your solids. the few solids you are interested in eating. so i never have to worry about you getting enough protein or carbs or anything. it's all in the milk. my milk changes with you and with your needs. it's pretty damn amazing that way.
so i will just make the answer short and simple for everyone. i will keep nursing my son until he and i are ready to stop. holy shit! does that mean i might be nursing a two year old? yes. for sure. i can promise everyone right now that you will not be done nursing by the time you are two. or a four year old? maybe. likely by then you would want to nurse only a few times a day. maybe just to get to sleep. but maybe not. maybe you will want to -- gasp -- nurse in public. and guess what -- if you want to or need to nurse in public that badly that i cannot convince you to wait, i am sure i will nurse you in public even as a four year old.
and let's clear this one up for those of you who have not read this response anywhere else. "once they are old enough to ask for it..." really? so when your baby is asking for his bottle by saying "baba" you are going to refuse because he is asking for it? or if your kid asks for broccoli your response will be "no honey, you are too old for broccoli because you are old enough to ask for it." this one just aggravates me to no end. only in america do we have to defend our choice to use our boobs for what they are there for.
i was thinking about this tonight while nursing you probably about five times at your cousin's baseball game. i can't remember ever seeing anyone nurse in public. maybe it's because people are so discreet when they do it. maybe it's because i wasn't looking for it. maybe people just don't do it. but regardless, i have nursed you everywhere as you have grown. the most awkward places have been at wrestling tournaments and on a boat with you in your big life vest. i am sure your dad could remember more, but i don't really care too much. i just nurse you because you want to nurse and because it's good for you. and for me. it's good for us.
but i wonder how many people at that game were offended by what we were doing. i never seem to get looks. i have never been approached or made to feel that i shouldn't be nursing you. maybe people are just good at hiding their disgust. or maybe the majority of people really don't care.
either way. ii'm gonna keep nursing you until we are done. because it's good for us. and it's normal. period.
30 April, 2011
baby number three for me
no. not yet.
when our little friend was born at home two hours after we left the zoo that day, i got kind of jealous. i always get jealous when i find out someone is pregnant or when i hear about a birth story. i don't want to feel that way, but i can't help it. it just takes over. sometimes i can't even be happy for people. i still am so effected by your brother's birth and by missing my chance to deliver you at home. i get angry with friends who trust their doctors so much that they make decisions that mess up their birth experiences for them. and then i get jealous when friends are lucky enough to have things go their way. i love these people and i love their babies, and it totally sucks that i still get these feelings. i hate it. i wish i could just be happy for people and that i could just let go of their experiences. after all, i know that each woman needs to birth her baby the way that she feels most comfortable and that each of us is on our own path. i know that some women are just not ready to take charge of their pregnancies or their deliveries. but i just want everyone to have the best birting experience they can. i know what it's like to be robbed of it. i know what effect doctors can have on a pregnancy and on a delivery. and when things go right i just can't help but be pissed off that things never seem to go right for me when it comes to delivering babies. but anyway this really wasn't the point of my post today. i have digressed.
the point was that after baby c was born at home in his tub, i was insanely jealous and made an appointment that day with the fertility doc to discuss our options as far as trying again with one or more of those embryo siblings of yours that we've got on ice. they said i can't try til i wean you. now we all know that i am not going to wean you. and we all know that i am also no rule follower, so of course i came home and looked into it. there have been plenty of moms who have gone through ivf while still breastfeeding. i could do it. especially since i want to try for an unmedicated transfer. but either way, the meds would be safe for you, so it wouldn't be a problem if we did use them.
but it got me thinking. really thinking.
i am not ready to have anohter baby. we want you to have a sibling. one that you can play with and talk to and teach things to. you love kids. you love being around your cousins. you are always so happy when you are playing with your friends (even when you are hitting them in the head and stuff). i want to have more babies. just not yet. i am very excited to be pregnant again. i love being pregnant. i love everything about it. i am so looking forward to my homebirth. my home vbac. but i am just not ready to actually care for another baby just yet. and although i am not young, i am still not so old that i really have to worry about the clock ticking. i really enjoy you. i love spending time with you and being able to stop everything just to go outside and play with you in the sandbox. i love to be able to jump on the bike and go for a ride with you whenever you touch your head and say "helmet". you and i are really into a groove and i don't want to mess with it just yet.
on top of that, i am terrified. you were not easy, as i've mentioned before. and i am absolutly terrified of having another baby who might be even nearly as demanding as you were. i cringe when i think back to the days of holding you and bouncing you all day long until my arms were numb. i can't imagine going through that again while you are still so needy and still demanding milkies about five times an hour sometimes and still often waking up every hour or two through the night to nurse.
so we will wait. and hey, maybe we will get pregnant on our own this time and we will just have to deal with what happens. because of course we will be able to deal with it and of course i can handle it. and likely it will be easier next time. after all, i have experience now and friends who will help. friends who understand what it's like to be a nursing mom and who won't tell me that "breastfeeding is for the birds" or that even though she knows i might get upset when she says this but that she thinks that my baby is crying all the time because he is hungry. my mommy friends get it and that just would have made it a whole lot easier last time. everyone always told me that i should give you a bottle so i could get a break. but i didn't need a break from you (i am pretty sur ei have have said this before) i needed help with all of the other shit that had to get done so i could just sit and nurse you. but no one understood. so this time, people will understand.
but still, i don't want to rush it. as jealous as i am that my amazing friends keep on having these amazing pregnancies and deliveries, i can wait for my next one. for now, you and i can just keep on being us. and one day, you will have your own baby to hold and kiss. and you will be able to watch him or her be born here at home. and i will keep learning lessons from cooper and from you and from another little soul.
when our little friend was born at home two hours after we left the zoo that day, i got kind of jealous. i always get jealous when i find out someone is pregnant or when i hear about a birth story. i don't want to feel that way, but i can't help it. it just takes over. sometimes i can't even be happy for people. i still am so effected by your brother's birth and by missing my chance to deliver you at home. i get angry with friends who trust their doctors so much that they make decisions that mess up their birth experiences for them. and then i get jealous when friends are lucky enough to have things go their way. i love these people and i love their babies, and it totally sucks that i still get these feelings. i hate it. i wish i could just be happy for people and that i could just let go of their experiences. after all, i know that each woman needs to birth her baby the way that she feels most comfortable and that each of us is on our own path. i know that some women are just not ready to take charge of their pregnancies or their deliveries. but i just want everyone to have the best birting experience they can. i know what it's like to be robbed of it. i know what effect doctors can have on a pregnancy and on a delivery. and when things go right i just can't help but be pissed off that things never seem to go right for me when it comes to delivering babies. but anyway this really wasn't the point of my post today. i have digressed.
the point was that after baby c was born at home in his tub, i was insanely jealous and made an appointment that day with the fertility doc to discuss our options as far as trying again with one or more of those embryo siblings of yours that we've got on ice. they said i can't try til i wean you. now we all know that i am not going to wean you. and we all know that i am also no rule follower, so of course i came home and looked into it. there have been plenty of moms who have gone through ivf while still breastfeeding. i could do it. especially since i want to try for an unmedicated transfer. but either way, the meds would be safe for you, so it wouldn't be a problem if we did use them.
but it got me thinking. really thinking.
i am not ready to have anohter baby. we want you to have a sibling. one that you can play with and talk to and teach things to. you love kids. you love being around your cousins. you are always so happy when you are playing with your friends (even when you are hitting them in the head and stuff). i want to have more babies. just not yet. i am very excited to be pregnant again. i love being pregnant. i love everything about it. i am so looking forward to my homebirth. my home vbac. but i am just not ready to actually care for another baby just yet. and although i am not young, i am still not so old that i really have to worry about the clock ticking. i really enjoy you. i love spending time with you and being able to stop everything just to go outside and play with you in the sandbox. i love to be able to jump on the bike and go for a ride with you whenever you touch your head and say "helmet". you and i are really into a groove and i don't want to mess with it just yet.
on top of that, i am terrified. you were not easy, as i've mentioned before. and i am absolutly terrified of having another baby who might be even nearly as demanding as you were. i cringe when i think back to the days of holding you and bouncing you all day long until my arms were numb. i can't imagine going through that again while you are still so needy and still demanding milkies about five times an hour sometimes and still often waking up every hour or two through the night to nurse.
so we will wait. and hey, maybe we will get pregnant on our own this time and we will just have to deal with what happens. because of course we will be able to deal with it and of course i can handle it. and likely it will be easier next time. after all, i have experience now and friends who will help. friends who understand what it's like to be a nursing mom and who won't tell me that "breastfeeding is for the birds" or that even though she knows i might get upset when she says this but that she thinks that my baby is crying all the time because he is hungry. my mommy friends get it and that just would have made it a whole lot easier last time. everyone always told me that i should give you a bottle so i could get a break. but i didn't need a break from you (i am pretty sur ei have have said this before) i needed help with all of the other shit that had to get done so i could just sit and nurse you. but no one understood. so this time, people will understand.
but still, i don't want to rush it. as jealous as i am that my amazing friends keep on having these amazing pregnancies and deliveries, i can wait for my next one. for now, you and i can just keep on being us. and one day, you will have your own baby to hold and kiss. and you will be able to watch him or her be born here at home. and i will keep learning lessons from cooper and from you and from another little soul.
your new friends
over the past two months, you have had a whole bunch of new friends enter the world. each one of those babies has their own special story. one of those little boys decided to be born at home in his bathtub even though his mom planned to have him at the hospital. turns out he knew what was best for his mom. she had two babies already. one was born via c-section and the other was a hospital vbac. his mom is a childbirth educator in training and wanted deep down to have a planned homebirth. but she was just not ready to take that leap. so the baby helped her out and came too fast for her to go anywhere but into the bathroom. it was beautiful and safe and wonderful. one sweet baby girl was born at the hospital birthing suite. she took a reallllllly really long time to get here. her mom was so strong and powerful throughout the entire labor. i was with her for the final eight hours of her labor and even thoughshe was exhausted and this was her first birth, she did not even once consider asking for medication to help the pain. and even in the face of a "midwife" who was threatening meds, mom continued to listen to her own body and pushed her out while in an uprgith position, one the nurse and the "midwife" had tried to discourage her from trying. it was truly amazing. and another one of your friends decided to be born at home in his bathtub after we were at the zoo with his mom and his big brother. his mom planned to have him at home, but she didn't really plan to have him come so fast. he was born only a half hour after the midwife got there. and then this morning we had another baby girl enter the world at home. unplanned. she also knew what was best for her brave mommy. her mom had a baby born five weeks too early the day before you were born. she planned to deliver this baby at the birth center, but ended up having her baby at home, which is just what she needed. it's really amazing what the female body can do on it's own when nothing gets in the way. with no interventions at all. i can't wait for my homebirth.
11 April, 2011
doctors
recently i was reminded that although i have suffered at the hands of the medical community, i should not expect everyone else to have a mistrust for doctors. that comment really pissed me off and i can't seem to let it go.
i do not have a blatant and general mistrust of doctors. doctors are full of knowledge about their specific field. if you are sick, i mean really sick with something that we cannot handle on our own, i would obviously take you to the doctor and use any medications that were needed to make you better. i have given you tylenol and advil when i knew you were in pain. i gave you a couple of days worth of an antibiotic when you were a couple months old. i was told by a doctor that you had the "beginnings of an ear infection". you already cried so much and were so miserable much of the time, i believed that neither of us would survive an ear infection. so i gave it to you. then a lovely friend suggested i read "no more amoxicillin". she gave me the gist of the book, and though i didn't read it until recently, i learned enough from her and from searches online and in my natural health books and through consulting with our naturopath, to know that you likely did not have an ear infection, that if you did it would heal itself, and that if it were an infection, it had a very small chance of becoming dangerous. very small chance. i learned that the use of antibiotics for an ear infection would only allow your body to heal temporarily and that it was best to let your body work. so i have never given you another antibiotic and i will not unless the research i do and the consultation with our naturopath deems it necessary. i was recently told (again) that you had very red ears. i gave you pain meds so you would not suffer, and did not fill the script. you got better. i am not bashing anyone who gives their kid meds or even anyone who trusts their doctor, nor do i think i am better or right because of the way i take care of you. but i do believe that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to our world to be knowledgable. i was told by a pediatrician when you were weeks old that i should nurse you only for ten minutes per side no often than every two hours. luckily i did not listen to her. luckily i had a midwife to whom i was turning for my nursing advice. had i listened, and many moms do in our culture because they have no other resources, i would not have succeeded in breastfeeding you. and yes, your brother died at the hands of the medical community. i am at fault for not being more well-informed. i trusted my OB. and i have heard over and over again from many many mothers that they, too, suffered in one way or another because they trusted their doctors. endless breastfeeding support meetings, endless grief support meetings, tons of reading and talking to people who are trained in the field of natural health have led me to believe that doctors are good for some things, but for the vast majority of things concering our health and wellness, it is best to stay away from them. they have their place, but i could go on and on about why OBs and even certified nurse midwives often do way more harm than good to a pregnant or laboring or nursing moms. we should not turn to pediatricians for advice on breastfeeding (unless he or she is an IBCLC), discipline, or sleep. they are not trained in these fields. they are trained in the field of medicine. an OB is a trained surgeon. many have never seen a baby birthed naturally. many have not even breastfed their own babies.
and yes, i know this is not my best writing, but you are napping and could wake at any moment. we are going up to see our fabulous friend and her new baby, who was born at home last wednesday. and has yet to see a pediatrician, a doctor of any kind, a nurse, or whatever. i am so looking forward to bringing a brother or sister for you into the world that way. some day. with no interventions. with no inaccurate advice to piss me off.
and yes, doctors do piss me off. the female body is meant to birth babies -- big ones, small ones, whatever. and breasts were made to nurse babies -- big babies, little babies, early babies, grown up babies and even babies who have baby siblings growing in their moms bellies. babies are not supposed to sleep through the night until they are ready. they should sleep near their loved ones. they are not supposed to eat solid foods at four months. they do not need rice cereal. our bodies were made to heal. our bodies are amazing. trust them.
i do not have a blatant and general mistrust of doctors. doctors are full of knowledge about their specific field. if you are sick, i mean really sick with something that we cannot handle on our own, i would obviously take you to the doctor and use any medications that were needed to make you better. i have given you tylenol and advil when i knew you were in pain. i gave you a couple of days worth of an antibiotic when you were a couple months old. i was told by a doctor that you had the "beginnings of an ear infection". you already cried so much and were so miserable much of the time, i believed that neither of us would survive an ear infection. so i gave it to you. then a lovely friend suggested i read "no more amoxicillin". she gave me the gist of the book, and though i didn't read it until recently, i learned enough from her and from searches online and in my natural health books and through consulting with our naturopath, to know that you likely did not have an ear infection, that if you did it would heal itself, and that if it were an infection, it had a very small chance of becoming dangerous. very small chance. i learned that the use of antibiotics for an ear infection would only allow your body to heal temporarily and that it was best to let your body work. so i have never given you another antibiotic and i will not unless the research i do and the consultation with our naturopath deems it necessary. i was recently told (again) that you had very red ears. i gave you pain meds so you would not suffer, and did not fill the script. you got better. i am not bashing anyone who gives their kid meds or even anyone who trusts their doctor, nor do i think i am better or right because of the way i take care of you. but i do believe that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to our world to be knowledgable. i was told by a pediatrician when you were weeks old that i should nurse you only for ten minutes per side no often than every two hours. luckily i did not listen to her. luckily i had a midwife to whom i was turning for my nursing advice. had i listened, and many moms do in our culture because they have no other resources, i would not have succeeded in breastfeeding you. and yes, your brother died at the hands of the medical community. i am at fault for not being more well-informed. i trusted my OB. and i have heard over and over again from many many mothers that they, too, suffered in one way or another because they trusted their doctors. endless breastfeeding support meetings, endless grief support meetings, tons of reading and talking to people who are trained in the field of natural health have led me to believe that doctors are good for some things, but for the vast majority of things concering our health and wellness, it is best to stay away from them. they have their place, but i could go on and on about why OBs and even certified nurse midwives often do way more harm than good to a pregnant or laboring or nursing moms. we should not turn to pediatricians for advice on breastfeeding (unless he or she is an IBCLC), discipline, or sleep. they are not trained in these fields. they are trained in the field of medicine. an OB is a trained surgeon. many have never seen a baby birthed naturally. many have not even breastfed their own babies.
and yes, i know this is not my best writing, but you are napping and could wake at any moment. we are going up to see our fabulous friend and her new baby, who was born at home last wednesday. and has yet to see a pediatrician, a doctor of any kind, a nurse, or whatever. i am so looking forward to bringing a brother or sister for you into the world that way. some day. with no interventions. with no inaccurate advice to piss me off.
and yes, doctors do piss me off. the female body is meant to birth babies -- big ones, small ones, whatever. and breasts were made to nurse babies -- big babies, little babies, early babies, grown up babies and even babies who have baby siblings growing in their moms bellies. babies are not supposed to sleep through the night until they are ready. they should sleep near their loved ones. they are not supposed to eat solid foods at four months. they do not need rice cereal. our bodies were made to heal. our bodies are amazing. trust them.
29 March, 2011
bath tub time
i remember the first bath we gave you. it was a sponge bath. aunt cole was there taking pictures and calming me and daddy about the temperature of the water. i don't remember if you screamed but we do have pictures so i guess i should take a look back at them so i can remember. it's amazing how much i am already forgetting about when you were a "baby". you seem so grown up already from who you used to be.
so the progression of your bath tub time...ah it has been quite an experience. last winter, when daddy was at wrestling all the time, i used to be terrified about bath time. i would have to get in the tub with you and then get you out in the cold. we would wrap up in our towels and you would be screaming pretty much the whole time. i would try to manage getting the diaper stuffed and getting you dry and getting me dry and getting us both dressed while nursing you. it must have been quite a sight.
when daddy was home, he would get in the bath with you and i would do the rest afterwards. you always started to scream even though we did the same exact routine every night since you were about a month old when we learned that you were not going to accept being bathed alone in the baby tub. (funny, the baby tub was one of those things i knew i would not need but was told by everyone else in the world that i was crazy -- luckily it was given to us as a hand-me-down. i gave it away over a year ago.)
it wasn't until a few months ago, when you were well over one year old, that you stopped crying after the bath was over. it's not even like you enjoyed the bath. you just didn't like all the manipulation that went with the drying and dressing afterwards, i guess. you have never liked being "managed". so anyway a few months ago bath tub time began to get easier. i didn't dread it anymore and i actually had learned to enjoy that time with you. oh yes. i forgot to mention that sometime near your birthday you decided that you needed me in there with you and not daddy most of the time. and you wanted to nurse through the entire bath. which was fine because it really was a peaceful end to our day together.
so about two months ago you were in the tub with me. you were playing. i got out. and you stayed in there. alone. and you had fun. and the next couple of months were fun bath tub times for you. you played. you got in on your own and stayed in. you did the heiny splash. there were times when i had to get you out because oyu were in so long that you were wrinkling and the water was cold.
and then last week i decided to stop babying you with the hair washing. at first you never minded getting water dumped over your head. but progressively you started to dislike it more and more. so i have no idea what i was thinking when i decided that you might be ok if i just poured the whole container of water over your head to get the shampoo out in one shot. instead of being gentle and careful like i have always been. i let people get to me. i let people get in my head. i wanted you to get used to the water so you would go in the lake and the pool and like to go under water and not freak when you got your face wet. but i went against what i know. i know you. i know you don't work that way. and i know that my wants have nothing to do with your needs and i should have just let you go and if you ended up being ten and not liking getting your face wet at the beach so the fuck what?
so the last week bath tub time has been a complete nightmare for both of us. you are terrified when i mention it. when i take you near the tub at night time and put you down you cling to me in sheer terror. your poor little frightened face breaks my heart. you won't get in with me. i tried to get in with you and you clung to me in fear. no bath has lasted more than 90 seconds in the past week.
so from now until you are ready, just like we did tonight since your mommy finally figured it out, you will get wiped down while you sit on the sink and hold tight on to me and tell me in your developing language in the best way you can "mommy don't let go of me and please don't put me in that bath tub". i won't. not until you are ready. and if that means your hair smells of enchilada sauce for a week or two, then i can live with that.
i am sorry i scared you. i will try hard not to do it again. i will continue to work on following my instincts and on trusting my gut. and on not concerning myself with silly things like you being afraid to get your face wet. sometimes -- most time -- it's just not worth it to me to make you sad or scared or upset in any way in exchange for my own personal convenience. i will try not to ever force you into accepting anything before you are ready. i know you. and i trust you. and you trust me. you know i hear you. and that means everything to me.
so the progression of your bath tub time...ah it has been quite an experience. last winter, when daddy was at wrestling all the time, i used to be terrified about bath time. i would have to get in the tub with you and then get you out in the cold. we would wrap up in our towels and you would be screaming pretty much the whole time. i would try to manage getting the diaper stuffed and getting you dry and getting me dry and getting us both dressed while nursing you. it must have been quite a sight.
when daddy was home, he would get in the bath with you and i would do the rest afterwards. you always started to scream even though we did the same exact routine every night since you were about a month old when we learned that you were not going to accept being bathed alone in the baby tub. (funny, the baby tub was one of those things i knew i would not need but was told by everyone else in the world that i was crazy -- luckily it was given to us as a hand-me-down. i gave it away over a year ago.)
it wasn't until a few months ago, when you were well over one year old, that you stopped crying after the bath was over. it's not even like you enjoyed the bath. you just didn't like all the manipulation that went with the drying and dressing afterwards, i guess. you have never liked being "managed". so anyway a few months ago bath tub time began to get easier. i didn't dread it anymore and i actually had learned to enjoy that time with you. oh yes. i forgot to mention that sometime near your birthday you decided that you needed me in there with you and not daddy most of the time. and you wanted to nurse through the entire bath. which was fine because it really was a peaceful end to our day together.
so about two months ago you were in the tub with me. you were playing. i got out. and you stayed in there. alone. and you had fun. and the next couple of months were fun bath tub times for you. you played. you got in on your own and stayed in. you did the heiny splash. there were times when i had to get you out because oyu were in so long that you were wrinkling and the water was cold.
and then last week i decided to stop babying you with the hair washing. at first you never minded getting water dumped over your head. but progressively you started to dislike it more and more. so i have no idea what i was thinking when i decided that you might be ok if i just poured the whole container of water over your head to get the shampoo out in one shot. instead of being gentle and careful like i have always been. i let people get to me. i let people get in my head. i wanted you to get used to the water so you would go in the lake and the pool and like to go under water and not freak when you got your face wet. but i went against what i know. i know you. i know you don't work that way. and i know that my wants have nothing to do with your needs and i should have just let you go and if you ended up being ten and not liking getting your face wet at the beach so the fuck what?
so the last week bath tub time has been a complete nightmare for both of us. you are terrified when i mention it. when i take you near the tub at night time and put you down you cling to me in sheer terror. your poor little frightened face breaks my heart. you won't get in with me. i tried to get in with you and you clung to me in fear. no bath has lasted more than 90 seconds in the past week.
so from now until you are ready, just like we did tonight since your mommy finally figured it out, you will get wiped down while you sit on the sink and hold tight on to me and tell me in your developing language in the best way you can "mommy don't let go of me and please don't put me in that bath tub". i won't. not until you are ready. and if that means your hair smells of enchilada sauce for a week or two, then i can live with that.
i am sorry i scared you. i will try hard not to do it again. i will continue to work on following my instincts and on trusting my gut. and on not concerning myself with silly things like you being afraid to get your face wet. sometimes -- most time -- it's just not worth it to me to make you sad or scared or upset in any way in exchange for my own personal convenience. i will try not to ever force you into accepting anything before you are ready. i know you. and i trust you. and you trust me. you know i hear you. and that means everything to me.
21 March, 2011
i considered weaning tonight
while many of my friends were nursing their babies at the la leche league meeting tonight, i was getting you to sleep and considering if my life would be easier if i were to wean you. since you were a few months old, i have always thought i would let you lead the way with weaning. but the past few weeks have been so hard.
you have been snotty and weepy and whiny and clingy and you have not slept well at all. during the day, you rarely let me put you down and even when i hold you you are whining. you ask for milkies and as you nurse you pull away and start crying and screaming MILKIES!!! you are having milkies! why are you crying? then you go back for more.
i have not been able to do anything without you erupting into tears on most days. i am exhausted. your dad wants to help but when i am around all you want is mommy and milkies.
so maybe it would be nice to have my boobs back to myself. maybe it would be nice to sleep on my belly without the every 90 minute to 3 hour interruptions for milkies. and the last couple of nights it's been every 20-40 minutes. those are the nights i want to freak. i have no patience with you on those nights and then i feel like shit in the morning for being such an ass and for having so little compassion. your dad tries to help and to keep me calm but all it seems to do is make me more angry.
but without your milkies, i know that you won't sleep better. you won't be less whiny or clingy without your milkies. you will still be every bit of you. but without the milkies i won't have a magical way to soothe you. i won't get a break. ever. not that i do now, but at least i can sit down when you want to nurse.
you are a super-charged kid. i have used many words to describe you over the past year and almost half. fussy. intense. sensitive. high-need. active. curious. demanding. but let's face it -- you are difficult. it has such a negative connotation, but you are. some of my friends have easy babies. so if they are easy and you are the opposite of them, you must be difficult.
it doesn't mean i love you any less. or that it's harder to love you. i appreciate your difficult-ness. but lately people have asked me if i believe that you would be different had i done things differently. in other words, is it my fault that you are difficult. the answer is a resounduing NO. you are you. and i am the mom i am because of you.
you hated the car. i entertained you. now you always have to be entertained in the car. but you always had to be. that came first. i couldn't put you down to sleep. you wouldn't have it. so i held you and rocked you. and now you have to be nursed to sleep and back to sleep over and over throughout the night. but that's because you always needed it that way. i couldn't put you down. ever. not that i ever really wanted to. no one else could soothe you. or calm you. just me and your dad. but mostly just me. i met every need often before you had to ask for it. because the price that you and i and your dad would pay if i didn't was too much to handle.
your cries are not cries. they are screams as if a limb is being ripped off of your body. your mouth opens so wide and your eyes look as if you are absolutly terrified. you begin to cough. you nearly vomit. your little body gets so tense that it hurts me. you were always like this. always.
i love you, baby boy. and though i can't promise i won't think about it on days like this, i promise not to wean you.
you have been snotty and weepy and whiny and clingy and you have not slept well at all. during the day, you rarely let me put you down and even when i hold you you are whining. you ask for milkies and as you nurse you pull away and start crying and screaming MILKIES!!! you are having milkies! why are you crying? then you go back for more.
i have not been able to do anything without you erupting into tears on most days. i am exhausted. your dad wants to help but when i am around all you want is mommy and milkies.
so maybe it would be nice to have my boobs back to myself. maybe it would be nice to sleep on my belly without the every 90 minute to 3 hour interruptions for milkies. and the last couple of nights it's been every 20-40 minutes. those are the nights i want to freak. i have no patience with you on those nights and then i feel like shit in the morning for being such an ass and for having so little compassion. your dad tries to help and to keep me calm but all it seems to do is make me more angry.
but without your milkies, i know that you won't sleep better. you won't be less whiny or clingy without your milkies. you will still be every bit of you. but without the milkies i won't have a magical way to soothe you. i won't get a break. ever. not that i do now, but at least i can sit down when you want to nurse.
you are a super-charged kid. i have used many words to describe you over the past year and almost half. fussy. intense. sensitive. high-need. active. curious. demanding. but let's face it -- you are difficult. it has such a negative connotation, but you are. some of my friends have easy babies. so if they are easy and you are the opposite of them, you must be difficult.
it doesn't mean i love you any less. or that it's harder to love you. i appreciate your difficult-ness. but lately people have asked me if i believe that you would be different had i done things differently. in other words, is it my fault that you are difficult. the answer is a resounduing NO. you are you. and i am the mom i am because of you.
you hated the car. i entertained you. now you always have to be entertained in the car. but you always had to be. that came first. i couldn't put you down to sleep. you wouldn't have it. so i held you and rocked you. and now you have to be nursed to sleep and back to sleep over and over throughout the night. but that's because you always needed it that way. i couldn't put you down. ever. not that i ever really wanted to. no one else could soothe you. or calm you. just me and your dad. but mostly just me. i met every need often before you had to ask for it. because the price that you and i and your dad would pay if i didn't was too much to handle.
your cries are not cries. they are screams as if a limb is being ripped off of your body. your mouth opens so wide and your eyes look as if you are absolutly terrified. you begin to cough. you nearly vomit. your little body gets so tense that it hurts me. you were always like this. always.
i love you, baby boy. and though i can't promise i won't think about it on days like this, i promise not to wean you.
08 March, 2011
to work or not to work
it's march. there are five months left in the school year. i was just sitting here thinking that if it were next year and i were back to work how miserable i would be. i feel so lucky that i have been able to be home with you for 17 months and two days. and i have only been away from you a few times in those 17 months for a couple of hours at a time. i could probably count those times on two hands.
i did not plan to be this kind of mother. i bought the $200 breast pump because i figured i would have to pump milk so i could be away from you. i figured i would have to be away from you for my sanity. and i am sure it probably could have helped if i had gone that way. your dad would maybe be happier. he and i have gone to dinner once alone since you were born. we were gone an hour. maybe. but i don't feel bad about it. except that i think sometimes he feel sbad about it. i hate leaving you. i feel weird, almost wrong, when we are not together. i am not that mom who needs my time or space. sometimes i wish i were that mom. it would be nice to go get my toes done or my brows waxed and to stop on the way home for a coffee at starbucks and read for a while. but that day will come sometime. for now, i feel best when we are together.
so that brings me to my major life decision. do i go back to work? do i go back to work half of the year, almost literally, or do i give up the salary and the stability and all that it could bring us as a family? i mean, i teach 6th grade. i like my job. i love the kids most days and i have lots of fun with them. lots. and most of them have loved me through the years. parents usually love me. i love everyone i work with. my principal is probably the best in jersey to work for and we live .8 miles from work. you would be with grandmom and grandpop while i was at work. they live .4 miles from us. i would be home by 3:16 every day. i would be home for all of the days off and all summer.
it would really be the best possible situation in the world. i am not sure who would have it easier as a working mom.
but.
i hate to leave you. hate it. i enjoy spending time with you. i enjoy being able to watch every minute of you as you grow and learn and explore. i love that we don't ever have to be anywhere unless we want to be. i love that we can spend time just living and being. we don't have to rush. and we learn so much from each other. i can enjoy you at your own pace.
your dad loves that i am home with you, too. he knows how much it means to both of us.
and we don't want much. we live in a tiny house and we don't have lots of stuff. we don't want lots of stuff. we can do it. live on one salary i mean. and it won't be too difficult. it will be tight and i will probably worry about money more than i can handle sometimes. we won't be able to get new fancy cars or go on regular vacations. we will have to watch every penny we spend for a long time. i will probably be very jealous of most of my friends when i see the new things they can buy and the things they can afford to do. but we can do it. i can make some money. there's lots i can do and lots i have brewing.
i hate to leave carusi. it's really the best place in the world to teach. if i ever have to go back, i don't know how i would be able to go anywhere else and teach. i would be like my friend maddy who always compared life in jersey to life in ohio, as if it was some kind of neverland or something. it would totally suck to have to teach anywhere else. so i would have to be sure that didn't happen. i would just never be able to go back. or i could only go back if there was an opening at carusi.
but regardless, i have never been one to make decisions based on fear.
(well, except for when i decided to allow them to section me instead of going home to labor with you, but that's a whole other blog entry.)
i have also been devouring books about education reform. about homeschooling. and i don't think that my conscience will allow me to ever go back into a public school classroom. i just feel so many things are wrong for so many kids, i don't think i could do it.
so here i am. at a precipice. do i resign from a job and that i love (and go to with your dad) that has a fairly nice paycheck with complete stability and a pension and leave you with your loving grandparents for about 186 days of the year OR do i stay home with you and worry sometimes about money and not be able to save anything and leave the house every day miserable because i miss you.
the truth is i already know the answer to this question. i have known for a while. i just have to be brave enough to admit it. and i think just writing this will help.
i did not plan to be this kind of mother. i bought the $200 breast pump because i figured i would have to pump milk so i could be away from you. i figured i would have to be away from you for my sanity. and i am sure it probably could have helped if i had gone that way. your dad would maybe be happier. he and i have gone to dinner once alone since you were born. we were gone an hour. maybe. but i don't feel bad about it. except that i think sometimes he feel sbad about it. i hate leaving you. i feel weird, almost wrong, when we are not together. i am not that mom who needs my time or space. sometimes i wish i were that mom. it would be nice to go get my toes done or my brows waxed and to stop on the way home for a coffee at starbucks and read for a while. but that day will come sometime. for now, i feel best when we are together.
so that brings me to my major life decision. do i go back to work? do i go back to work half of the year, almost literally, or do i give up the salary and the stability and all that it could bring us as a family? i mean, i teach 6th grade. i like my job. i love the kids most days and i have lots of fun with them. lots. and most of them have loved me through the years. parents usually love me. i love everyone i work with. my principal is probably the best in jersey to work for and we live .8 miles from work. you would be with grandmom and grandpop while i was at work. they live .4 miles from us. i would be home by 3:16 every day. i would be home for all of the days off and all summer.
it would really be the best possible situation in the world. i am not sure who would have it easier as a working mom.
but.
i hate to leave you. hate it. i enjoy spending time with you. i enjoy being able to watch every minute of you as you grow and learn and explore. i love that we don't ever have to be anywhere unless we want to be. i love that we can spend time just living and being. we don't have to rush. and we learn so much from each other. i can enjoy you at your own pace.
your dad loves that i am home with you, too. he knows how much it means to both of us.
and we don't want much. we live in a tiny house and we don't have lots of stuff. we don't want lots of stuff. we can do it. live on one salary i mean. and it won't be too difficult. it will be tight and i will probably worry about money more than i can handle sometimes. we won't be able to get new fancy cars or go on regular vacations. we will have to watch every penny we spend for a long time. i will probably be very jealous of most of my friends when i see the new things they can buy and the things they can afford to do. but we can do it. i can make some money. there's lots i can do and lots i have brewing.
i hate to leave carusi. it's really the best place in the world to teach. if i ever have to go back, i don't know how i would be able to go anywhere else and teach. i would be like my friend maddy who always compared life in jersey to life in ohio, as if it was some kind of neverland or something. it would totally suck to have to teach anywhere else. so i would have to be sure that didn't happen. i would just never be able to go back. or i could only go back if there was an opening at carusi.
but regardless, i have never been one to make decisions based on fear.
(well, except for when i decided to allow them to section me instead of going home to labor with you, but that's a whole other blog entry.)
i have also been devouring books about education reform. about homeschooling. and i don't think that my conscience will allow me to ever go back into a public school classroom. i just feel so many things are wrong for so many kids, i don't think i could do it.
so here i am. at a precipice. do i resign from a job and that i love (and go to with your dad) that has a fairly nice paycheck with complete stability and a pension and leave you with your loving grandparents for about 186 days of the year OR do i stay home with you and worry sometimes about money and not be able to save anything and leave the house every day miserable because i miss you.
the truth is i already know the answer to this question. i have known for a while. i just have to be brave enough to admit it. and i think just writing this will help.
07 March, 2011
on parenting choices, by our friend, tovah
Tovah has been one of your favorites since you met her, mason. mine, too. she is open, honest, brilliant, loving and compassionate. her words here ring very true for me. you and judah entered the world via cesarean and had very different experiences. yet, both of your moms have come out of our birthing experiences to bring change to the world, even if it's just for one mom or one baby. here is her story.
In the past few months, I have garnered a lot of attention and criticism from some of my posts and Facebook status'. Not including Santa, they are mostly about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, gentle parenting methods, and babywearing.
Let me give you a quick background about myself and my relationship with my son, Judah. Judah was born 6 weeks early. I was 34 weeks and 2 days, and admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia. After 24 hours of deliberation, the decision was made to deliver Judah via "emergency" c-section at 3:30PM on Christmas Eve.
Judah was born a healthy but small 4lbs 14oz, I kissed him on the nose, and he was quickly carted off to the NICU. I was pumped full of magnesium sulfate, and wheeled into a room far away from Judah, where I was completely drugged for the next 25 hours. They put a breastpump in the room with no instructions. When the magnesium was finished, my spinal block worn off, and my catheter pulled, I was finally allowed to see my baby. It was 6PM on Christmas Day.
Rafi wheeled me down the hallway and into the double secure doors to the NICU. I asked to hold my baby, and I was told that he'd been given 5cc of formula, and that he'd thrown up. Would I be gentle? I couldn't believe a nurse asked me if I was going to be gentle with my own baby. My own little being that I'd grown and had extracted from my belly 25 hours previous. Was I going to be gentle? Are you kidding me?
I finally held Judah. I asked if I could nurse him. I was not allowed to.
I was allowed to put him to the breast on Saturday, 48 hours after he'd been born. He didn't know what to do, and neither did I. I had NICU nurses who knew very little about breastfeeding, attempting to squish and shove my nipple into his mouth. I went back to my room, disappointed and tired. And in pain. I skipped the next feed, as instructed. I was only to put him to the breast every 6 hours, and in between, he'd have formula through the tube in his nose. Otherwise, he'd burn the calories he consumed by just trying to nurse.
That afternoon, a lactation consultant came to help me nurse Judah. She became my best friend. I had her come down every time I went to feed Judah. Sometimes we got him to consume 8ccs, sometimes nothing. It was always followed by either formula or breastmilk (fortified by formula) through the nose tube. I'd started pumping every 3 hours. It was a bitch.
Saturday night, I was so tired. I didn't want to see Judah. I had no connection to him. They could bottle feed him, why did I need to nurse him? My mom said to me, "Get out of that bed and go feed your baby. Now." And I did.
I was discharged 5 days after Judah was born. He stayed.
To come home, he'd have to consume, by mouth: 8 feeds in a row, in a 24 hour period, through the mouth. Between 50 and 70ccs each time. (Full term babies do not do this, mind you)
For the next 4 weeks, my life consisted of pumping every 3 hours around the clock (I slept on the couch so I could achieve this), labeling little containers of my milk, driving to the hospital at 9am and staying until 3, being only allowed to hold Judah when he was hungry and eating, driving home, eating, napping, and driving back to the hospital in the evening with Rafi. Don't forget, I was still pumping like a madman...at home and at the hospital. The next day, I'd wake up and do it again. And again. And again. I encountered the sweetest nurses, nurses I wanted to kill, and nurses who had no business working with humans.
While in the hospital, Judah consumed (in no order of important): formula through the nose tube, breastmilk fortified with formula through the nose tube, breastmilk through the nose tube. Formula in a bottle. Breastmilk with fortifier from a bottle. Breastmilk from a bottle. And milk from the breast.
Judah was finally discharged on January 19. We drove away from the hospital, and I was relieved. My life was finally going to be normal. No more hospitals. No more weighing before and after feeds. No more nurses watching me mother. No more doctors declaring he could not come home. He was home. He was mine. And that was it.
That first night, I put Judah next to my bed in the bassinet, and Rafi and I crawled into our beds and went to sleep. I woke up every 3 hours or so, schelpped the baby and the Boppy out to the living room, and nursed. After each nursing, I fed Judah a bottle of breastmilk, as per the hospitals instructions.
36 hours later, I had his first pediatricians appointment. He'd gained 10 oz in 36 hours. The doctor said I could curb the bottles, and that formula would not be nescesccary from a medical standpoint, only if I wanted to for convienience. (a few months later, I took all my formula to the Doctor's office and donated my special preemie formula to babies who truly needed it).
The weeks continued. I'd crawl into bed, anxious as to when Judah would wake up and want to eat. I hated waking up, Not because I didn't want to feed him, but because the physical act of waking up was very painful and jarring.
One night, I fed him in my bed, sitting up. We fell asleep. When I woke up, he was there and I was scared to death I did something wrong. But he was fine. And I was fine.
So we did it again. Except this time, I slunk down a little bit so I could sleep better. And I positioned him safely. And I was hyper aware that he was there. It was the craziest thing.
Eventually, we just started going to bed together, Judah nursing at my side. I slept. He slept. Rafi slept. Everyone was happy. We all fell in love.
And then I discovered the Moby wrap. It was cool. It was easy. It was hip. And Judah loved it.
It all made sense. Nurse your baby when he wants it. Keep him close. Bed in a way that lets everyone sleep. It felt good. It felt normal. It felt right.
This is what I was going to do. It wasn't popular. I read horror stories about co-sleeping, stories of babies dying in slings. Was I a terrible mother?
But then I discovered that parenting this way had a name. Attachment parenting. There were other people like me. A whole community, books, t-shirts, supportive doctors. Interesting. I didn't know doing what makes sense and is logical, had a name. Bizarre.
It is now roughly a year later and I am parenting the same way. I am passionate about this type of parenting, and I wish it was more mainstream. I wish people would realize that following your parenting instincts is normal and welcome. And that nobody should have guilt over loving thier baby, and that love does not spoil.
In the past year, I've learned a lot. And through that learning, I've formed opinions. I've posted articles, and statements, and links.
After a particularly heated recent post, 68 comments to be exact, someone said "Be an insensitive human if you want. At least you breastfeed."
This is not who I am, and this is not who I strive to be. Of all the comments, this hurt the most.
I do not think I am better than you because I breastfeed. I am not superior because I bedshare. I have never let my child cry-it-out, but that doesn't make me part of the parenting elite. I am not insensitive because I believe these things to be optimal.
I am lucky and grateful and priveleged to be a stay at home mom, who has never had to consider bottles for my absence. I've never had to think about sleep training to ensure restful solo sleep so I can attend to a roster of patients, a boss, or a classroom of children.
Would I parent differently if I were faced with these challenges? Perhaps. Is co-sleeping harder for the working mother? Maybe. Is co-sleeping easier for me? Yes. Is breastfeeding challenging for a mother with multiples, with a career, with no sleep? Certainly. Is it challenging for me? It was at first, and now it's a breeze.
I did a lot of thinking in the past few days, and I do realize that there are many factors that contribute to parent's choices. There are factors that I am not aware of, and perhaps even the parent isn't aware of deep psychological issues.
There are things in the world that I never knew until someone told me about them. And so too, I wish to teach people things as well. I'm sorry if my method of delivery isn't pluralistic and all lovey-happy-hippie, but the world isn't that way either.
I do not believe that "whatever a mother chooses for her child is the right thing". That just makes no sense. However, I won't tell you that you are wrong. I will just continue to provide articles and statements in a public forum. I have never and will never personally attack or judge. My job is Judah. And in parenting Judah, should I learn interesting things, I will share them.
I will continue to rail against formula companies. I will continue to boycott Nestle. I still maintain that breast isn't best, but normal, and that we're far away from where we should be in terms of natural parenting. I believe in human milk for human babies. I'm not out to get anyone. What you do is your business, what I do is mine, and the information I provide is optional.
Conclusion:
1. I am human. I make mistakes.
2. I do not think formula is evil.
3. I think there is a lot of information about nursing and breastmilk that is not shared with the mainstream general public.
4. Facebooks status' are not an attack on "you" personally, but the collective "you", the system.
5. Judah's entry into the world has changed my life and my opinions of the world.
6. If you're angry about my posts, that is your issue and not mine.
7. Life is about dialogue and learning. I am always open to both.
8. There is a fine line between doing what is best for yourself, and being selfish. I am not the one who draws that line.
9. I do not think I can change the world. But I might be able to make one person look at something a little bit differently. And if I do that, I've achieved my goal.
10. Unless you beat your kid, belittle them, or leave them crying in the corner for hours, I will always be your friend.
.
In the past few months, I have garnered a lot of attention and criticism from some of my posts and Facebook status'. Not including Santa, they are mostly about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, gentle parenting methods, and babywearing.
Let me give you a quick background about myself and my relationship with my son, Judah. Judah was born 6 weeks early. I was 34 weeks and 2 days, and admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia. After 24 hours of deliberation, the decision was made to deliver Judah via "emergency" c-section at 3:30PM on Christmas Eve.
Judah was born a healthy but small 4lbs 14oz, I kissed him on the nose, and he was quickly carted off to the NICU. I was pumped full of magnesium sulfate, and wheeled into a room far away from Judah, where I was completely drugged for the next 25 hours. They put a breastpump in the room with no instructions. When the magnesium was finished, my spinal block worn off, and my catheter pulled, I was finally allowed to see my baby. It was 6PM on Christmas Day.
Rafi wheeled me down the hallway and into the double secure doors to the NICU. I asked to hold my baby, and I was told that he'd been given 5cc of formula, and that he'd thrown up. Would I be gentle? I couldn't believe a nurse asked me if I was going to be gentle with my own baby. My own little being that I'd grown and had extracted from my belly 25 hours previous. Was I going to be gentle? Are you kidding me?
I finally held Judah. I asked if I could nurse him. I was not allowed to.
I was allowed to put him to the breast on Saturday, 48 hours after he'd been born. He didn't know what to do, and neither did I. I had NICU nurses who knew very little about breastfeeding, attempting to squish and shove my nipple into his mouth. I went back to my room, disappointed and tired. And in pain. I skipped the next feed, as instructed. I was only to put him to the breast every 6 hours, and in between, he'd have formula through the tube in his nose. Otherwise, he'd burn the calories he consumed by just trying to nurse.
That afternoon, a lactation consultant came to help me nurse Judah. She became my best friend. I had her come down every time I went to feed Judah. Sometimes we got him to consume 8ccs, sometimes nothing. It was always followed by either formula or breastmilk (fortified by formula) through the nose tube. I'd started pumping every 3 hours. It was a bitch.
Saturday night, I was so tired. I didn't want to see Judah. I had no connection to him. They could bottle feed him, why did I need to nurse him? My mom said to me, "Get out of that bed and go feed your baby. Now." And I did.
I was discharged 5 days after Judah was born. He stayed.
To come home, he'd have to consume, by mouth: 8 feeds in a row, in a 24 hour period, through the mouth. Between 50 and 70ccs each time. (Full term babies do not do this, mind you)
For the next 4 weeks, my life consisted of pumping every 3 hours around the clock (I slept on the couch so I could achieve this), labeling little containers of my milk, driving to the hospital at 9am and staying until 3, being only allowed to hold Judah when he was hungry and eating, driving home, eating, napping, and driving back to the hospital in the evening with Rafi. Don't forget, I was still pumping like a madman...at home and at the hospital. The next day, I'd wake up and do it again. And again. And again. I encountered the sweetest nurses, nurses I wanted to kill, and nurses who had no business working with humans.
While in the hospital, Judah consumed (in no order of important): formula through the nose tube, breastmilk fortified with formula through the nose tube, breastmilk through the nose tube. Formula in a bottle. Breastmilk with fortifier from a bottle. Breastmilk from a bottle. And milk from the breast.
Judah was finally discharged on January 19. We drove away from the hospital, and I was relieved. My life was finally going to be normal. No more hospitals. No more weighing before and after feeds. No more nurses watching me mother. No more doctors declaring he could not come home. He was home. He was mine. And that was it.
That first night, I put Judah next to my bed in the bassinet, and Rafi and I crawled into our beds and went to sleep. I woke up every 3 hours or so, schelpped the baby and the Boppy out to the living room, and nursed. After each nursing, I fed Judah a bottle of breastmilk, as per the hospitals instructions.
36 hours later, I had his first pediatricians appointment. He'd gained 10 oz in 36 hours. The doctor said I could curb the bottles, and that formula would not be nescesccary from a medical standpoint, only if I wanted to for convienience. (a few months later, I took all my formula to the Doctor's office and donated my special preemie formula to babies who truly needed it).
The weeks continued. I'd crawl into bed, anxious as to when Judah would wake up and want to eat. I hated waking up, Not because I didn't want to feed him, but because the physical act of waking up was very painful and jarring.
One night, I fed him in my bed, sitting up. We fell asleep. When I woke up, he was there and I was scared to death I did something wrong. But he was fine. And I was fine.
So we did it again. Except this time, I slunk down a little bit so I could sleep better. And I positioned him safely. And I was hyper aware that he was there. It was the craziest thing.
Eventually, we just started going to bed together, Judah nursing at my side. I slept. He slept. Rafi slept. Everyone was happy. We all fell in love.
And then I discovered the Moby wrap. It was cool. It was easy. It was hip. And Judah loved it.
It all made sense. Nurse your baby when he wants it. Keep him close. Bed in a way that lets everyone sleep. It felt good. It felt normal. It felt right.
This is what I was going to do. It wasn't popular. I read horror stories about co-sleeping, stories of babies dying in slings. Was I a terrible mother?
But then I discovered that parenting this way had a name. Attachment parenting. There were other people like me. A whole community, books, t-shirts, supportive doctors. Interesting. I didn't know doing what makes sense and is logical, had a name. Bizarre.
It is now roughly a year later and I am parenting the same way. I am passionate about this type of parenting, and I wish it was more mainstream. I wish people would realize that following your parenting instincts is normal and welcome. And that nobody should have guilt over loving thier baby, and that love does not spoil.
In the past year, I've learned a lot. And through that learning, I've formed opinions. I've posted articles, and statements, and links.
After a particularly heated recent post, 68 comments to be exact, someone said "Be an insensitive human if you want. At least you breastfeed."
This is not who I am, and this is not who I strive to be. Of all the comments, this hurt the most.
I do not think I am better than you because I breastfeed. I am not superior because I bedshare. I have never let my child cry-it-out, but that doesn't make me part of the parenting elite. I am not insensitive because I believe these things to be optimal.
I am lucky and grateful and priveleged to be a stay at home mom, who has never had to consider bottles for my absence. I've never had to think about sleep training to ensure restful solo sleep so I can attend to a roster of patients, a boss, or a classroom of children.
Would I parent differently if I were faced with these challenges? Perhaps. Is co-sleeping harder for the working mother? Maybe. Is co-sleeping easier for me? Yes. Is breastfeeding challenging for a mother with multiples, with a career, with no sleep? Certainly. Is it challenging for me? It was at first, and now it's a breeze.
I did a lot of thinking in the past few days, and I do realize that there are many factors that contribute to parent's choices. There are factors that I am not aware of, and perhaps even the parent isn't aware of deep psychological issues.
There are things in the world that I never knew until someone told me about them. And so too, I wish to teach people things as well. I'm sorry if my method of delivery isn't pluralistic and all lovey-happy-hippie, but the world isn't that way either.
I do not believe that "whatever a mother chooses for her child is the right thing". That just makes no sense. However, I won't tell you that you are wrong. I will just continue to provide articles and statements in a public forum. I have never and will never personally attack or judge. My job is Judah. And in parenting Judah, should I learn interesting things, I will share them.
I will continue to rail against formula companies. I will continue to boycott Nestle. I still maintain that breast isn't best, but normal, and that we're far away from where we should be in terms of natural parenting. I believe in human milk for human babies. I'm not out to get anyone. What you do is your business, what I do is mine, and the information I provide is optional.
Conclusion:
1. I am human. I make mistakes.
2. I do not think formula is evil.
3. I think there is a lot of information about nursing and breastmilk that is not shared with the mainstream general public.
4. Facebooks status' are not an attack on "you" personally, but the collective "you", the system.
5. Judah's entry into the world has changed my life and my opinions of the world.
6. If you're angry about my posts, that is your issue and not mine.
7. Life is about dialogue and learning. I am always open to both.
8. There is a fine line between doing what is best for yourself, and being selfish. I am not the one who draws that line.
9. I do not think I can change the world. But I might be able to make one person look at something a little bit differently. And if I do that, I've achieved my goal.
10. Unless you beat your kid, belittle them, or leave them crying in the corner for hours, I will always be your friend.
.
06 March, 2011
my friend jaci's co-sleeping advice
jaci's friend asked her about sleep. i love jaci. i love her answer. thought i would share. here are her words.
Co-sleeping means different things to different people. You can share a room, a bed, sleep together all night, not even have a crib, just let them sleep in bed when they wake up in morning....it goes on.
I had the mini co-sleeper. I pulled it right up next to me till 4 months. Then I started trying to put her in her crib for "naps" But she still slept in co-sleeper at night. The only time she would take a nap was on my boob, and I would try to lay her down in crib like people told me to do, but she would immediately wake up, so I did what IIIIII felt was best for my baby, and I layed down with her with my laptop on my bed, and just let her nurse and suck and sleep. That is the ONLY way she slept during the day till about 8/9 months. Around 6 months ish- I "wanted" to have her fall asleep awake because blah blah blah everything that every doctor, friend, book tells you so I did CIO. I will say that to this day I regret that. Looking back I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT knowing what I know now. Do I think moms that do it are horrible? no, absolutely not. I just wish I didn't do it. I didn't want to do it in my heart, and I should have listened to myself instead of others. But I digress...
That time of her life is a blur to me really, and had to check in her journal to see some stuff to write this, but all I know is at around 7 months is when she started taking a bottle so she would drink one bottle a day before bed and then we put her down to fall asleep in her crib. And then at around 12-1am she woke up and thats when I brought her in and she just nursed all night. Turning around and snacking whenever she wanted. At about 11 months is when she started sleeping from about 8pm-4/5am but I still brought her in and nursed and cuddled and slept a little longer when she woke up.
Although it's only been a VERY short 2 years that I have been a mom, ONE thing I know for sure (but still trying to act on it) is that YOU know your baby. YOU do whatever YOU feel is right for Liv. I would do ANYTHING to go back to those sleepless, nursing nights just to smell her, and cuddle her through the night, I know I'm crazy, right? lol But I still get sleepless nights but no delicious baby next to me. You WILL feel the same way!
Do I think that "spoiling" her made her into the bad sleeper that she is today? NOPE- no such thing as spoilng a baby with LOVE. I am also the kind of person that believes that it's never too late for anything. If ur BABY sleeps with u till 8 and then u want her out, she will be out. I can't stand when I hear people say "if u don't get her out by..... she will never leave" I'm a big fan of baby led anything. They are smart little people. They know what they want to eat, drink, they don't know games or deceit, they don't know hate, they don't know how to make u do things. At least I don't believe this.
U do whatever u feel is best for u, Joe, and Liv, and don't listen to anyone that gives u shit. If u want her out of ur bed but near you, my co-sleeper went up to 23 pounds, and I know they are more out there. If u want her out of ur room but don't want to CIO, u could nurse her to sleep, rock her to sleep, lay on the floor and stick ur arm in crib and pat her back till she falls asleep. And none of this lasts forever I PROMISE. Did I make any sense? it's not often that people actually WANT to hear my views, lol
Co-sleeping means different things to different people. You can share a room, a bed, sleep together all night, not even have a crib, just let them sleep in bed when they wake up in morning....it goes on.
I had the mini co-sleeper. I pulled it right up next to me till 4 months. Then I started trying to put her in her crib for "naps" But she still slept in co-sleeper at night. The only time she would take a nap was on my boob, and I would try to lay her down in crib like people told me to do, but she would immediately wake up, so I did what IIIIII felt was best for my baby, and I layed down with her with my laptop on my bed, and just let her nurse and suck and sleep. That is the ONLY way she slept during the day till about 8/9 months. Around 6 months ish- I "wanted" to have her fall asleep awake because blah blah blah everything that every doctor, friend, book tells you so I did CIO. I will say that to this day I regret that. Looking back I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT knowing what I know now. Do I think moms that do it are horrible? no, absolutely not. I just wish I didn't do it. I didn't want to do it in my heart, and I should have listened to myself instead of others. But I digress...
That time of her life is a blur to me really, and had to check in her journal to see some stuff to write this, but all I know is at around 7 months is when she started taking a bottle so she would drink one bottle a day before bed and then we put her down to fall asleep in her crib. And then at around 12-1am she woke up and thats when I brought her in and she just nursed all night. Turning around and snacking whenever she wanted. At about 11 months is when she started sleeping from about 8pm-4/5am but I still brought her in and nursed and cuddled and slept a little longer when she woke up.
Although it's only been a VERY short 2 years that I have been a mom, ONE thing I know for sure (but still trying to act on it) is that YOU know your baby. YOU do whatever YOU feel is right for Liv. I would do ANYTHING to go back to those sleepless, nursing nights just to smell her, and cuddle her through the night, I know I'm crazy, right? lol But I still get sleepless nights but no delicious baby next to me. You WILL feel the same way!
Do I think that "spoiling" her made her into the bad sleeper that she is today? NOPE- no such thing as spoilng a baby with LOVE. I am also the kind of person that believes that it's never too late for anything. If ur BABY sleeps with u till 8 and then u want her out, she will be out. I can't stand when I hear people say "if u don't get her out by..... she will never leave" I'm a big fan of baby led anything. They are smart little people. They know what they want to eat, drink, they don't know games or deceit, they don't know hate, they don't know how to make u do things. At least I don't believe this.
U do whatever u feel is best for u, Joe, and Liv, and don't listen to anyone that gives u shit. If u want her out of ur bed but near you, my co-sleeper went up to 23 pounds, and I know they are more out there. If u want her out of ur room but don't want to CIO, u could nurse her to sleep, rock her to sleep, lay on the floor and stick ur arm in crib and pat her back till she falls asleep. And none of this lasts forever I PROMISE. Did I make any sense? it's not often that people actually WANT to hear my views, lol
05 March, 2011
sometimes i suck
you have been sick this week. it started last friday. it is now saturday, so it was a full week. you had a fever off and on the whole weekend. and then sunday night you were really warm. and monday you slept all day. i mean all day long. you woke a few times for a few minutes, but mostly you slept on my lap. i was worried. it was so unlike you. you are cutting six teeth -- all four molars and your fangs. it must hurt like a bitch. you have another cold, which is probably because i suck at washing your hands. i am sorry for that. colds suck. you can't breathe. you have a hard time sleeping. you cough. it sucks. i gave you ibuprofin after that long day of sleeping and monday night your fever broke. i like to let a fever be. it is there for a reason and has a job to do. but i figured (as your uncle chris pointed out) that it had lots of time to work by then and it was ok to give it to you. you still didn't sleep well. you were waking up every half hour or so and screaming as if you were being tortured. you were pointing into the air and screaming "milkies" but refusing to nurse. but tuesday you seemed a little bit better but you were still pretty miserable. and still really sleepy. and tuesday night sucked. i hadn't slept more than 20-30 minute intervals in days. i was getting more and more tired and miserable and my patience was wearing thin. because even when you were sleeping, i wasn't. wednesday i was an idiot and took you to paws farm. i thought that you were feeling better. i thought it would be good for you to get out into the fresh air and to be around your friends. you also had a chiropractic adjustment from our friend jason. i hoped it would help speed your healing. but wednesday night was the worst night of all. you were up pretty much the whole night. it was one of our worst nights ever. well, really you were sleeping restlessly. screaming and pointing all over again. i was up most of the night. again. and this is the night that i really sucked. bad. i lost my patience. totally. i yelled at your dad while you were in my arms. i kicked things around the house. yelled at the dogs. cursed them. yes, all with you in my arms. i was angry. so so angry. i couldn't fix you. milkies weren't fixing it. i had no idea how to make you feel better. so i suck. i suck because i react that way in front of you. i suck for letting you see that kind of anger and emotion. i suck because i can't keep it together. i hope you know that i will never treat you like that. i hope you know that it is ok for you to scream and cry when you need to. but how can you know that? if you see me treat your dad and your dogs so badly, then you must imagine i might treat you that way sometime, too. if i get angry when you are screaming and crying, even if i don't do it every time and even if i am not angry with you, how can you know that? i suck. it's no excuse, but i wanted to be able to make you better and i couldn't. i just felt so sad for you. i wanted you to be you again and to feel right again. thursday morning you were worse yet. you were totally miserable. so i broke down and took you to the doc. you were still very sleepy. i wanted to see how your ears were looking. i wish i had one of those things to look into your ears myself so i could have avoided the trip, but whatever, it was fine. yes, your ears were red. i had been giving you hylands ear ache tablets and been putting garlic oil in your ears, just in case, so i was at least relieved to know that that was probably what was making you so miserable. so i didn't fill the script for the antibiotic, much to your grandmom's dismay, and i continued to give you the hylands and put the garlic in your ears. i want your body to know how to heal itself. i want your body to react to an antibiotic whan and if you ever really need one. thursday night was a little bit better and on friday you were almost back to being you. so you had another chiropractic adjustment. and you had lots of snuggles and i was more patient and compassionate. i gave you a long whispery talk in your ear about how i somtimes suck and how i will always try harder. and about how i will never treat you mean. i will never yell at you and make you feel small. i will always respect you. i will always let you know how valuable you are as a human being, not just as my child. last night was one of our best nights ever and today you seem to be almost 100% you again. i love you, buddy. i know that there will be many more nights when i will be awake hoping you feel better. and i hope that i can keep it together a little better each time so that someday i don't suck at all. but this is reality, and i guess we all suck a little bit sometimes.
02 February, 2011
two years
today marks the day that i found out we were going to have you, mason. it's been two years. it brings me back to all of that pain. the pain of losing cooper. the pain of month after month of negative pregnancy tests. month after month of calls from the fertility center saying that i was not pregnant. the shots. the meds. the stress. the tears. the hatred i felt for every pregnant woman on the planet. the anger i had toward every new mother. i will admit it. i wanted bad things to happen to people. it is hard to believe that your mom wished that for people. people i liked. even loved and cared for. i wanted bad things to happen so they would know the pain and the feeling of loss and disappointment just like i did. i hated the way that so many women took for granted getting pregnant easily and then having healthy full term babies -- after uneventful and easy pregnancies in which they complained about being pregnant. i wanted bad things to happen. this day reminds me always to be careful with my words. it reminds me of all of my sisters who have shared in the pain of childbearing losses of any kind...whether it be from abortion, miscarriage, infertility, preterm delivery, full term losses, infant losses or whatever other horrible losses are out there causing pain and sadness. and it reminds me, as cooper does in his absence, and as you do every minute of your life, how much of a miracle this whole thing really is. love to all of you who have loved and lost and continue to love and to try again. you are brave and powerful.
31 January, 2011
three years
dear cooper,
it's been three years. three years ago today my water broke while i was finishing teaching my 6th period class. i stood up to walk the kids out and i felt a gush. i ran to the restroom. my pants were soaked.
i had used a suppository to heal my yeast infection. it wasn't really a yeast infection at all. it's what dr. white at McGyno called it because she couldn't take the time to figure out what it really was. i didn't trust my body. so detached. i am so sorry, little baby. i followed doctors orders blindly. i will never do that again. this was your your first lesson for me.
i actually went home to change. and do laundry. and i came back to teach 8th period.
i had called the drs office but they put me on hold. typical. i hung up. they took so long. i figured i would call after school. this wasn't a big deal.
that's what i told your dad after school when i went to tell him about what had happened. he was about to get on a bus to go to a far away wrestling meet. he looked worried. i cried a little. but i said it was all ok.
i went home. called the doctor. they said to come right in.
that scared the shit out of me. they never made time.
grandmom drove me. i was nervous and terrified and tried to stay calm.
she was nervous and terrifed and tried to stay calm, too.
there was a lot of traffic.
they took me right in. i didn't have to wait.
i always waited. this scared me more.
the dr checked me. said she'd be right back. came back with an ultrasound machine.
your water broke. you have to go to the hospital right away. can someone drive you?
yes. my mom. how bad is this?
well. sometimes we can keep you pregnant a long time.
tears.
i ran out with my shoes half on. yelled at grandmom to hurry up we have to go to the hospital. i cursed at the receptionist as she asked for my payment. left my jacket there. called your dad from the car. he said he would get to the hospital. how i didn't know. but i knew he would.
my water had broken at about 1:30. by this time three years ago (about 8 pm) i had been checked internally at least three times. i regret that. they gave me morphine to keep the contractions away. i regret that.
i called the vice-principal to tell her i was in the hospital and hopefully i would be there a long time.
i figured you would stay inside until your lungs worked. then we'd be in the NICU. and someday you would come home healthy.
you had other plans.
i went to sleep that night feeling both scared and hopeful.
the next night i went to sleep distraught and traumatized.
because you weren't with me.
you were downstairs in the basement in a plastic box dressed in a doll's outfit. cold stiff and purple.
and i spent the next days and nights of my life crying so hard that it hurt. so hard that my eyes looked literally like i had been beaten in a dark alley somewhere. i would wake up wailing because you were gone. all night long.
the next morning. the morning of february 1, 2008 i began to have contractions. the day went by slowly. they moved me to l&d. they gave me an epidural. why not? you weren't likely to live. why should i feel that pain?
i am sorry. i regret that, too. i wish i had felt every second of it. every second of my experience with you. i was scared. and lacked knowledge.
i miss you.
the pediatrician came in to tell us about 22-weekers. you weren't likely to survive. did i want them to be aggressive? if you did survive you would likely have multiple handicaps. i had to give an answer. i had to decide right there on the spot. do i want them to try to save you or to let you go. no mother should have to decide this about her baby.
no. don't be agressive. let him go. i had to say this out loud. this i do not regret.
i knew you, cooper. it wasn't your spirit. you didn't want that fight. you were here for a reason. and it wasn't to live that kind of life.
you were born at 5:04 that day. one pound six ounces. 12 inches long. tiny hands and feet. tiny ears. a tiny head. tiny knees. a strong heartbeat. strong little lungs.
not strong enough.
you were here breathing in my arms for about ten minutes. i held you and cried for you and i told you over and over that i was sorry.
i wish so much that i had known better. that i had done better for you. or at least that you had been born here at home. with meredith guiding you out. and no drugs. i wish i could have bathed you. and that you didn't have to wear that tiny hospital wristband. and that you could have slept with me all night long instead of in the cold darkness all alone. you were gone. you are gone. and there is not a day that i don't think about you.
you were such a tiny person. you had so many lessons for me. i have regrets and wishes. but i know that you had these plans for me. i know that it should not and could not have happened any other way. and if given the chance, i don't think i would choose for it to have happened any other way. i know that i am a better mother because of you. a better person. and that mason, your baby brother, is going to have a better life because of you.
i thank you. we all thank you, cooper.
but there isn't much i wouldn't do just to hold you one more time. to kiss you without tears.
it's been three years. three years ago today my water broke while i was finishing teaching my 6th period class. i stood up to walk the kids out and i felt a gush. i ran to the restroom. my pants were soaked.
i had used a suppository to heal my yeast infection. it wasn't really a yeast infection at all. it's what dr. white at McGyno called it because she couldn't take the time to figure out what it really was. i didn't trust my body. so detached. i am so sorry, little baby. i followed doctors orders blindly. i will never do that again. this was your your first lesson for me.
i actually went home to change. and do laundry. and i came back to teach 8th period.
i had called the drs office but they put me on hold. typical. i hung up. they took so long. i figured i would call after school. this wasn't a big deal.
that's what i told your dad after school when i went to tell him about what had happened. he was about to get on a bus to go to a far away wrestling meet. he looked worried. i cried a little. but i said it was all ok.
i went home. called the doctor. they said to come right in.
that scared the shit out of me. they never made time.
grandmom drove me. i was nervous and terrified and tried to stay calm.
she was nervous and terrifed and tried to stay calm, too.
there was a lot of traffic.
they took me right in. i didn't have to wait.
i always waited. this scared me more.
the dr checked me. said she'd be right back. came back with an ultrasound machine.
your water broke. you have to go to the hospital right away. can someone drive you?
yes. my mom. how bad is this?
well. sometimes we can keep you pregnant a long time.
tears.
i ran out with my shoes half on. yelled at grandmom to hurry up we have to go to the hospital. i cursed at the receptionist as she asked for my payment. left my jacket there. called your dad from the car. he said he would get to the hospital. how i didn't know. but i knew he would.
my water had broken at about 1:30. by this time three years ago (about 8 pm) i had been checked internally at least three times. i regret that. they gave me morphine to keep the contractions away. i regret that.
i called the vice-principal to tell her i was in the hospital and hopefully i would be there a long time.
i figured you would stay inside until your lungs worked. then we'd be in the NICU. and someday you would come home healthy.
you had other plans.
i went to sleep that night feeling both scared and hopeful.
the next night i went to sleep distraught and traumatized.
because you weren't with me.
you were downstairs in the basement in a plastic box dressed in a doll's outfit. cold stiff and purple.
and i spent the next days and nights of my life crying so hard that it hurt. so hard that my eyes looked literally like i had been beaten in a dark alley somewhere. i would wake up wailing because you were gone. all night long.
the next morning. the morning of february 1, 2008 i began to have contractions. the day went by slowly. they moved me to l&d. they gave me an epidural. why not? you weren't likely to live. why should i feel that pain?
i am sorry. i regret that, too. i wish i had felt every second of it. every second of my experience with you. i was scared. and lacked knowledge.
i miss you.
the pediatrician came in to tell us about 22-weekers. you weren't likely to survive. did i want them to be aggressive? if you did survive you would likely have multiple handicaps. i had to give an answer. i had to decide right there on the spot. do i want them to try to save you or to let you go. no mother should have to decide this about her baby.
no. don't be agressive. let him go. i had to say this out loud. this i do not regret.
i knew you, cooper. it wasn't your spirit. you didn't want that fight. you were here for a reason. and it wasn't to live that kind of life.
you were born at 5:04 that day. one pound six ounces. 12 inches long. tiny hands and feet. tiny ears. a tiny head. tiny knees. a strong heartbeat. strong little lungs.
not strong enough.
you were here breathing in my arms for about ten minutes. i held you and cried for you and i told you over and over that i was sorry.
i wish so much that i had known better. that i had done better for you. or at least that you had been born here at home. with meredith guiding you out. and no drugs. i wish i could have bathed you. and that you didn't have to wear that tiny hospital wristband. and that you could have slept with me all night long instead of in the cold darkness all alone. you were gone. you are gone. and there is not a day that i don't think about you.
you were such a tiny person. you had so many lessons for me. i have regrets and wishes. but i know that you had these plans for me. i know that it should not and could not have happened any other way. and if given the chance, i don't think i would choose for it to have happened any other way. i know that i am a better mother because of you. a better person. and that mason, your baby brother, is going to have a better life because of you.
i thank you. we all thank you, cooper.
but there isn't much i wouldn't do just to hold you one more time. to kiss you without tears.
28 January, 2011
being your mom
as you fell asleep tonight holding your rubber duck and plastic boat, i thought about what an awesome responsibility it is to be your mom. and i wasn't thinking about all of the typical stuff like having to make sure you are fed and dressed, and catching your puke as you throw up. i was thinking about the really important stuff. about nurturing your soul.
i believe that you, as i believe about your brother, chose me to be your mom. you knew you had things to teach me. in a short 16 months with me plus ten in the belly, you have already taught me countless lessons. you and cooper are my buuddhas.
you are not what i imagined when i imagined having a baby. for some reason i imagined an easy-going baby who would snuggle up with me and just be happy to be held. you are not that baby. you are curious and full of energy. it seems you are never still. not even in your sleep. you only now are beginning to let me hold and snuggle you. you demand that i respond to your needs often before i have had the chance to hear what it is you are trying to say. you want everything that you want five seconds before you communicate it. you are an excellent communicator. you learn faster than i can even keep up with. it's almost as if i hold you back sometimes. even with your tiny legs i often find myself literally running to keep up with you. you have been this way since birth.
obviously then, i am not the mother i imagined. i am more patient than i thought. i care less about a clean house than i thought i would. i allow you do do things i never thought i would. i have plans for us that i never imagined i would have. i follow your lead. when you don't want to put pants on, for whatever reason, i don't make you put pants on. when you want to dump the cheerios all over the floor, i let you. and then i laugh as you stomp them into the rug. i wear wrestling head gear around the house because you ask me to.
i imagine that as you get older i will be even more "lenient" with my "discipline" techniques. i hope that i will be able to sit back and watch you bloom into the miraculous human being that you already are. you are already everything that you will be. i just have to let it happen.
i was reading in a book that raising children is much like planting flowers. the flower is already there. it just has to grow and bloom. you have to care for it, but you have no power to change it. i am so thankful that i am the one who gets to care for you and to watch you bloom.
i only hope that i am able to keep my own story, my own tape recordings about what is right and normal, out of your way. i know that you will help me stay out of your way as you teach me your lessons, and as i tend to your very big - soul.
i believe that you, as i believe about your brother, chose me to be your mom. you knew you had things to teach me. in a short 16 months with me plus ten in the belly, you have already taught me countless lessons. you and cooper are my buuddhas.
you are not what i imagined when i imagined having a baby. for some reason i imagined an easy-going baby who would snuggle up with me and just be happy to be held. you are not that baby. you are curious and full of energy. it seems you are never still. not even in your sleep. you only now are beginning to let me hold and snuggle you. you demand that i respond to your needs often before i have had the chance to hear what it is you are trying to say. you want everything that you want five seconds before you communicate it. you are an excellent communicator. you learn faster than i can even keep up with. it's almost as if i hold you back sometimes. even with your tiny legs i often find myself literally running to keep up with you. you have been this way since birth.
obviously then, i am not the mother i imagined. i am more patient than i thought. i care less about a clean house than i thought i would. i allow you do do things i never thought i would. i have plans for us that i never imagined i would have. i follow your lead. when you don't want to put pants on, for whatever reason, i don't make you put pants on. when you want to dump the cheerios all over the floor, i let you. and then i laugh as you stomp them into the rug. i wear wrestling head gear around the house because you ask me to.
i imagine that as you get older i will be even more "lenient" with my "discipline" techniques. i hope that i will be able to sit back and watch you bloom into the miraculous human being that you already are. you are already everything that you will be. i just have to let it happen.
i was reading in a book that raising children is much like planting flowers. the flower is already there. it just has to grow and bloom. you have to care for it, but you have no power to change it. i am so thankful that i am the one who gets to care for you and to watch you bloom.
i only hope that i am able to keep my own story, my own tape recordings about what is right and normal, out of your way. i know that you will help me stay out of your way as you teach me your lessons, and as i tend to your very big - soul.
21 January, 2011
crying it out
i just finished getting you to sleep. it took a little longer than usual. but you are sleeping soundly for now and i am watching your sweetness on the monitor. there has been a heated debate on one of our friends facebook pages about the "cry-it-out" method of getting babies to learn to sleep on their own. sleep through the night, that is.
i have been hesitant to blog about crying it out. i started a post months ago but never went through with it. it's a touchy subject. we have many friends who have used the techniques of ferber or gary ezzo and other like-minded (mostly) men who want to make millions helping moms get some rest.
and while i love these friends, i do not agree with some (or, for some of them, any) of their parenting techniques. i didn't want to enter the debate with them, because let's face it, i am sure these same friends have lots of feelings of their own about the way i parent you. and just because we disagree, that does not make them bad parents. everyone does the best they can with the knowledge they have.
but inspired today by our good friend, who was brave enough, and antagonistic enough, and humorous enough, to post as her status on facebook that she is sickened by the cry it out technique, i figured why not say what i think. i am sure many of you reading this will become infuriated. many of you will agree wholeheartedly. my intent is not to create strife, but to simply share my feelings and to maybe sway someone who has not yet been swayed by ferber, or worse, ezzo to a more compassionate way of getting babies to sleep.
i have been raising you in a way that some people say is weak or wishy-washy. too lenient. that i let you rule the roost. that i have created a monster who wants to be held all of the time. these are all things i have actually been told, with smiles, of course, as if these people were joking.
my parenting style is based on trying to see the world from a child's eye. from your eyes. you, who want nothing more than to be near me. to feel my breath. my heartbeat. it's all you had known for months in the womb. i was all that you had to trust in this new and probably, at times, frightening, world. and yes, i hold you a lot. i love to hold you. i can't imagine ever regretting that. and i can't imagine ever regretting all of those minutes and hours i have spent lying next to you as you peacefully fall off to sleep.
in the beginning i stressed a lot because you cried all the time. all. the. time. if you weren't crying it was because you were nursing. or sleeping. but you didn't sleep much during the day so you cried a lot. and nursed a lot. i read a lot. this was early on before i trusted myself as a mother. i read books by mostly men about how to get you to sleep like a normal baby. i worried that you wouldn't thrive because you weren't sleeping enough. i couldn't make plans to do anything because you cried all the time. i couldn't go anywhere.
all of my other friends seemed to have it so much easier. their babies slept. they were on schedules. they had cried-it-out.
i tried it once. well actually three times. three naps started with you screaming. you never cried for more than six minutes. i couldn't take it any longer than that. i did all i could not to pick you up after six seconds. i was always right there patting your bum or your belly and shhh-ing you. and telling you i loved you. i will never NEVER forget the look on your face as you looked up at me with tears and red cheeks. your eyes bulging out of your head. reaching your arms out for me to pick you up. it makes me sick and sad to remember it. you were about seven months old. you had only napped on my lap, in the carrier or on my breast. people said i was ruining you. that it was good for him. that it was good for me is really all they meant.
i didn't trust myself. so i did this to you. and i will never forget it. and i will never forgive myself. i look forward to the day when i can tell you how sorry i am. and you can understand.
that last time i did it i scooped you up and apologized. i told you that i would never do that to you again. i held you tight and you fell right to sleep. and i have never done it again. and i never will. if that means that i nurse you to sleep and back to sleep throughout the night until you are three and a half years old, that's what i will do. if it means that when you are nine or twelve i still have to pat your back so you will fall asleep, then i will.
i don't worry that you will never learn to sleep on your own. i don't worry anymore that you are in danger of anything because you don't sleep through the night. after all, i haven't slept through the night in years and years. who has? i do fear that the stress that i caused you as you reached for me screaming did cause you harm. i will never know for sure.
what i am sure of is that once i started trusting myself and doing what felt good and right, you were happier.
i have been hesitant to blog about crying it out. i started a post months ago but never went through with it. it's a touchy subject. we have many friends who have used the techniques of ferber or gary ezzo and other like-minded (mostly) men who want to make millions helping moms get some rest.
and while i love these friends, i do not agree with some (or, for some of them, any) of their parenting techniques. i didn't want to enter the debate with them, because let's face it, i am sure these same friends have lots of feelings of their own about the way i parent you. and just because we disagree, that does not make them bad parents. everyone does the best they can with the knowledge they have.
but inspired today by our good friend, who was brave enough, and antagonistic enough, and humorous enough, to post as her status on facebook that she is sickened by the cry it out technique, i figured why not say what i think. i am sure many of you reading this will become infuriated. many of you will agree wholeheartedly. my intent is not to create strife, but to simply share my feelings and to maybe sway someone who has not yet been swayed by ferber, or worse, ezzo to a more compassionate way of getting babies to sleep.
i have been raising you in a way that some people say is weak or wishy-washy. too lenient. that i let you rule the roost. that i have created a monster who wants to be held all of the time. these are all things i have actually been told, with smiles, of course, as if these people were joking.
my parenting style is based on trying to see the world from a child's eye. from your eyes. you, who want nothing more than to be near me. to feel my breath. my heartbeat. it's all you had known for months in the womb. i was all that you had to trust in this new and probably, at times, frightening, world. and yes, i hold you a lot. i love to hold you. i can't imagine ever regretting that. and i can't imagine ever regretting all of those minutes and hours i have spent lying next to you as you peacefully fall off to sleep.
in the beginning i stressed a lot because you cried all the time. all. the. time. if you weren't crying it was because you were nursing. or sleeping. but you didn't sleep much during the day so you cried a lot. and nursed a lot. i read a lot. this was early on before i trusted myself as a mother. i read books by mostly men about how to get you to sleep like a normal baby. i worried that you wouldn't thrive because you weren't sleeping enough. i couldn't make plans to do anything because you cried all the time. i couldn't go anywhere.
all of my other friends seemed to have it so much easier. their babies slept. they were on schedules. they had cried-it-out.
i tried it once. well actually three times. three naps started with you screaming. you never cried for more than six minutes. i couldn't take it any longer than that. i did all i could not to pick you up after six seconds. i was always right there patting your bum or your belly and shhh-ing you. and telling you i loved you. i will never NEVER forget the look on your face as you looked up at me with tears and red cheeks. your eyes bulging out of your head. reaching your arms out for me to pick you up. it makes me sick and sad to remember it. you were about seven months old. you had only napped on my lap, in the carrier or on my breast. people said i was ruining you. that it was good for him. that it was good for me is really all they meant.
i didn't trust myself. so i did this to you. and i will never forget it. and i will never forgive myself. i look forward to the day when i can tell you how sorry i am. and you can understand.
that last time i did it i scooped you up and apologized. i told you that i would never do that to you again. i held you tight and you fell right to sleep. and i have never done it again. and i never will. if that means that i nurse you to sleep and back to sleep throughout the night until you are three and a half years old, that's what i will do. if it means that when you are nine or twelve i still have to pat your back so you will fall asleep, then i will.
i don't worry that you will never learn to sleep on your own. i don't worry anymore that you are in danger of anything because you don't sleep through the night. after all, i haven't slept through the night in years and years. who has? i do fear that the stress that i caused you as you reached for me screaming did cause you harm. i will never know for sure.
what i am sure of is that once i started trusting myself and doing what felt good and right, you were happier.
12 January, 2011
the video monitor and other things
so my video monitor just died. the video monitor i never thought i would need. or want. or use. the video monitor that we got from our awesome friend, and my mommy guru, lisa. i love the damn thing. though the sound sucks. it makes static noise a lot. and it's a tv monitor so i can't bring it with me anywhere. and i am pretty obsessive, so if i need to go into another room for anything, i run.
our house is small. i mean really small. i can hear you from wherever i am. but i like to get to you before i hear you. before you have to cry. so i see you stir on the monitor and i run.
right now i am in your room while you sleep in our bed. i am right next door so i can get there quick when i hear you cry for me.
i just got done looking online for a new monitor. i checked with aunt kaye-dee to see if they have it in her store. they do. so we will be getting a new one tomorrow. a digital hand-held color monitor. (luckily we still have enough left from grandmom and grandpop's generous monetary christmas gift.) funny how i am desperate for something i never thought i would need...
..which is the opposite of many of the other things i purchased or asked for but later realized i would never use. many of these things i had my reservations about, many were purchased out of desperation when all you did was cry, many were on a whim because you seemed to like something for a moment in the store.
so some advice for my future mom friends who think you may be a bit like me when you are a mom, take my advice and buy the video monitor. make it a color, digital, handheld monitor. splurge for the best. and forego the crib, the co-sleeper, the nursery bedding, the swing, the exersaucer (go for the jumeroo instead, not both!), and the stroller. you don't need a shopping cart cover because baby needs germs. i also never got the infant car seat, and therefore no need for a travel system, and if you aren't going back to work early on don't get the breast pump or any bottles at all, no food processor or anything because baby-led weaning makes sense, no baby bath tub because babies like bathing with their mommy or daddy best of all.
do get an ergo baby carrier. a moby wrap and/or a baby k'tan. a maya wrap and have some good baby-wearing friends show you how to use them. get a king sized firm mattress and put it on your floor. and make sure you read the womanly art of breastfeeding from cover to cover in your first days while baby naps. and yes, it is possible to nap when baby naps. the house will survive the dog hair. the sink will survive the dishes. spend your time bonding with a naked baby. be attached. so baby can attach.
and then sometime when you are ready to sneak away from baby while he or she sleeps in your bed, you will have that baby monitor to carry with you when you have to pee.
our house is small. i mean really small. i can hear you from wherever i am. but i like to get to you before i hear you. before you have to cry. so i see you stir on the monitor and i run.
right now i am in your room while you sleep in our bed. i am right next door so i can get there quick when i hear you cry for me.
i just got done looking online for a new monitor. i checked with aunt kaye-dee to see if they have it in her store. they do. so we will be getting a new one tomorrow. a digital hand-held color monitor. (luckily we still have enough left from grandmom and grandpop's generous monetary christmas gift.) funny how i am desperate for something i never thought i would need...
..which is the opposite of many of the other things i purchased or asked for but later realized i would never use. many of these things i had my reservations about, many were purchased out of desperation when all you did was cry, many were on a whim because you seemed to like something for a moment in the store.
so some advice for my future mom friends who think you may be a bit like me when you are a mom, take my advice and buy the video monitor. make it a color, digital, handheld monitor. splurge for the best. and forego the crib, the co-sleeper, the nursery bedding, the swing, the exersaucer (go for the jumeroo instead, not both!), and the stroller. you don't need a shopping cart cover because baby needs germs. i also never got the infant car seat, and therefore no need for a travel system, and if you aren't going back to work early on don't get the breast pump or any bottles at all, no food processor or anything because baby-led weaning makes sense, no baby bath tub because babies like bathing with their mommy or daddy best of all.
do get an ergo baby carrier. a moby wrap and/or a baby k'tan. a maya wrap and have some good baby-wearing friends show you how to use them. get a king sized firm mattress and put it on your floor. and make sure you read the womanly art of breastfeeding from cover to cover in your first days while baby naps. and yes, it is possible to nap when baby naps. the house will survive the dog hair. the sink will survive the dishes. spend your time bonding with a naked baby. be attached. so baby can attach.
and then sometime when you are ready to sneak away from baby while he or she sleeps in your bed, you will have that baby monitor to carry with you when you have to pee.
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